Sunday, February 28, 2010

#73 Prison time 33 to 50 months

Doing 33 to 50 months prison time.

This blog is based on a few things, one, somebody has been asking this and I wanted to take a shot at it, to help this person out. Second, after the blog I wrote last night about some idiot criticizing my post, I got 2 very nice comments from people reminding me that for every group of people I try to help, there will ALWAYS be a jerk that has nothing better to do than spit on it…even those who call themselves “prison support” or “Christians”.

They both encouraged me to keep doing exactly what I am doing, because for what it is worth, it does help somebody. So with that encouragement, I can continue to write in full confidence.

Before I continue, check out the short story I wrote awhile back, titled “Where does hope lie for the condemned”…or was it “Where does hope lie for ex felons?” I write so much I often forget my titles.

Now, today’s blog is based on an example that many people are confused about… doing prison time. Years ago, when the judge said “10 years” that is how much you got. But then there was added the idea that an inmate can actually earn time and get out a little sooner by “good behavior”. Nowdays, in many prisons, there is a structured sentence, involving a minimum and maximum time frame.

This is very confusing to a lot of people, so I want to use the example to help you understand how this works. Now, before I continue, let me emphasize that I am going off my experiences in NC prisons, so it could differ in your loved one’s case.

And for the sake of argument, let’s agree that I am given my sentence on January 1st, 2010. I know that this isn’t possible because it is a holiday, but I want to use the first day of the year to help chart out the example. It makes it easier if I do it that way.

Ok, now, let’s suppose that I got a sentence of 33 to 50 months on January 1st. How much time will I really do?

First off, understand that we are talking about 2 ½ years to 4 years and some change. But we have to look at this in months, rather than years. The moment the judge gives me the sentence, my incarceration begins. Now, there are cases of jail credit, which I will add on here, just to make the example, that will come later.

The sentence of 33 to 50 months means that the MINIMUM I can be in prison is 33 months, and the MAXIMUM I can be in prison is 50 months. On the charge I got, I cannot be held in that prison longer than 50 months, and I cannot come out any sooner than 33 months. That is my range of incarceration but there are exceptions.

The moment you get your sentence, you are there for the maximum time. That means when you go to prison, the release date is based on you being there the maximum period of time…in this case, 50 months. So, if I got my sentence on January 1st, then I would be looking at a release date of about March 1st, 2014 (give or take a day or two).

Some people think that an inmate can get out in 33 months, that is partly true. But this is NOT automatic! Lots of people see the low end, and immediately think that their loved one can get out in 33 months, and don’t have to be there for the entire 50 months. This is not totally true. The inmate has to EARN that time, on what we call “good behavior”, but is actually based on “gain time” and “merit time”.

See, inmates don’t get time shaved off the maximum just by being nice…they have to do constructive things to show that they are trying to improve their character, things that are recognized by the prison system, and can thus get time credited against their maximum release date. The difference between the 33 months minimum and 50 months maximum is 17 months…that is the amount of time the inmate, me in this example, can earn, or shave off.

So, how is this done?

Keeping in mind that I am using myself as an example, if I started my prison sentence on January 1st 2010, then the 33 to 50 months means at the very worst, I should get out by March 1st, 2014. But the key now is to find ways to earn time off, and in the prison system there are numerous ways to do that.

Most prison jobs give what is called “gain time” for the time worked. That means if you work a prison job for a month, you will be given days off your sentence. The amount of days differs from one job to the next…I’ll explain in a minute.

Another way to get time off is by going to certain classes. These include getting a GED, going to AA, or DART, or other programs. Even going to some HRD (Human Resource Development) classes can earn you gain time or even merit time.

“What’s the difference?”

Both come off your maximum sentence, but merit time is more valuable, in that once awarded, it cannot be taken away. See, even if you earn gain time, it is possible you can lose some of it by inactivity in prison, or breaking the rules. Most jobs and programs give gain time, some give merit, but those are rare.

Are you following me so far?

So, lets continue with my example. I am starting my sentence, and have a 33 to 50 month period. What I need is something to cut down on that maximum, so I can get out sooner than March 1st, 2014.

Let’s say I don’t have a GED (although I have a college degree). But for sake of argument, let’s say I didn’t graduate from high school. Most prisons have a GED program, and upon completion, inmates earn 30 days merit time against their max date. So I sign up for the program, after being idle in prison for a month. So Feb. 1st I start working on my GED, and lets say in 8 months I finally finish and get my GED.

When I successfully complete that GED, I get 30 days merit time. So, if you are tracking, by October 1st, 2010, I get my GED, and 30 days knocked off my maximum date. So now, instead of me getting out March 1st, 2014, I can get out February 1st, 2014.

Now, let’s suppose after another month of inactivity, I get a job as a dorm janitor. This is a prison job, and gives gain time per month worked. Some prison jobs give more days than others, usually anywhere from 3-6 days per month worked. Lets say in my case, I get 5 days per month worked. So, November 1st, 2010, I get a dorm janitor job, earning 5 days per month.

Let’s say I work that job for a full year. That means I get 5 days PER month worked, or 5 X 12, which is 60 days. By doing that, I knock off 2 months off my sentence, not the original max, because remember, I earned 30 days with my GED. The new maximum release date was Feb 1st 2014. But now, after working a year, I knock two more months off, taking it down to December 1st, 2013.

So after I work a full year as a dorm janitor, by November 1st, 2011, my new release date is December 1st, 2013.

The target date that I would like to get is that minimum, which is 33 months. If I started my sentence on January 1st, 2010, then 33 months takes me to about October 1st, 2012. That is the earliest I can get out of prison, if I do things that show that I am bettering myself, and earning gain time or merit time.

Lets say that after a year of working as a dorm janitor, I get a better job working in the kitchen. Instead of 5 days a month, I now get 6 per month. I switch to that job, and work there 6 months.

That means from November 1st to May 1st, 2012, I am working in the kitchen and earned 6 days per month, or 36 days total. This now brings my release date down one more month from the max. Remember, my new release date is December 1st, 2013, but now, with 36 days coming off that, it is now down to about late October, 2013.

So by May 1st, 2012, my new release date is about October 25th, 2013. (give or take a few days)

Now you notice something here. The very minimum I could be in prison, according to the sentence, was 33 months, which puts me about October of 2012. But now, in this example, I am already in May of 2012, and my release date is October of 2013. At this point, there is no way I can get out by the minimum date, because I have not earned the gain time fast enough. Even if I work that kitchen job another 6 months, at 6 days a month, by the time I finish, it will be November 1st of 2012, and with another month knocked off the max, my new release date would be about September 19th or so, 2013.

So some of you would say, well, if he is already at his minimum, can’t they let him out? It does not work that way. He still has to earn that minimum release date, and with my example, I have not earned enough to get out early. Now, this might be where parole and probation come in, but I won’t include that here. But in my example, I am technically in my minimum release date range, but I have not earned enough to get out.

So as of November 1st, 2012, my new release date would be about September 19th, 2013. A difference of about a year between where I stand now, and when I am formally released. If I work in that kitchen another 6 months, and earn another 36 days, then by May 1st, 2013, my new release date would be about August 12th 2013...only 3 months away.

Now, it IS possible to earn enough gain time to have gotten out by the minimum date, but some of you may ask, what if you earn more? Can you get out sooner. Easy answer…no. The MINIMUM cannot change, even if you earn more gain time and merit time. In my example, the difference in my minimum and max was 17 months. Even if I earned 20 months, the minimum would still be the same. I cannot exceed that date of the minimum release date.

Now, I spoke about jail credit earlier…what if I was in jail 6 months before my sentence? In many cases, the judge will award the inmate jail credit, because a person waiting for his sentence should be (in most cases) given those days since at that time he was not guilty of his charge…only detained. Many people do get jail credit if they were in jail for a lengthy period of time before their sentence. If the judge awards that, that time comes off the MINIMUM sentence…I say again the MINIMUM, not max.

If that was the situation in my example, and if the judge gave me 6 months jail credit, then my real sentence would not be 33 to 50 months, it would be 27 to 44 months… everything shifts 6 months because technically I was serving time BEFORE I was sentenced. So I start off my sentence with less time to do, because I was already doing it long before I was sent there.

I hope this helps you, I could have run up several other examples to help you understand, I mean, I could have gone 10 pages with this easy. I hope it helps you. Well, gotta go, email me when you can, and ask me about subjects you want me to blog about. Until then….

Saturday, February 27, 2010

#72 Stupid prison thoughts

Stupid prison thoughts

It is about 11:30pm as I watch Kentucky and Kansas lose, and Syracuse win big, this college season is getting really interesting…but I digress.

Tonight I was checking out some blogs and post I wrote on other sites in the past, some over 2 years old, and I ran across one that caught my eye, and one I am going to have to bear fangs over.

Those of you who are new to my blogs may not understand what “bearing fangs” means. That means if I am pissed off about a subject, I will cut loose, and because this is MY blog, I can say what I want. I don’t kiss butt on anybody’s site, I am not afraid to say what I feel needs to be said on some situations. This is what people at Prison Talk never liked about me, and other sites as well. But tonight I am bearing fangs, so watch out.

Tonight I am talking about some idiot on a site on prison place, a site that has posted a lot of my blogs and posts. I wrote a blog about condemnation for those who have served their time, and it, as most of my blogs are, was lengthy. I read some of the comments after it, and one dated about a year or so ago made a comment about how this person (the writer of the comment) was trying to come up with funding to help ex felons get jobs…ok, that sounds nice, need more people like that. The person appeared to really like my post.

But this this moron says that they won’t read any more of my blogs because I didn’t reveal WHY I went to prison…in fact, the person called me a coward for not identifying why I went to prison.

I read the comment and I could just feel wolf fangs growing out of my mouth. I made a comment on the post, and posted it, although I am not sure if that same person is still a member of prison place…it was over a year ago. If they are, then I DARE that person to open their mouth and say something…because I am about to retaliate as to how STUPID that remark was.

