Wednesday, March 17, 2010

#97 Adjusting after prison

Adjusting after prison

Hi there all, I am in the middle of answer several emails today and wanted to blog on this issue on parole officers and adjusting after prison. This is based on a message I got late last night so I figured I will take a shot at this.

My thanks to a few that emailed me and asked about my blogs, at this point I am nearing 100 entries, but if you have been following me the last few years, you know that the REAL number is well over 500. That’s why I share what I call “retro” or “archive” blogs, to bring back some of the ones I wrote a year, two years, or even 5+ years ago.

So let’s jump right into this one, and remember, if you want to email me, feel free to do so. I got an interesting email from a mother who asked if I could take her as a “client” to help her get through with her son doing 20 years…she had been reading a few of my blogs and wanted to know what she needed to do to kinda have me as a personal coach and supporter to help her keep her son encouraged. Never really saw myself that way, but in truth, it seems to be what I do.

Ok, a loved one is due out this year, has been in prison for about 4 years. The person said the parole officer came by to give her the basic rules, of what he can and can’t do. The person wants to help her loved one, but does not want to smother him. Doesn’t want anything to go wrong since he is getting out 8 months early. What do you do?

As we all know, there are a thousand answers to every question, so I will not try to say to you that I know it all, but if a person takes the time to email me, I try my best to answer. So this is what I say”

First, set a mental list of the highest priorities and see where your issue stands. What we know is that 1) loved one is due out soon, 2) parole officer has given the boundaries of his release, 3) don’t want to smother him because 4) he is getting out 8 months early.

By the time he gets out, he would have done about 4 years, so we know he has been down awhile. What is the MOST important thing? To me, it is that he gets out of prison…and hopefully stays out. These two go together, and because they do, the highest priority has to stand with what the parole officer says.

Lots of times we think of parole and probation officers as people looking to find fault in a person so they can get thrown back in jail…well, sometimes that is true, but not always. When I got out in 2001, I had three different probation officers, one each year, and they were very nice to me. I think it helped that I did everything I could to do what they told me, but that is the give and take of the situation.

If the parole officer has set the rules, it is up to the ex felon to obey them. If he says you are due to have a urine test every week, then don’t get upset with that…it’s the rule! The moment the ex felon starts to get upset with it shows that he is not ready to take instruction or follow the rules. It is critical that the ex felon does his best to show that he is doing everything he can to comply with the rules. Further, he should do it with a positive mentality. If you want to make a strong impression with a parole officer, see what happens if you do what you can with a positive attitude. Even if things don’t quite go so well, that parole officer will know in his or her heart that you did your best.

I went through that myself when at the end of my probation period after prison. I owed about 10 thousand dollars and while I truly thought I could easily pay that when I got out, I found out that life for an ex felon can be miserably hard. I lost jobs because of my background, and it was virtually impossible to make any payments. At the end of my 3 year probation, my probation officer had no choice but to serve me papers of my failure to pay. He really didn’t want to, he saw I was trying and there was no other flaw on me except that I was broke, but it was part of my probation condition.

I shared this story several times, as to how I got a miracle and got it paid, but I still had to go to court since the papers were served. Technically the judge could still send me back to prison since I violated the terms, but in the end, he set me free. The probation officer came to me after it was over and said, “I am so happy for you, I didn’t want to see you go back to prison”. He spoke well of me during the case and said that he saw no problems nor had any with me in the time of my probation. It would appear he was at least impressed that I at least tried.

So I urge to you that the highest priority has to be in understanding and living with the rules and guidelines of that parole officer. This means making every effort to keep that officer informed when they ask info from you, or make home visits or ask you to come visit them. I had to walk downtown each time we had out appointment, and I was never late. I did my best to make sure that I was trying, even though everything was falling flat around my feet. I don’t think parole or probation officers like to use the hammer of doom on anyone that is struggling, but if an ex felon gets an attitude with “the man” then it can kinda show them up. It is important to maintain a healthy relationship with the officer, since he or she does hold your freedom in their hand.

That is the highest priority. Compliance with the parole officer. If that is put first, then all the other things will work itself out. You won’t have to worry about him going back to prison if he understands completely what the parole officer expects of him. In fact, this is a good thing to start putting in practice now, to get him mentally prepared for that transition. The problem here is two things…one, some inmates have authority problems with parole officers because they remind them too much of some of the bad prison officers, and two, sometimes the loved one on the outside worries about pushing him too hard.

If neither problem is solved, then he cannot succeed outside of prison. Nobody is saying he has to become a servant of the parole officer, or kneel down every time he or she comes by, we are saying to respect the position and the rules that allow you to have early freedom. Lots of guys in prison get out and see authority figures like policemen, and parole and probation officers as the problem, when it was a bad mentality set in their minds by how prisons treated them. He has to beat that mentality if he is going to give himself a chance to get his life back… and to find success in that life.

But what this also means is that you have to fight that mentality too. If you are worried about pushing him to far, talk to him about it. Ask him questions about how he feels, and see if there are solutions to how he feels. Folks, if you do nothing, you create no venues for him to stay on course. I realize the balance here is that you don’t want to be talking to him about his parole every other day…heck, I’d get worn down with that too if it was me. But it helps if you know the rules, so you can see how he is doing .

For example, if your loved one isn’t supposed to have alcohol in the house, then don’t throw a block party! If he does have the craving for one beer…work with him over that. You notice I didn’t say to discourage him from it, I said work with him. Talk to him about whether this is a good idea, and what IF the second he starts to drink, that parole officer comes by for that one weekly visit? Don’t laugh…it happens more than you know.

A lot of this is dependent on how much you know your loved one, but start the open communication now, before he gets out. But do this as well, in any communication, keep it light and positive. Remember, most ex felons are already beaten down, and have lived in negativity for years at a time. Its ok to talk about rules as long as it is constructive and positive. That way he knows you are not smothering him, you are just loving him.

Anyway, I better go, I have been writing emails and blogs for about 2 hrs, I better take a break. Be sure to email me if you wanna, you know the email. Until then….

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