First off, when I blog, I share what I want to share, not what some nosy idiot EXPECTS me to share. If a person takes the time to share what he can to help, there ought not be some self-righteous ingrate that feels that I OWE more than I am sharing. This is a major problem with ex felons and their acceptance back into society. People like that idiot are actually looking for a sin in a person that is confessing.

What this person’s brainless argument is simply is, “so what did you do time for?” But tell me this folks…what does it matter? Too many times people who are curious are looking for ways to damn other people, even further than necessary.

I gave one example before while I was on Prison Talk, how I was answering a lot of questions from members who saw that I wanted to help. I get a private message from one lady who seemed nice, and asked me how long I was in prison. I didn’t think much of it, so I told her. Seemed like it would be harmless. I mean to me, it does not matter if you did 2 years or 20 years, if you did time, you know what prison is like.

But days later on one of my posts, this same lady jumps on my post and criticizes me because “her man” did more time than me, so therefore she knows more about prison than I do. It caused a stink and ended up being yanked off the site. I thought by sharing personal info like that could not hurt, I mean, after all, I am here to help. But the very info I shared was used against me by some idiot who had nothing better to do than look for a reason to argue.

This is similar to what the person on Prison Place is doing. By their belief, I am a coward because I am not telling her ( I say “her” because 99% of all people on prison support sites are women) what she wants to know. Yet I cannot see one benefit under God why this helps her in any way, shape or form…in fact, it will only be used to condemn me. If this idiot was so head-strong in wanting to know WHY I did time, she is also foolish enough to judge me for whatever I did time for.

And to many people, this seems harmless, but I say to you, it isn’t. I mean, what charge could I give you that would be acceptable for you to say, “hey, that’s not so bad”? Even if I shared such info, the next question a person would ask is the details of the charge, if they have not condemned me already.

Consider, what if I told you I did time under DUI? Then you would judge me as a drunk. What if I told you I did time as a drug dealer? Then you would judge me as a senseless thug. What if I told you I did time under a white collar crime? Then you would label me a con artist. What if I told you I did time for indecent liberties? Then you would label me a child molester? What if I told you I did time for manslaughter? Then you would call me a murderer.

None of those instances would help me at all, and only give you ammunition to condemn me, when that is the LAST thing you should be doing. The mere fact that this lady called me a coward shows that she was clearly out to condemn me anyway. Sometimes folks, you can be to nose for your own damn good.

And regardless of what people say, society WILL actively condemn you, even if you are doing good deeds. I can give you an example based on my life. A year or two ago, I got an email from a local newspaper at the last camp I did time, in Yanceyville, North Carolina. Somehow, an editor of the local paper ran across one of my blogs online, and contacted me to do a story of ex felons trying to make good in society after their release.

Well, that sounds great. I mean, if it helps, why not?

So I email the editor back, letting them know I would be glad to help if I can, and asked what they needed to know from me.

I get an email back from them, asking me to explain what I am doing to help those with loved ones in prison, and to validate the story, they needed a picture of me, my full name, the prison I was last in, the nature of my crime, and the place of my employment….

Whoa….that is too much personal info!

I emailed them back asking why they needed so much info, and they said they needed it to make the story believable…that without it there would be no credibility. But to me, it is giving them complete credibility at the expense of me being persecuted.

Even if the newspaper did the story of me in good faith, with no true intent of harming me, the mere fact that my personal info…a former inmate, now in society, would no doubt stir up some of the self-righteous morons that think that “once a con, always a con”. And folks, sadly it ONLY TAKES ONE.

If I was working at Wal-Mart, and agreed to do that story, in good faith, then once that story hits, then my personal information is out for anyone to scrutinize…and persecute. People like that idiot on the site don’t understand how damning that is, when ex felons are just trying to get their lives back together. It does not matter what they did to go to prison, if they did their time, and trying to make amends and get their lives back, that ought to be enough.

But if I was working at Wal-Mart, for example, and some self-righteous snob read it, they might get upset that “criminals” are getting jobs that “good citizens” deserve. If that person, or people wrote to Wal-Mart, enclosing the article, with my info, what do you think Wal-Mart will do?

They’ll fire me for no other reason but public image.

You think I am kidding…but it has happened to me before.

Even if the attempt by the newspaper was in good faith, the second it is printed, that same info can be viewed by others as offensive, and will seek to persecute this ex felon simply because they feel that it is there God-given right to do so. And if I lost my job because of it, the BEST that newspaper could say was, “I’m sorry”.

Do you understand how stupid all this is?

Do you understand how damning this is?

Apparently that lady on the site doesn’t. So to her, I am a coward for not “laying on the cross” for her amusement. I say this in strong words, because what this lady wants me to do, and ever ex felon, is to continually nail themselves to a cross so that society can persecute them. Now, if this sounds too strong for you, then you have not fully understood the depth of condemnation, and how silly it is for some people to think that they have a right to expect me to help YOU condemn me again.

Folks, what I did time for is not important, the fact that I DID time is, because it gives me insight on telling you what I have gone through. I don’t ask you to tell me the nature of your loved’s ones crimes when you email me, because it has no impact on how I respond. So many times we are so damned convictive that we just have to get all in people’s personal business, not just out of curiosity, but with an inner motive to condemn. I wrote a blog awhile back called, “Confess your sins, so we may hang you”. Its kinda like those Salem Witch Trials. If a person suspected you of being a witch, they would test you by several ways. One was to take the accused into deep water, and tie a huge rock to their neck, and then toss it in the water. The test was simple:

If you floated, then you were obviously a witch, and were burned.

But, if you sank, you were innocent…but dead.

The irony was that these people doing these foolish things really felt they were doing it “in the name of God”…and they could not be more wrong.

Not much has changed today, has it? Same accusations, just a different time. Awhile back, one of my readers shared an article with me about a guy who did time in prison, and after he got out, he had a decent job working with the city. But when some people found out that he was an ex felon, they complained about it, saying that there were more “worthy” people that should have that job, rather than that ex felon.

See…little has changed.

I am not afraid to tell you the nature of my charge, but with it goes a very somber story, something I personally don’t think the nosy reader has a right to know. The fact that even the judge saw there was some glaring holes in the case against me, and how it reflected in my sentence, implies much more…but that is not your business to know…not yet.

And if a person is offended with that…so what? I didn’t come here to bear my complete soul so some self-righteous idiot can stick more daggers in my heart. Those kinda people don’t give a flip about me anyway, nor anybody else. I wonder how sincere this lady truly would be in her so-called efforts to help ex felons, if she is so distraught with me not telling her what she wants to know about me? Does she REALLY care, or is she just out to get government funding for a bogus charity.

One of the strongest forms of love is to do so REGARDLESS of the past of a person. If you are so concerned about the details of a person’s past, you will never have room in your heart for that person. You will always keep them at arm’s length, and never truly help them from your heart. I say again, what does that misguided lady think to gain by knowing every detail of my incarceration? And apparently, since she decided not to read my blogs anymore, she WON’T know anymore about me.

To anybody who has ever emailed me before…have I ever gotten too personal with you, asking the details of your loved one’s sentence and charge? If you have a son that is doing time for indecent liberties…did I ever ask you about that? Now, some people have emailed me and given me some details of their loved ones, but I continually stress to them that this is not necessary for me to try to help. The problem about having too much info is that we as humans are too stupid to keep them in check. Too much info is often the temptation to condemn.

I don’t care about Tiger Woods’ personal problems, but don’t get me wrong. I hope he comes back to true form soon, better than ever, and I truly hope he can save his marriage. But trust me when I say this, I do not care about the tabloid crap that the media keeps throwing out there. All this causes humanity to cast judgment on a man that, up until that point, had done TREMENDOUS help for charities and people.

But now, in just a couple of months, people look at him as a lowlife…completely unfair to him…I asked this on another blog, but I will ask it here… how many people here are perfect?

Raise your hands….

Anybody?

Anybody out there perfect, with no flaws in their life, nor any sin?

None…I thought so.

So stop condemning others! We all live in glass houses.

For ex felons, it is much easier to condemn because most info is public intel, and I believe a strong reason why it is so hard for an ex felon to secure a good job. Oh he can get one, but all it takes is one person who just don’t like ex felons at all, and that person can lose his job with no fault of his own…I say again, I know this because I have been a victim of it. In fact, more than once.

So I blog about what I can, and I bear enough of my soul so that you can get an idea of what I have gone through, and what I GO through. I mean, even this blog is an example of what life is after prison, and sometimes it shows how people who are in prison support circles, and even those who call themselves “Christians” are the worst enemies of those trying to get their lives back.

About a year or so ago, I was blogging on a similar issue and got an email from a grandmother who knew what I was going through, because her grandson was having a hell of a time trying to adjust. She told me how he tried to get a job, but when people found out that he was an ex felon, they let him go, and it was difficult for him to get a decent job. It’s a cruel reminder that society in general does not have the heart to forgive…and we call ourselves “one nation under God…”

Yet this grandmother did something that touched me. She asked me to not give up, and to please keep blogging about my life, because she followed it a lot. She sent me a card a week later, with $5, and a special note, “just to encourage you for today”. The fact that she took the time to care, send a card, and money touched me almost to tears. How could I not keep writing if there are people like that out there?

Those are the people I try to help, not the ones who think I OWE them something…because I don’t. But if you have emailed me before, you know I will do my very best to help if I can. I don’t do it for a reward, although I really do appreciate the support I get from time to time. I do it because my heart is set on trying to help those with loved ones in prison. For that reason, I blog as much as I do.

So for that person who called me a coward…how many cowards have written thousands of pages to help others? I can imagine that person wrote just a handful, and stopped after that. Anybody can write for a few days, or a couple of months. I have been writing posts and blogs off and on since about 2002...about eight years. Don’t you DARE call me a coward until you write as much as I have.

Anyways, I have said enough for now, even with a throbbing headache, I had to write this out. I hope you guys understand my feelings. Anyway, until next time…

Friday, February 26, 2010

#71 Prison rules: medication (retro)

Prison Writeups: Medication

“It is against prison rules to sell, accumulate, give, misuse or hide medication”

This is one of the rules out of the NCDOC rulebook, and I wanted to take a moment to talk to you about this. This blog today is about prison medication, and how your loved one has to acknowledge the rules pertaining to it.

Now, it seems like a no-brainer right? The obvious thing here is that you don’t want your son or daughter, or boyfriend or whomever to get in trouble, so this rule seems self-explanatory. But let’s go through this with a finer comb and see.

According to the rule, it is wrongful to do five things with medication that is issued from the infirmary. But from experience, I have seen many inmates do one, some or all of those things…even I have done it myself.

“But why would you do that, you are just asking for trouble!”

Maybe, but the situation can sometimes force a person do bend, or even break the rules, if it helps them get through the day. We’re gonna need to talk about that for awhile for you to understand what I am saying.

What I hope to share with you in this particular blog is that even when a guy tries his best to adhere to the rules, there will always be times in prison where he may have to bend it to his advantage. One of the rules that can easily be bent is the one concerning medication, as you will see.

According to the rules, it is wrongful to sell medication that you received from the infirmary. You can also extend this to say that you cannot even sell medication that you buy from the inmate canteen, such as Tylenol or any such thing, since this is also bartering.

I knew a guy that was hooked on Benedryl, and was always taking it, and even buying or selling it. It seemed that every time I saw him in the evening, he had one of those pink pills. I remember once my cellmate told me he wasn’t feeling so well, and went to that guy to buy a Benedryl from him. Of course, this would constitute a violation of the rules.

But if you knew how common this was, it would almost be a joke. Many inmates sell or buy medication from one another. Yes, I know there is a drug problem in prison just like there is in society, but in many cases these guys are looking to either sell off excess medication given to them by the infirmary, (which is very rare) or looking to buy some from someone.

Before you jump the gun and say, “well that’s just wrong”, let me put a situation to you. What would you do right now if you were suffering from a headache? Most of you would go immediately to the desk drawer and grab a BC, or Tylenol, or Advil, or something. Well, what would you do if you had none?

You’d probably go to the store and get some. Well, what if you didn’t have a way to the store? Maybe you’d call somebody to see if they can bring you something for your headache. But what if you knew no one that could?

Then you’d just have to sit and endure it until it passes.

And every second that you do would be miserable.

Now, what if you were in prison, surrounded by negativity, stress, depression and guilt all day, every day, for 24 hours a day. Now that same headache, which was already miserable, becomes multiplied because you don’t have any venues of relief. NOW what do you do?

I shared this with you several times, so many of you already know, but I have been in those situations before…more than once. When you need medication, there are options, but those options are most times more costly than they are worth. If I had a headache that was just throbbing, I could fill out a sick card, and sometime in the next THREE days I will get called to the infirmary.

Or, I could fill out an emergency sick card and be seen within a few hours, but it would cost me $5 off my inmate account…FIVE DOLLARS for aspirin? Maybe one time I could do it, but I used to get headaches often since I was a kid, I just cannot see dropping five dollars every time I got a headache, that is not reasonable.

But what if I knew someone in a nearby cell or dorm (depending on the prison) that had some Ibuprophen? Many times you can find a guy that had some extra medication from a sick call, and you may be able to barter with them to give you some. Is this against the rules…absolutely. But is it necessary…absolutely.

The fallacy we have with prisons is that people think that any additional suffering that goes on in prison is actually part of the punishment, which is highly incorrect. No judge ever sentenced a person to prison with the addition that if anything bad happens to him or her, that is part of the punishment. If so, then a person who gets raped while in prison was just taking his part in the incarceration. No different from any other form of suffering. No prison has a right to imply that pain and suffering is actually a part of the incarceration. That folks, would be inhumane.

But the rules are in place for a reason, because for every rule, there are guys that abuse it with unrighteous intents. A guy that pays 50 cents for an Ibuprophen pill to take care of a headache is trying to help himself through a problem. A guy that buys Benedryl to just pop them and sleep is abusing the drug. There is a difference.

I do understand the intent of the rule, because I think the prisons didn’t want things to get out of hand, but I really do think that in order to keep some peace in the prison, there has to be some bending of the rules. I will say this, and not incriminate any officer; if a prison guard that is around inmates all day knows that a decent man in prison needs something for his headache, and knew he bartered another guy for some aspirin, I don’t think that officer would do anything against that inmate. Why? Because he understood that the guy did what he had to do for his health.

See, there are some sensible sides to this issue. And YES, there are officers who understand what inmates are going through. Not all are vindictive slavers looking to write up the next person that breathes against the prison rules.

So there are indeed times where rules like this can be bent, and not punished. Even though by the rule you cannot even give medication away, that is also loosely translated. If I bought some Tylenol and had a couple of packs, and a guy I knew needed some, I would either sell it to him, or just give it to him. If he offered to barter, then I would, but if I knew he had nothing, I would simply give it to him.

Sometimes inmates have to look out for other inmates.

Have I ever sold medication before? I think I may have, but it was only aspirin I had bought out of the canteen, but I very rarely kept enough to be a problem. For that reason, I was never in any trouble for accumulating medication. In many prisons you are allowed to have a certain amount, but no more. If I had 2 or 3 packs of Tylenol in my locker, that is fine, but if I had 50 packs, that could be a problem.

Have I ever given away medication. I am quite sure I have because you often have other guys that need some help. One of the most common is those who go to the dentist. It is a very sad thing when an inmate goes to the dentist, and they pull teeth, and give this guys the very minimum dosage, KNOWING he is going to have some serious pain. What do you expect these guys to do when they are in big pain? Write a grievance?

Many times these guys have to file for an emergency sick call just to get some more Ibuprophen. I was fortunate to never be in that situation. But there was one time I got sick with a very high temperature, and was put on some strange medication, taking like a handful of pills a day. It was almost like a handful of marbles, with the different colors and stuff. I actually took the meds for I think 3 days, but another guy that was getting some stuff was selling it to other inmates.

I could never see myself doing that, because I don’t want to be responsible for giving somebody a pill I did not know much about. Giving ibuprophen is one thing, because I know what that is, but anything else, I am not comfortable with that. Yet many guys do, because to them it is a hustle (you will need to see my blog on hustles).

At any rate, I hope that clears it up a little for you. There is still much that can be said on this subject of prison medication, but I hope you can understand that sometimes inmates have to do what they can to help themselves. I don’t regret paying for Ibuprophen or any Tylenol if I had a headache and needed help, and I don’t regret selling it to someone who needed it as well. Sometimes inmates have to look out for one another.

Give me a email at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com if you want me to discuss other issues, or ask me about how to support my blogs or buy my prison books.

#70 Prison Talk: After the sentence (retro)

Prison talk: AFTER the sentence…

Before I talk about what life can be like after your incarceration, I send my very best wishes to some friends in Texas. After Hurricane Ike, I know some are going through some tough times. One of those people is a reader who has supported me in my writings, so I obviously wish her very well. I can almost always count on her reading my blogs, so I wish her well, and everyone else in that area.

I also wanted to say hello to the new blog sites that I am sharing m prison writings with. What I will probably do is jump start those with some of my older blogs to give those venues a bit of my past blogs. As I said before, you have been warned because I do write a lot.

Also, I always ask those that have been reading my works for awhile to support my writing with your support. You can email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com to ask about that, or visit my book site at the end of my blog.

Now today I happen to be writing with no soda in the fridge, so life isn’t starting out so hot (that IS a light joke folks). But today while reading my email, another of my supportive readers asked me about how life was for me after I got out of prison in 2001. I figured this might be something interesting to talk about, because many people have loved ones that did time and are trying to adjust to the “free” society. Others may have loved ones close to release, and are concerned about how to get them back on track.

So let’s talk about that.

What WAS life like for me after prison?

If you have been reading my other blogs, you know I have addressed this before in different ways, but if you are new, then all this may sound unique. I personally think our society has a very backward and condemning approach to how ex felons ought to live. They seem to forget that the punish WAS prison, not the life after they get out. If a person goes to prison and does his or her time, it is said that he or she has SERVED THEIR DEBT…meaning they owe nothing more.

Ah, but then there is restitution, parole and probation, and then background checks and all that kinda stuff. Kinda makes you think that the incarceration process never really ends.

And in a very sad way, this is true. Society will honor a man who is unrighteous but not a criminal, but won’t honor an ex felon trying to do right. Case in point, how many of you saw how fast those gas prices spiked before Hurricane Ike hit? Even here in North Carolina, we saw gas shoot up about 60 cents more inside of 48 hours.

I don’t believe for one second that those in charge of that oil was afraid of “losing money”, I believe they used that excuse to drive up prices, KNOWING we have no choice but to accept it or not drive. To me that is damn near criminal, taking advantage of people who need that product. But those gas stations were packed with people trying to get that gas.

We just call it business.

But if an ex felon tries to start a business, society will shun away from him because “he’s a con”. Or if a man desperately trying to get a job get turned down because of his background, we say “shouldn’t have broken the law”. We have almost no sympathy to an ex felon when he tries to get his life back, but when he resorts to the only things he can do, and ends up in jail, we are often the first ones to say, “see! I KNEW it! Once a con, always a con”.

We have a lot to learn about humanity.

Now I don’t sit here with a halo around my head typing this, but since I have been out I have lived how very difficult and hypocritical society can be to an ex felon. And the sad thing is that it isn’t just the ignorant people, the ones who think every person in prison ought to be “busting rocks”. It also comes from churches and so called prison support groups.

When I got out in 2001, I had dreams of starting my own business again and making some good money to not only enjoy life, but to also help others. What do I mean by that? Well, I would love to make enough money to take some of those nice trips I see on the Travel Channel, or maybe get season tickets to some football or basketball team, but I also wanted to make sure my family and friends were enjoying life too. Further, I wanted to be able to help some people in my neighborhood.

It sounds corny, but I wanted to be one of those guys that sees a mother window shopping at the toy store, knowing she can’t afford much for her kids this Christmas, and I could help her buy some toys (and groceries) to make it better. I know it sounds corny, but I always thought that financial abundance gives you the responsibility to help those that don’t have it.

So my new life after prison was on this dream that maybe I could start up my fragrance oil business and in no time, be making $100,000 a year. Well, that’s what I hoped, even though I had probation for the next 3 years and a near $10,000 retribution. Still I just believed it could be done. I mean, why not?

But sadly, it just seemed that everything I tried to do was falling apart. I didn’t have the money to do what I needed, and the first job I got as an ex felon was working for a so called Christian radio station that felt it right to pay me $3 an hour…well below minimum wage.

But I needed the job because I have a degree in Radio and Television, and knew radio, and the job was close enough to walk to. And I needed the job to verify that I was working under probation. But it didn’t go so well (those who read my older blogs know this story), and I ended up getting fired for asking for more pay.

I got a job bagging groceries at a local store, which paid slightly better, but soon lost that job when the “pastor” made a stupid remark, not knowing that the local paper was going to print it. I had to call the Department of Labor on their sorry butts while I was still working at the station because they were paying me illegally. They got on the case and asked the “Christian” radio station if I was an employee. They lied and said I was a volunteer.

But the Department of Labor said if I have any check stubs, it verifies that I am not a volunteer, but an employee, and as such they MUST pay me back pay for minimum wage. After I gave them the proof, they went back and asked the “Christian” radio station again if I was an employee, and with the proof they had to tell the truth.

Weeks later the local newspaper did a story on it, on how a guy (me) was paid poorly by a Christian radio station but still went back to help them when the station needed help. I did a phone interview for that story, and it seemed like a “feel good story”. However, what I didn’t know was that when they asked the pastor of that station about it, he tried to deny it and said, “you can’t trust anything an ex con says”. Apparently what he didn’t know was that what he said was going to be printed, and it made him look bad.

So this jerk comes out to the store where I work, and tries to make peace with me. Until then I didn’t know what he had said to the paper, so he was actually trying to apologize for what was ABOUT to happen to me, not for what happened in the past. I didn’t think nothing of it, and was glad to forgive and forget…until the paper hit.

It was a front page story, and now I am out there, as an ex con. Yeah, that was true, but I tried to keep that discreet so I can get my life together. But now with this story out, and with me doing nothing wrong, I was guilty because of my past. The so called pastor told me in that store he tried to get the paper to not print that story, and even threatened to sue, but he had no grounds to do so. But he never told me what was said…I had to read it in the paper.

The paper didn’t say anything bad about me, in fact, it was pretty good, but the fact that the pastor put me out there like that was the death of my current job. Because I was an ex felon, the store felt that it was not in “good business” to have me working for them, so I lost my job.

My background was destroying my chances of getting my life back. Life got very hard for me, and I was going nowhere. It was about that time I was online looking for some prison ministries and found one with people asking questions about prison. I read it and said to myself, “hey, I can answer that!”.

I remember reading another post by someone who wrote some things about prison, telling the readers how terrible and horrible it was, and I read it thinking, “he may be right in what he said, but there’s gotta be a better way to share this info and give these people some hope”.

It was then I started prison writing, and since then I have continued to do so. It’s weird, in the midst of all my misery, I was writing to HELP others. I had no job, trying to do my best to make something, but nobody giving me a chance, and being embarrassed by of all people, a PASTOR, it was very hard to find a way to pick myself up.

But I felt if I could start my own business, even a small one, it would give me the authority to control more of my life. I had that experience before, why not again? But with my oils not really selling like I wanted, I needed another product. That was when I started getting lots of comments from people saying “you ought to write a book”.

I had written for several prison sites, and this was kinda common. I had made so many posts I was becoming one of the best writers on the site (I say that humbly, I am sure there are better prison writers than me).

But the idea was there…why NOT write prison books? If there are people who value your writing, and you are answering tons of emails a week, then there is a demand for your talent. Perhaps this is what you need to be doing. I mean I have always loved writing, but I never figured on writing about prison stuff.

But the opportunity was there. So I started writing “Grades of Honor”, in some anticipation that maybe this is where I turn the corner, this is where financially I can start living and seeing that dream I once had.

Problem.

Nobody was buying my books.

I found it absolutely weird that the very same people who praised my posts were nowhere to be found when I completed “Grades of Honor”. I even sent 2 or 3 of my books FREE to some of the moderators of those sites, hoping for some nice comments on the site…they loved the book, but never talked about it on the site. I wasted my time.

Further, now I was being banned from some of the very sites I had helped so much. Before people were always reading and commenting on my posts, now moderators were literally making me a witch in Salem. Sites like Prison Talk, LostVault, WriteAPrisoner and others were banning me for even mentioning my books. The misguided owner of LostVault banned me in one day because she read ONE post and banned me from the site. Problem was she didn’t read the other 5 or 6 I had, and completely missed the sincerity I was sharing.

It just seemed that these so called prison support sites were not as sincere as they let on. As long as I was spilling my guts to them for their benefit, that was cool. But as soon as I talk about my books, or cards or support, the room empties like there’s a bomb threat. Yet people kept emailing me, wanting my help or advice, or wanted me to post again on this site or that site.

If I was doing so much good, then why can’t I earn a living?

It was so frustrating because I was trying to do right, I was helping people and doing the best I could, even though in my personal life it was falling apart. I was way behind in my restitution, and it could result in my violation and send me back to prison. How can a college grad with a degree in Radio and Television have this many problems?

In 2004 my probation period ended, but because I owed money in restitution, my probation officer had to turn me in. He didn’t have a choice because it was part of my probation. I held nothing against him, I actually had 3 probation officers during that time and all three spoke very well of me. It’s just that I could not afford to pay the thousands of dollars in restitution.

Imagine that…going to prison for being poor…

And the irony of this was I was still writing positive posts for prison support sites, while hoping that SOMEBODY would support my writings. Nobody did. I’m sitting here drowning, with thousands of people looking, and not one of them bothers to help.

It took a great miracle (and I DO mean that) to come up with the money at the last minute. That is a heart touching story maybe I will share again someday, but we came up with the money at the last moment. We managed to pay the restitution but I still had to go to court. Even with the money paid, I could STILL be sent back to prison for not paying on time.

As it turned out, the probation officer spoke very well of me, and because the debt was paid, the judge gave me my freedom. I walked out a free man…which was of course a great thing, but free to do what?

I still needed money, and I was disappointed that all those people I helped at Prison Talk, Prisonforum, Prisonsupport, prison this and prison that, none of them bothered to lift a finger to help me. But they expected me to keep writing for their sakes.

Things soured for me with the entire genre of “prison support” as I started to see that it really wasn’t about support, just people with fetishes about convicts or self-righteous moderators who want to be claimed as the “expert” of a site, just because they have 50,000 posts (and 99% of them cut and paste messages). I got sick of moderators who claim that they know more than me because their “man” did more time than me. I got sick of how correctional officers can make more risky comments than ex felons, and get away with it. I got sick of how some stupid members can spit on another person’s post, but if I defend my own post, I get warned. It really ticked me off when the moderators of the NC forum of Prison Talk jumped on my case when two idiots tried to argue on my post about whether inmates wear regular clothing all the time in prison. It is very strange how a moderator will take the side of two idiots who never set foot in a prison over one who has been there…stupid.

All of this was becoming a hypocrisy and was begging the question of whether all this was worth doing. I honestly believed that if I helped others, then I could make a decent living, which would in turn support my work to help those people. Why can’t I get paid for being a prison writer? Thousands of people read my blogs, thousands read and comment on my posts, tons of people email me. Why couldn’t I turn that into a profit and make a living?

It was hard…hell, it IS hard, because I am still there. In fact just about a week ago I was a finger nail away from erasing all my blogs off the internet. Now, some of you that are reading on the newer blogs might not think that is much, but we’re talking about 700 pages worth of writing…in only about 5 months!

It’s very hard for an ex felon to get back into the flow of the “American Dream”, because it’s like I am cursed. Oh, it’s fine when I share a blog and people email me and want me to answer this and that. And I don’t mind doing that at times. But it gets frustrating when I say in my blogs, “ email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com to ask how you can support my writings” and people ignore that.

And then there are those who “lure” me by asking me a question after promising to buy one of my books or cards. Of course, once I answer their question, they don’t come back, or they keep luring me with promises to buy my products only because they believe they can get me to help them.

It’s hard, very hard, to continue to look ahead when it has been so troubling. But having said all that, I can say this; there have been some that really took pity on me, and really cared about me. There is one very nice lady in Texas that supported me when most people didn’t care about me at all, but copied every blog I wrote. There is a guy who I am actually writing this particular post for who supported me when most just wanted the free advice…

Think about that…what is REALLY free…

There is a lady with a son in prison who also supported me when most did not. In fact, last week when I closed my blogs, these were the three people out of THOUSANDS that read my blogs, that emailed me to see what was going on. Now there are a couple of others who have bought a book from me, but if even 1% of my readers supported my writings, there would have been so much more I could have given.

So it’s hard, very hard, to look at this “free” life and trying to do right, but seeing very little harvest. Lord knows I wanted to give this prison writing up more than once, because sometimes I feel that nobody really cares about the person, only the info. And the funny thing will be some of those same people who read my blogs and never supported me will have similar problems when their loved ones get out and have similar problems with them. Then I’ll get those emails about “please help me, my son has been out of prison for 5 months but it has been so hard for him. How did you make it through the first year of your freedom”.

The answer I’d probably give is, “I did it DESPITE you”.

And society does not understand the bitterness that builds when an ex felon continues to fail. Heck, you see it in sports all the time. When a team is winning, everybody is happy, even if the players don’t normally like one another. But once the losing starts stringing up, maybe 2 losses in a row, or 3, or 5, then communication breaks down. Guys get bitter because they are disappointed.

Now you know how ex felons feel.

I think I would have been all the way pissed off by now, except I understand that even though 5000 people may not give a flip about me, there have been many people that emailed me with very sincere thoughts of thankfulness. I know there are lots of people that could if they would, support me, but all they can do is send a “God bless you”. I understand that, and I know the ones that are sincere. Many a time I get emails from mothers or wives or girlfriends that are really at the end of their rope, and have nowhere to go, and nobody on those prison support sites can understand.

It’s times like that I remember why I write, and even though I have a very hard time finding financial support, I know that it is always helpful to help another person in need. Heck, nobody can call me a con artist, I’ve not made much money at all from my books and stuff because the very people I write them for won’t support me. But if it was free, those same people would be knocking down my door for it.

There is a balance of the expectation of reaping and the necessity of sowing in my life when it comes to these writings. I expect to get some support (because I NEED it), but I also understand that not everybody’s bank account has two commas in it (think about that).

So as you have read in my blogs, there are times I fell ok because I do get some financial support once and awhile, but then there are dry times where I get frustrated. I don’t mind blogging that because you get to see what life is like through my eyes, through the eyes of an ex felon.

So if this is your first couple of blogs or if you have been following my blogs for months, I hope you understand where I am coming from. Ex felons often have to do things 3 times better than the regular person just to be considered equal… and even then it does not translate well. My hope is that I can get readers to support my writing and my works. Even after 700 pages, that is only a fraction of what I can share.

Gotta go, email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com to ask how to support my works or visit my book site.

#69 Prison talk: don't lose your faith (retro)

Prison Talk: Don’t lose your faith!

Before I begin, I wanted to update you on the blog I wrote about PTO changing my name to discourage their members from knowing who I was. I mentioned they changed the “masonik4” and “Nolaw97” names on the site to “Retired-101”. Today I got an email from a reader that told me it was changed to “Retired 102”.

If you are looking for my posts on PTO, try those out and see, you will know if it is from me, you know how I write. They will probably try to change it again, to keep their own members from knowing who is writing those, heaven forbid if the members of PTO are really looking for help.

Anyway, let’s get started with a scripture that I feel is needed today:

“Trust in the Lord with thine own heart, and lean not unto thy own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all thy ways, and He will direct thy path”

I was reading some emails today and I came across one that I believe needs to understand what this means. A lot of us have been in, or ARE in, situations where it may look hopeless. When those times come, we are often pushed to try to find an answer, either by God or by our own methods.

In dealing with prison issues, this is very common because anyone reading my blog is likely in a tough situation. A mother with a son in prison, a girlfriend with a boyfriend going to prison, or a person who themselves may be going to prison. This is very common, but the results of those situations can be anywhere from common to miraculous.

If you have a concern, and need help, it is all to easy to ask for prayer, because we all are in situations where we look for divine help. But a lot of times we don’t look for help in faith, we look in fear.

We pray to God, “Lord, save my son, I am so afraid”. Now, to some it sounds like a decent prayer, because you are asking God for help. But I might suggest to you that this maybe in error, because the prayer is full of fear.

Folks, when it comes to prison issues, it is important that you understand why you are praying, and how. If you want someone to be delivered, or to be delivered yourself, you must come to God in faith. The Bible clearly says that without faith you cannot even please God, because you have to believe that God is there, and that He will reward those who seek Him.

Another verse in Psalms says, “I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears”.

I sometimes get emails from people that are very afraid, and are doing the best they can, but you can tell that they are afraid. And that is common, because I have been there myself. I know what it is like to be at the verge or panic or full-blown terror of a situation involving prison.

But there is a difference between being in faith, and being in fear. And many times, your actions will show how you really feel. What I want to do is try to get you to understand that the very words you say and how you act can help, or hurt your chances from getting a prayer answered.

Now some might say, “what does it matter; if God promised, then it is automatic, right”

That is true, God can indeed promise and deliver, because the Bible says that all the promises of God are yes and amen, but if that is so true, why then don’t we get the answers to our prayers? If you are looking at doing time, and you have repented and asked God to deliver you, is it fully automatic, or are there things you have to do? If your son just got 10 years, can you pray that maybe he can get out earlier?

Let’s say I offered free prison cards to anyone who asked for them. Let’s say I write a blog and promise to the first 500 people that if they gave me their land address, I would send them 5 prison cards so they can send to their loved ones in prison.

What I have established is a promise. I made a promise to you that if you do this, then I will do that. Now, if I am a man of my word, I will honor it as best as a human being can. So if you email me and give me your address, then it is on me to honor my word to you, and send you those cards. Why? Because I promised that I would.

The moment you give me that address, then you are in expectation of my promise. It is as good as yours because I promised that I would do as I said. During that time, there is an expectation on your end for me to fulfill my word to you. The moment you get those cards, the promise is fulfilled…but actually, it was fulfilled the moment I sent it to you. You just didn’t have the physical proof of it, although it was in the mail.

But what if you didn’t trust me, and gave me a bogus address, just to see IF I would send it? I don’t know on my end what is true or not, so unless somebody gave the address, “123 Sesame Street”, I would have no idea what is honest or not. But I am still bound by my word to send those cards because I said I would.

Now if those cards go to the wrong address, that is not my fault…that is YOUR fault. If you gave me bogus information to see IF I would honor my word, then you were never in faith to begin with. Or, if you gave me an address that you are no longer at, or a post office box that you never check, then you missed out on the promise because you were not diligent to receive what was given to you.

The promise was there, but often times we reject it because of other circumstances. Just as we do the same to other people, we do the same to God, but yet we expect Him to do it anyway, even if we fall completely out of faith with Him.

We have all been there, so I am not criticizing anyone in particular, I know I have been there more than once, so in some ways I am talking about myself, but doing so to help you understand what you may need to do. So many of us have loved ones in prison that we are afraid for, and pray for things but are still in too much fear to believe in it.

What if your son got sentenced to 20 years, and you were afraid you may never see him again? Twenty years is a long time folks. What if that mother went to God and prayed that her son could possibly come out sooner? We all know that it would take a miracle for that to happen…which is why we pray to God anyway. Man on his own cannot make miracles unless the power of God is with them to do it.

If you are going to pray, you have to have faith, or it may not work. I started to say that it WILL not work, but I know God is merciful and can see the hearts of us all, but I can say that without faith you cannot please God. And that goes in a few ways, one being in that you have to trust that God can, and WILL answer your prayer, but it also means something else:

It means you have to let God work it out, instead of you trying to figure everything out for yourself. I mean, if you could do it yourself, you would not need God anyway, right?

A lot of times when I get emails from people with loved ones in prison or prison related issues, I read to see the faith in it. If there is faith, then things can go well, but sometimes I read emails where the person talks more about the problem than about the prayer and faith they have.

You can’t do both.

Well, maybe you can, but the more of one you have, the greater the chance of you getting what you either believed for, or was in fear of.

You can actually measure the faith or fear (or both) in what you say and what you write. Writing is a direct form of communication, so you are very well saying what is in your heart. If a person writes an email and talks about the problem more than their faith, you can tell that this person needs to work more in faith. What this means is that there has to be a greater application of faith in the person, not just by the eyes, but to also get it in their heart. There is a scripture that says that from the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. If you are talking about fear and the problems and the circumstances, then THAT is what is in your heart, not faith.

And if there is no faith in your heart, how can you expect God to help you if you are rejecting His promise? I submit to you that for every person that has ever prayed, including me, the answer was ALWAYS THERE. The miracles I have experienced in my life before, during and after prison are the same way. Those answers were always there, and probably many others that I missed. God honored HIS part when you prayed, but YOU have to claim it. This is where we miss it so much, because we get suckered out of a blessing because we look at the circumstances rather than God’s word.

If you are worried about your son in prison, get into God’s word and get it into your heart, rather than reading fearful posts on other sites about how bad prison is, and how violent it is. Yeah, it is violent, but that does not mean God can’t protect someone you love. I mean, you DO believe God can help an inmate, right? Even in the worst prisons, God can do it.

But most people live off fear and unknowingly, are embracing that more than faith. Faith drives off fear, and fear drives off faith. It will determine the resolution that you seek, or the one you fear. And the way we fall into fear is by looking at the circumstances and talking about the circumstances, and giving in to the circumstances. By doing this, we are saying that God is not greater than the problem, that there are problems that even God Himself cannot solve (or would not WANT to solve).

When I got my miracle to finish my senior year in college, I was surrounded by the circumstances. I didn’t have enough money to pay for my last year in college, and I was already late in registering; classes had already started. I was afraid that if I told mom, then she might say (with a good heart) that maybe we should not go and drive 6 hours across state if they won’t let me in. But I am grateful that God held my mouth shut on that, because if I told her, then she would be concerned too. As it was, she never knew that her son may not be admitted to college for his final year.

I told you guys this before, but those 6 hours were very, very hard. I was hit with all the “what ifs”. I was very nervous that we might get all the way there, only to be turned down. But I got there, got the money from a grant and loan, and got two jobs on the campus, and even got to stay in the same dorm. Folks, don’t take this lightly…it took FAITH to get back and finish college. Had I looked and talked about the circumstances, I very likely would not have made it, because I would have been looking at the problem, rather than the solution.

I told you about the juvenile I bonded out while I was in jail, and how I promised that kid that I would pay his $150 bond and get him out before his birthday. I had no money on me, but I believed that I could get him out if I would just not get canteen for a few weeks. I figured I could do it, but quickly found out that things were not going to my plan.

Now I did pray to God to bond the kid out, and I certainly wanted to do it, but when things got tough, I debated in telling him that maybe I can’t do it, maybe I would not have the money. But something kept me from saying that to him, I just didn’t have the heart to go back on my word to him.

Things got pretty hard, because with time running out, and his birthday in November coming fast, I had NO money to bond him out. It was a struggle, and I questioned if this could work or not, and wondering if maybe I ought to “tell him the truth” and let him down easily. But something told me not to, to just keep believing.

I remember while we were getting a haircut in one of the cells, he was there with me and was calling his home, telling them how excited he was because he said he’ll be home on his birthday, or before Thanksgiving. I remember it so well because I was looking at him, and fighting to decided whether to tell him the “truth” or to continue to believe…

You notice something there? Twice I said to you that I should tell him the “truth”. Well then what is the truth? Is God’s word the truth, or the circumstances?

I say again, is GOD’S WORD the truth, or the CIRCUMSTANCES?

When you are in faith, then you are standing on God’s word, which IS truth. But we lose it because we start to look at the circumstances, and we claim it to be true, rather than God’s word. This is perhaps why we lose out on God’s promises, because we no longer see God’s blessing to be true, we see the circumstances and believe that to be truer than God.

I had a choice at that moment, to tell that juvenile that maybe I could not do what I said, or to keep my mouth shut and trust God. I chose the latter, even though the circumstances didn’t get better for me.

Time was running out as we were closing in on that kid’s birthday, when I got some mail from my professor from college, who sent me some money. About a few days before, I actually got a letter from someone I didn’t know, who actually had a few dollars in it. Now understand the gravity of that…all mail coming to inmates should have been inspected for cash…yet mine was not because most of the guards trusted me anyway.

With only a few days before that kid’s birthday, in fact just before his birthday, I was able to come up with $150 and get my older brother to get in touch with a bondsman to pay that kid’s bond. And I remember it was on a Saturday, but I think it was November 15 or 16th, when I heard the officer go to his cell and told him to pack his stuff up, he was going home. God honored His word, and by doing so, I was able to honor mine. That kid got out on that day…which just happened to be his birthday.

But you see where I had chances to bail out. The circumstances did not look favorable to me, and we usually see these things as truth, even though we have put our trust in God’s word. Well, what is true to you? The Bible and what God says, or the circumstances? One will be true, the other false.

And the truth will be revealed in what you say.

Look folks, I am no minister, no bishop, no pastor nor do I have a church or choir. I certainly don’t have a halo around my head, or wings on my back. But I know a little about faith, as you do. I have been through tough times before, during and even after prison, but faith never changes. I am learning as I go too, just as you are, but I also know that God understands that. Yet in all things we talk about in prison issues, and what I try to share to you, I am doing the best I can to get you to see that you can get through this, or you can overcome the situation.

I write these things to give you a little hope, but what is hope if you don’t add faith to it? Sometimes your prayer might mean holding on to the last minute, and trusting that God had the answer from day one. When I needed a LOT of money to pay restitution, I had to hold on to the last day, while mom looked like she had given up. She did all she could, and I felt so sorry for her, but I could not give in on what I prayed for. I had no solutions myself, and everything I tried crumbled. But when I went and sat in my bedroom, all I could do was believe…and it was enough.

All these things I have shared supports the scripture I shared at the top. Trust in God with your heart, because to be sure, your mind will be swamped with the problems and the circumstances. But it is now that you have to trust God. You have to determine which is greater, the problems of your loved one in prison, or God’s word. The possibility of you going to prison, or God’s word. The worries you have of your husband or God’s word. The answer is already there, but you still have to accept it, or reject it.

That same scripture warns us to not lean not on what we think we know, because this is the problems we run into. We pray to God for something, but then we start looking at the circumstances, and then we start talking about the circumstances, and by doing that, we end up believing that more than God’s word. The moment we start doing that, we are turning away from the very promises we asked God to help us with.

The next part says to acknowledge God in the things we do, meaning to let God in our lives, and to share with Him what we are going through. If you are concerned or worried, let Him know. God understands that we are going to be attacked every day on our faith, but He wants us to let Him in our lives so we can share it with Him. If we do that, the final part of that scripture says that HE will direct our path. See, He can’t help us if we don’t let him.

This is where we miss it so much. Many people have problems with a loved one in prison, but they keep looking at the problem and never acknowledging God. Or, they try to do it themselves, off their own intelligence, and miss the direction from God. Sometimes we can be too smart for our own good.

When I worked for a Christian radio station shortly after I got out of prison, there was no coincidence of me working there. Now, I didn’t know it at the time, but I see it a bit clearer after several years. The church and pastor got the radio station, and made it a Christian station, but needed help running it. So here comes an ex felon, who has a degree in radio, and worked in that very station before, when it was under another owner. I knew everything about the station because I had been there before, and knew how to work on the air. It seemed like a great marriage for the church and pastor because they had someone with great experience working for them.

But when I lost my job with them, and was being paid less than minimum wage, they felt that they could do better. In the years since, they got worse, and now, they are off the air, and may lose their FCC license. I don’t think it was God’s will for them to fail, but they had the answer with them from the beginning. That is not so make me out to be some great guy, but to be sure, God put me in that position to HELP them, and it was at the very beginning of their station. I think the station was running less than 3 months before I showed up. So the answer was right there, even though I had no idea of God’s plan, I was just a part of it.

But often times we get so smart in ourselves that we think we are making the right decisions, when we are actually rejecting God’s direction. Some things seem right to a person, but God knows all things.

We do it all the time, so I am right there with you. But when you are worried abot a loved one in prison, or if you yourself may be in such a situation, you have to check what you are saying. Listen to yourself, or see what you are writing in those posts or emails. If it is full of fear, you have to change that. The more you look at the circumstances, the more you are willing to see it as the “truth” rather than God’s word.

Think about that. You can pray for God to help you, to deliver you or whatever you are praying for, but if you are filled with the problems and talking about how bad things are, and how bad you feel, then you are embracing the natural truth, rather than God’s truth. Or, if you feel that you have to make decisions based on how you FEEL, then you are not operating on God’s word.

These things will determine your faith, or your fear. So I urge you, don’t give up on your faith, regardless of how things look now. Trust in God and what you have prayed to Him for, and stop giving place to the problems. They will be there whether you believed in God or not, but you have to choose which is the greater truth. Whichever is greater to you, you will end up speaking. Acknowledge God in everything you are doing, talk to Him, let Him know how you feel and what you do, and He will direct your steps and tell you and guide you in the way to your answer.

Sometimes that answer will require you to do something, but sometimes it requires you to do nothing, because we have a serious problem of trying to do everything ourselves, and end up screwing it up. But if we listen to God, and pay attention, we can get through it.

Well, I hope that helps some of you, I really want you to understand how much faith you need to help a loved one in prison. You don’t need a ton of faith, you simply have to take God at His word. Are you worried about your loved one in prison? Are YOU worried about prison? Then take the time to ask God to help you. And if you do, then take the time to believe what He says. I am not saying I have all the answers, but what I do write is from my heart, and from what God puts in it for me to say. Again, that does not make me any better than you, but I supposed God knows what He is doing.

He always does.

Anyway, my thanks to those who support my blogs, and as I get more people emailing me and supporting my blogs, I am more thankful for you. It is a strong encouragement to keep writing, so I hope to continue to share more as we go on. Email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com.

#68 Prison Talk; Fear of prison (retro)

Prison Talk: The Fear of Prison

It is way too easy for me to go online and do a simple search for places where there are people scared out of their wits about a loved one going to prison. There are lots of things that can decline in numbers or volume, but there may always be people going to jail or prison, and as such, there will always be people who are worried about them.

This then creates a fear of prison, something I have blogged about before, but how many of you really understand what that is?

I was reading a post somewhere this morning where a lady was so worried about her son who got sent to prison for 5 years, and was asking for advice. As usual, the people there knew nothing about prison and spent more time saying the “if he did the crime, he’s got to do the time” and that kinda stuff.

Folks…she didn’t come to be slapped with that kinda talk…she came for help. She came because she has a great fear about her son going to prison, and what might happen. Some of the comments I read were so ignorant that this concerned mom might as well give up and just HOPE that her son will live through this difficult situation.

See, part of the problem here is the venue of help is bogus. She isn’t really talking to people who CARE about her or her loved one, they just want to get on a soapbox and tell her stuff she already knows.

If I a deep in debt and need help, I don’t want to go talk to somebody who’s gonna remind me of my faults, I need somebody who can help me get through this. Even if that means facing the faults, there still has to be some hope at the end of the lecture.

Anybody who cannot give you a light at the end of their sermon should have never opened their mouth to begin with. You will NEVER find a chance to fight prison fear when you talk to people who don’t know how to end a discussion on a high note.

And that’s what you are looking for.

When you have fear for a loved one in prison, you are looking for answers, or at least some comfort that things can get better. For that lady who has a son in prison, there are many, many fears that run through her head, some are real, some are based on the fear of prison.

We can discuss this in great detail, but none of it will mean a thing if you can’t get past the idea of your part in this. Sometimes folks, you can’t wait until things GET better before you release the fear, sometimes you have to take an active part in fighting fear. So to get started, ask yourself this simple question….

What are you REALLY afraid of with your loved one in prison?

When you can place a value to that question, THEN we can begin to address the issues and begin the fight to counter that fear. Most people have no idea how much influence they have in how a loved one gets through his sentence, both good and bad.

Think about that, and think about what you can do to help your loved one in prison. When you’re ready, then we’ll talk.

#67 Where does hope lie for ex felons (part 3)

“Yeah, sometimes the hardest thing for an ex felon to do is get his life back…when most people won’t let him.” he said.

“I worry so much that my son will be the same way. He’s got 5 years left and I just don’t know what to do. It’s got me worried so much that sometimes I can’t even get out of the house. I was just coming back from a night service and decided to stop here for a moment to get some of those juices in the refreshment area. It’s kinda like a routine I do, because my son always loved those juices.”

“I am sure your son will be fine.”

“How can you be so sure? I would have given anything to make that trip to Atlanta and just hear what Faithone99 had to say. I think I copied everything he ever wrote on the site, and I even emailed him a few times.”

“You did?” he asked with great curiosity?

“Yes. I told him how sad I felt when the site banned him, and I told him I was also disappointed that I could not be able to support him and his writing. I can’t afford his book, but I know there are people who could easily help him financially, but won’t. But some of them will be the first to ask him to give them help, while they sit back and do nothing for him. It’s not right.”

“Well, if you did meet him, what would you ask him”

The woman looked at him, almost with pleading eyes. She may have never really had a real opportunity to ask an ex felon a question that might help her and her son, and now, in the middle of the night, in a rest area parking lot, she had a chance.

“I’d ask him if God cares about inmates.”

He giggled to himself as he smiled at the lady.

“I thought you were going to ask a harder question than that.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“That answer is simple. Of course He cares.”

“How do you know? I mean, I go to church every weekend and pray for God to look after my son, and to keep him safe while he is in prison. But I worry so much that he might be in trouble, and sometimes I worry if he thinks I don’t love him so much because I just don’t have the money and…”

“Ma’am..” he interrupted

“Yes?” she said, almost ready to break down in stress.

“He’s gonna be ok.”

“But how can you know?”

“Isn’t that what faith is? To believe even when you have no physical proof? To trust that God will do what you prayed Him to do?”

“But he’s in prison.”

“And who walking this planet is perfect ma’am? We can easily identify inmates as the fallen, but in reality, aren’t we ALL in that same position?”

“I…well…yes I see your point” she said.

He got out the car to face the woman, who was now very interested in what he had to say. He needed to get her from panic to comfort to faithful, and he naturally did what he had cursed himself for doing only hours earlier in the day.

“Ma’am, faith is believing something will happen even if you cannot see it. Let me give you an example. When I was in prison, my mom promised to send me some money. The moment she said it, I had FAITH that she was going to do what she said. It didn’t matter what sins I had, mom loved me enough to send some money, and the moment she said she would send it, I believed that she would. I didn’t have it at the moment and I had no proof of it, but I just had faith that it was coming, so it was already mine.”

“But I just can’t afford to send my son money every month. Every other month I might be able to send him $20 or so, and I keep wishing I could send more, but I have so many bills that have to be paid. It’s so stressful wanting to help but not able to do it financially.”

“Ma’am, you’re missing the point. This isn’t about money. This is about faith that your son will be ok. Faith for you means believing that whether you send him $20 or nothing, God will look after him. After all, that’s what you prayed for, right?”

“Well, yes..”

“Then start to believe that. You can’t pray on something then turn around and wonder if God will honor His word. I had faith that mom was going to do what she said; how much greater should that be of God? Even though I was in prison?”

“You are so right…Lord, you sound just like Faithone99, he even talked about something just like that. You ought to be there in Atlanta.” she said.

“Well, I was. I’m heading back home.” he said, as he turned to look into the night.

“You were there…at the convention?” she asked.

“Yeah, I was. By the way, you mentioned Faithone99, and that you emailed him.”

“Yes. My name was kinda like his, mine was Faithinson, and I used to always tell him that God was gonna bless him for sharing his posts on the prison site. He really was a nice person, and you could tell he had a lot of faith.”

He laughed at himself in extreme sarcasm.

“Well, there wasn’t a lot of faith today.” he said sadly.

“What do you mean?” she said.

“Never mind, just part of a long day I wish to forget. Ma’am, I better get going, still got like 4 hours before I get home, but let me give you something…”

He reached in the car, opened one of the boxes in the back seat and took out one of his self-published books. He stepped back out and handed it to her.

“Here, I want you to have this.”

She took the book and read the cover and was quite surprised at recognizing the title.

“This is that book Faithone99 was talking about. You bought this from him? I can’t take this, that would not be right.”

“Ma’am, I want you to have it, I got 69 more in the car,” he said, almost in defeat.

“69 more…wait…oh my Lord…YOU are Faithone99??”

“Sadly, yes.”

“I can’t believe I’ve been talking to the one person that has helped me so much since my son has been in prison. I owe so much of my sanity to you. I prayed that the Lord would bless you with the support you needed to keep writing, I always include you in my prayers,” said the woman as she instinctively gave him a most warm and welcome hug.

“Thanks, that means a lot. But I want you to keep it.”

“But I can’t pay for it…”

“I was selling it to you, I was giving it to you.” he said.

“But you have to have something. I have a couple of dollars in my car, I was going to buy some juices anyway, you can have that…”

“No ma’am I won’t take your last few dollars. It’s on me, honest.”

“Please, give me a chance to give you something. I can’t afford to do a lot of things, but somehow I believe that God gave me a wonderful opportunity to meet a person that could really help me, and the least I can do is give you a couple of dollars. It would mean so much to me.”

“But what of your juices?”

“I’m not going to die of thirst if I don’t get juices tonight. And to be able to get your book in exchange of a couple of drinks is a very fair exchange. Please let me give you something.”

“I… I’d feel bad taking your money.” he said, embarrassed.

“You’re not taking my money…I’m giving it to you.”

“Well, if it makes you feel better…I wish I had the same luck at the convention center today.” he said.

“Is that why you were crying? Didn’t sell enough books?” she said

“Worse than that I am afraid. I spoke for 2 hours, answered everybody’s questions but not one person bought a book. In fact, people bought those other prison books by authors that weren’t even there. I gave those people everything I had and got nothing in return. I took 70 books, and here I am with 70... Well, 69 now.”

“And you feel like God let you down?”

“Yeah…” he said with his head down. “I believed that if I could just have some faith, then there would be some people out there that could help me do more for those with loved ones in prison. Millions of people have a loved one in prison, and they all have questions. Heck, the prison support site I was banned from claims to have over 50,000 members. You know yourself that most of my posts were heavily read. How can I contribute so much, sow so much in helping people, but not get any returns?”

The woman went to her car, took two dollars out and came back to him. She gently placed those two dollars in his hand.

“It’s not much, but trust me, I have never been more thankful to give someone money as I am tonight. You told me just a moment ago that faith is believing when there is no proof. You helped me to see that tonight for my son, and I want you to believe that for yourself.”

He took the two dollars and smiled. At least he made two dollars this whole trip, he reasoned, no offense to the nice woman.

“Thanks. At least I won’t go home totally defeated.”

“But you’re not defeated, not by a long shot. If what you are doing is a help to people, then you have to believe that God had a reaping for you, a blessing. God is not gonna watch you do kind works and not bless you for it? We had a sermon just tonight about how God blesses those that help the poor. Not just poor financially, but also the poor in spirit. How many people read your posts and sent you emails? You were the best writer on the site, so I know you got hundreds of emails and comments.”

“Yeah, quite a few…but it…it doesn’t pay bills.”

“But that’s where you have to have faith. Right now everything looks like you have failed. You write all these posts, you get banned from prison support sites, you write books that people are not buying, yet people all want you to give them more of yourself, while they sit back and do nothing. There are a lot of people out there that need your help, but many of them won’t lift a finger to help you, even if they had the means to. But God sees all that, even if you can’t. You simply have to believe that things will change, even if you can’t see any changes. You said as much about me and my son, so I am returning the favor.”

“Yeah…I kinda see your point.”

“But you were supposed to speak two days, right? That’s what I was told on the site.” she asked.

“Yeah…”

“Well…you can’t go home now. People are counting on you. They need to hear from you. Lots of people are relying on the hope you give them.”

“I know, but I really needed to sell some books, I needed to see that what I am doing can be a blessing to me financially, better than the minimum wage jobs I have now.”

“Don’t you believe God will do that for you?” she asked.

“I…I don’t know.”

“I know lots of people say God bless you a lot, but some of us really mean it. When I pray to the Lord to bless you for what you do for me, I mean it. And if so, then I have to have faith that the Good Lord is going to bless you because I asked Him to. You’ve got some blessing coming, but if you give up now, you may never see them.”

He thought about that…he knew she was right, but his day had been so depressing that it was hard to have any faith. He just wanted to go home and forget all about this.

“Please son, don’t give up on God…He didn’t give up on you, and as you said to me, He does not give up on inmates. If I can believe my son will be ok, then surely you can believe that He’s got some wonderful blessing for you. If you stay in faith.” she said as she held his hands.

A deep sigh as he looked at her.

“Well…I guess since my pen name is Faithone, I better show some of it to myself. You’ve talked me into it. I’m going back to Atlanta and get a room and try this again tomorrow.”

“God bless you. God’s gonna bless you. I know there are lots of people that may not give you so much as the time of day, but expect you to give them your watch, but you have to believe that there are people that will support you. Just be patient ok?”

“Ok…and the same goes for you. Your son’s gonna be ok. He will still have obstacles, but if you keep him in your prayers, he will be fine.”

The two talked for a few more minutes, before he offered to buy her, and him, one of those juices. They drank it as they chatted a few more minutes, and before they parted, she prayed with him for guidance and faith. She continued back to her home, empowered with the faith and hope she needed, and he began his trip back to Atlanta, committed to give those people his best, while having faith that his prayers for finances would indeed be met.

Where then does hope lie for ex felons…ultimately it lies in God, but in every day life, is lies in those who have read this short story. It lies in you.

#66 Where does hope lie for ex felons (pt 2)

Nobody was giving him any attention.

He felt so bad that he decided to go buy a drink and a snack, hoping things might change when he got back. As he left his booth, he managed to listen to the assistants of the sales representatives near the drink machine:

“This turned out to be pretty good, we got 45 orders so far”

“Yeah, I sold 25 books and gave out like 50 business cards for these books”.

He felt sick and tossed his drink and snack in the garbage.

He didn’t understand what was going on. Those other prison book representatives did not make any speeches, yet more people flocked to them than his booth. People that never even went to prison was selling more books than a person that did 8 years in prison. Something was not right.

Dejected, he walked sadly back to his booth. On the way, a couple of women walked up to him.

“Excuse me sir,” spoke one.

“Yes ma’am” he answered

“I just wanted to say God bless you for taking the time to help us understand what prison is about. I came here praying to God for some insight and you blessed us all.”

“Thank you, that is what I came to do, or at least try”

“I remember reading so many of your posts on the prison site, and I was so disappointed when they banned you. You were the best writer on the site; I copy and print out all your posts and send it to my husband in prison.” said the other.

“I appreciate that, really” he said, with a small smile.

“I hope you are blessed for what you do for us. I hope you will be speaking tomorrow” said the first woman.

“Well, I have been asked to do that.”

“We’ll be there. You were certainly worth this trip and I am going home with so much more faith in helping my son” said the second as they both gave him a hug and went on their way.

He noticed that one of them had a book just purchased from the other booth…and felt rejected.

On his way back, he ran into a woman who asked him to give her his email address because she had some issues she needed to talk to him about. He boyfriend was having some difficulty dealing with prison and she wanted to know what she could do to help. He talked with her for a few moments, giving her some ideas before exchanging the email address. For a second he felt a little better in helping her, but the failure of his business loomed like a black cloud.

As he returned to his booth, he whispered inside himself:

“I am trusting that somebody buys some of my books. I came here in faith to not only help, but to BE helped. My Lord, is it wrong for me to expect something for helping if I have been looking for a turnaround in my life?

He was questioning where the blessing were that so many people promised him. So many emails and posts on his writings about “God bless you” but so little actually shown. He needed this trip to be successful, he prayed about it, he was determined to give these people his very best in hopes that if one sows, then one can also reap.

He was counting on these people being able to support him, just as he was willing to support them. But nothing was working.

Not one person came to buy a book from him. Several came to ask him questions, but often after that they would go to the salespersons of the other prison books and either order or buy a book. Each time one did that was like a knife in his heart. Why were these people ignoring him, but freely giving support to a book where the author didn’t even bother to speak to them?

By 4:30 pm he had lost faith in the day…he had failed. He came 8 hours on a borrowed car, working extra hours to pay for this trip and over produced his books on the expectation that this was the turn he needed…and it was a big flop. With the 2-day convention ending in about a half hour, he figured to not only pack it up for today…but to go home.

As he took down his booth, depressed almost to tears, one of the administrators came to his booth:

“Everybody is talking about your speech, you were incredible” she said.

“yeah…thanks”

“I am so glad I asked you to come speak to us. Lots of people told me this will be the talk of the prison support site. They can’t wait to hear you tomorrow”.

“yeah…”

“You ok? You seem kinda distant?” she asked.

“I…I’m fine. Probably worn out for talking so much” he said as he forced a smile.

“I don’t blame you. Just wanted to say God bless you for taking the time to explain some things about prison to us. We really appreciate it.”

“Thanks…” he said as he continued to pack his unsold books.

“Well, I can’t wait to hear you again tomorrow, take care ok” she said as she moved from his booth to the next, making her rounds with the business booths.

He sadly continued his packing and started taking the first of 3 boxes of his books to the car. He came with 70 books…he was leaving with 70. In between packing he was stopped by a prison ministry member.

“Hey, I really appreciate what you did today. There ain’t a lot of guys that talk about prison like you do.”

“Yeah, thanks” he said.

“I mean it. I have a prison ministry in Tennessee and we have been ministering to inmates in prisons all over the state. But it is so hard to get the inside word on what guys go through. What you shared today opened a lot of understanding for me.”

“Thanks sir”

“The Lord’s gonna bless you man, you have been a blessing to a lot of people today.”

“I…hope so.”

“Hey, give me your email, I would like to contact you about writing some posts for our prison ministry site.” he said as he pulled out a business card…

Of one of the prison book booths across from his…

It took a lot of strength for him to give this pastor his email address on the back of the prison book card, all the more reason for him to just finish packing and go home. The two men chatted a few more moments before the pastor went his way, leaving him alone again.

He quickly finished moving his books and while fighting either tears or anger, decided that there is no need to be here tomorrow…nobody cares about him. As long as he was giving free information, he was the apple of the audience’s eye. But he needed this to be a pivotal point to his change in life, he needed to see that if given support, he could help others while making a living for himself. He needed to see this happen, and it did not.

He had failed miserably.

He got in the car, realizing he had not eaten all day, but still not hungry. It would be 8 hours back home, and would probably feel like 8 days. He drove away from the convention center, waiving at several people who acknowledged him by his speech earlier. A couple told him they can’t wait to hear him tomorrow…not knowing that he was not coming back.

It was about 9pm as he pulled into a rest stop off the highway to take a break. He was hungry as he dug in his pockets for loose change and went into the refreshment area. He wasn’t broke but now he was starting to realize that with no sales, he was now going to fall behind in a bill or two, and was going to play catch up for the next couple of months. He was counting on this to work, and was now faced with this terrible failure.

The rest area parkway wasn’t too busy in the nightfall of the cool evening as he came back to the car and sat down with a soda and bag of chips. He turned to the steering wheel with the car door opened…and leaned forward and cried.

“What did I do wrong?” he asked quietly with tears flowing from his eyes.

He dropped his snacks and covered his head over the steering wheel, finally faced with this most dreadful failure. He believed so much that if he could make good, to help others and believe in God, then things would get better. They HAD to, they just HAD to. But now, halfway home, he now realized that these people who claim to be prison support members were nothing but opportunists…looking for some fool to spill their guts for them for free. And he was stupid enough to do it.

“My God, I could not sell ONE book. Not ONE. I prayed to be able to do something that helps people, I prayed to find a business where I could use my talents to help others and make some money, and I did everything I could think of to believe that things would get better.” he whispered through tears.

He was now a broken man, broken in that car in the night, all alone. His dreams of making a difference had come to a crashing end, as he was faced with the reality that people do not support ex felons except by word only. Further, it was clear that a business can cater to prison support members with no real interest except making money, and those same people will flock to them. But a person who has experienced prison can talk for almost 2 hours, answer every question asked but in the end, those same people would not trust him with a single dollar, while spending many dollars with other businesses that may not even care about the welfare of inmates in prison.

“What’s the point of doing right? What’s the point of having faith? What’s the point of trusting when I am going to be rejected for being an ex felon? I stayed in faith when I was continually banned and kicked out of all those prison support sites. I stayed in faith when people make negative remarks on my own sites. I stayed in faith when people promised to support me, but only gave me lip service. I hung in there because I believed that things were going to change for the better. But nothing has changed and these people are as hypocritical as everybody else. They don’t care about me at all, they only care about what they can get OUT of me.”

What had started out as a day full of hope had turned into a horrible day of disappointment and failure. He realized that he would not come home with a million dollars, but he truly hoped to sell enough to get an idea that somebody was willing to support his writings. He needed SOMEBODY to encourage him just as much as he had spent answering emails, writing posts and answering questions at the convention. But it all boiled down to nothing. He gave himself hoping for results, and got nothing in return.

He was a failure…again. After all he had hoped, after all he had prayed for, after all he tried to do, in the end he realized that he is not trusted any more than any other ex felon. For all he had done or tried to do, even after serving his debt and paying his debt to society… he is no better than the second he stepped out of the prison.

Apparently no one cares about ex felons.

“Sir?” said an unknown voice.

He was shocked out of his seat as an older woman stood near . She had somehow pulled up near him without him noticing. She looked old enough to be his mother. He quickly tried to recover, wiping his face and eyes.

“Yes?”

“You ok son?” asked the woman.

“It…it’s been a long day…” he said as he searched for his chips.

“Yeah, we all get them from time to time.” said the lady.

“I guess“ He answered.

“You feel like talking about it…you look like a decent guy, not somebody that would cause a lot of trouble.”

“Well, I…I’m ok. Honest.”

“Well, I know we may not know each other, but I just don’t feel right leaving a person who seems to be really stressed out. I…I wish I could have done the same for my son.”

“Your son?” he asked

“Well, I won’t bore you with my life. It’s just that seeing you there crying reminded me of what my son in prison might be doing. Him crying and me not being there to help him.”

“Your son is in prison?”

“Yeah, something stupid, but he admits that and I don’t hold nothing against him. He’s my son and my only son. It’s just that I have no idea what he is going through, and I just don’t have the money to help him the way he needs.”

“Why would he need money?” he asked, now interested in her plight.

“Well, not that he really needs it, but it is frustrating that I don’t have it to give to him. I can’t do a lot of things for him, but a mother ought to still be able to look after her baby, even if he is in prison. And well, just seeing you there, you’re about his age too, and I worried that he might be doing the same thing in prison.”

“It is possible that he could be, but lots of times those guys find a way to make it through”

The lady looked at him with a strange look.

“How would you know? You don’t look like you’ve ever seen a prison.” she asked.

“Well ma’am, looks like I have the surprise on you. I actually have been in prison.”

“Oh my Lord… how long were you in?”

“Eight years. Got out four years ago.”

“I bet you would have been a help at the prison support convention they had in Atlanta today.” she said.

“Really” he said, almost sarcastically.

“Sure. I visit a prison support site online and they have been talking about it for the last month or two. I really wanted to go but I just can’t afford it. I know I’m only about 4 hours away from Atlanta, but it was just out of my finances. I really wanted to go, they said all kinds of people would be there, and one of the best writers on prison issues was gonna be there speaking.”

“Who?”

“You might not know him, but he goes by the pen name Faithone99. I think I read everything he wrote until they banned him for just mentioning his prison book. I think that was very wrong to kick out someone who gave us far more help than anyone else there.”

There was a warm comfort he had, hearing that he indeed was appreciated and respected, but it was also a cruel reminder that neither respect nor appreciation pays bills, and was again reminded of his failure today. Yet, the woman seemed most sincere.

“Yeah, sometimes the hardest thing for an ex felon to do is get his life back…when most people won’t let him.” he said

(to be continued)