#84 Prison and perspectives (retro)

Prison and Perspectives

Hope you guys are doing well today, all things considered.

Today at about 2pm I am going to check out the UEFA Soccer games, which is supposed to be on ESPN2. Many of you know that I am a huge sports fan, but I rarely watch soccer as much as the larger sports.

That is not to say that I don’t watch it, because I do. Often times during the day the Fox Soccer channel has something going on, and I like to sit and watch a little of that. But this matchup today is supposed to be HUGE.

One of the guys on ESPN was talking to one of the soccer commentators about how big this game is. He asked him to put in perspectives that an American would understand.

He said that it would be the equivalent to our Superbowl and World Series rolled into one. He was being kind…it is FAR, FAR larger than that.

And I bet there are lots of Americans that won’t buy that…your loss. The fact of the matter is that this UEFA game may well have over a BILLION PEOPLE watching. No Superbowl we have ever seen has even come close…NONE.

We as Americans can’t understand something that we are not involved in. I remember watching the World Cup last year, or the year before last, and I really enjoyed it. I also realized that there were probably close to 2 BILLION people worldwide watching this as well.

This UEFA game is going to be BIG. But we as Americans don’t understand that so our perspective is less. It’s funny though, when it comes to MONEY we understand it. The Houston Rockets landed a goldmine by drafting Yao Ming, and even changed their jerseys to make it market-friendly to China. I like Yao Ming and I think he is easily one of the top 3 centers in the league. I also saw a documentary on his first year, and I can truly appreciate his work and him as a person.

And that is also great for China, but I think the Milwaukee Bucks tried to do the same thing not to get a great player, but to get more of China’s money. The Bucks had the 6th draft pick and chose to get a Chinese player that clearly did NOT want to play for the Bucks, and told them so long before the draft. There was a lot of press about Yi Jianlian before the draft and how he did not want to play in Milwaukee. But the team refused to give him up and because they drafted him, literally OWNED his rights for 3 years.

I won’t argue that Yi is not a great player, he is good, but I can’t believe anything else but the fact that the Bucks didn’t select him because he was a great player…they selected him so they can market his name to China and make millions. They even changed the color scheme of the Bucks to be market-friendly to China…when was the last time the Bucks had any RED in their uniform?

And all this worked, apparently. There was a game played between Houston and Milwaukee, in an apparently attempt to market the two Chinese players while the teams were in China…it was the most watched NBA game in history.

Why? Because it featured people from a country that far outnumbers us. I love basketball, and I hope Yi and Yao both win rings before they retire, but I was very disappointed in how Milwaukee used Yi to literally prostitute him to his own country. But the NBA saw the perspective of basketball in China because they also saw the money.

I say all that because the perspectives of the world is very different depending on where you come from. Americans don’t get soccer because our main sports are football, baseball, basketball, and racing, not in any particular order. We don’t appreciate other things because we are not as exposed to it to understand it. I love cycling too, but here in the US, that is not nearly as popular.

This is very similar to prison issues. Our perspectives can vary widely because it is something we are just not used to talking about, or we have been given stereotypes about how prisons are. There are perspectives of people who know nothing but the worst about prison, there are perspectives of those who are curious about prison, there are perspectives of those who have an “infatuation” for prison inmates, there are perspectives of those who have a loved one in prison and there are perspectives of those who have actually been in prison.

Each one is different, based on what that person believes, or have experienced. My prison blogs are obviously not for everybody, and I am sure thousands have scanned over one or two of my blogs and thought, “I ain’t reading nothing from no damn criminal”, and left my blog… GOOD.

But I know there are also many people who find my blogs and tell me, “I am so glad you are writing about prison issues, nobody talks about it like you do”. That makes me feel good when I share my blogs.

And for every perspective, there is an agenda. There is a reason why you are either interested in my blogs, or not. For example, the blog I wrote yesterday about the prison support site, and those who were in the strong extremity of negativity. These are the people that feel that every ex felon is a crook, and will always be one. Comments like, “what do you expect from an ex felon”, are very foolish because it assumes that every person who did time is like that.

From that perspective, the agenda is hate-filled. Some people just are not happy unless they can do something to make others miserable. It’s like that saying, “misery loves company”. It is sad that someone would take the effort in their day to say something so very negative, with no venues for understanding. But that is their perspective, and many won’t change from it.

Then there is the perspective of the “curious”. Not every person who reads my blogs has been in prison or have a loved one in prison. There are a lot of people who are sincerely interested in what prison is about, and what kind of inmates live there. This is the basis of why National Geographic has those prison shows; for the curious. Note that for anyone with a loved one in prison, there is no real support there, just drama that television likes to share with the masses.

A lot of people are curious about prison, and want to know more about what it is like to be in prison, what it is like to be an inmate, or what it is like to have the yoke of condemnation on them.. I get a few people that read my blogs that are like that, and there is certainly nothing wrong with it.

But there is also a form of curiosity that can be bad…in my opinion. There is also another perspective that is more about infatuation, almost a fetish, for inmates. This is one of the reasons I do not like Prison Talk, because there are a ton of people there that have a fetish about “their man” or “thugs” if you will.

Now don’t get me wrong, the variations of love come in many forms, but to me it is a problem when this is shown on a prison SUPPORT site. As I have argued before, the site, if it calls itself support, ought to have the foundation of that, not for some glass forum of “when was the last time you had sex with your man”, or “show us your man” or “would you have sex with your man in his cell” or foolish stuff like that.

This perspective seems to be based on some woman who is so sex-starved that you cannot possibly imagine that she is going to be faithful to her loved one while he is in prison. I mean, if she’s making post about sex with her man, and he is doing 10 years, or even 5 years, how faithful is she going to be to him?

Yet this is one of the largest perspectives on sites like that. More people are talking about fleshly desires with their “man” and there is little conversation about how to help him, or how to find hope or faith…

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not sitting here typing with a halo around my head folks, so don’t get this confused with a crusade for righteousness. I won’t argue that there is a time and place for stuff like that, if you are into that, but it does not define “prison support”. It seems to define “prison fetishes”.

Still, it is a perspective.

Then there is a perspective of those that are affected by prison, either personally or indirectly. This is where I fit in, as an ex felon, and where many people who have loved ones fit in. This group understands the basics of prison because they are in that realm. I understand it because I was there. A mom with a son in prison understands it because she has someone she cares about there. A wife or girlfriend understands it because someone they love is in prison and they are worried about them. A pen pal can understand if they have taken the time to befriend someone who is there.

And yet, even in this group there can be great differences. To me, prison issues should not just be about pity, it should be about understanding, and THEN making changes.

I think a lot of people miss that.

I have no problem sharing my experiences with you about how I felt and what I went through, but if you EVER read that thinking I am looking for your pity, you need to stop reading my blogs.

I never asked for your pity.

“Oh yeah? You keep asking people to send you money or buy your books!”

That isn’t pity, that is support.

If I spent my days writing pity for money, then I might say something like this:

“Well guys, it’s been another bad day. I can’t get a job because of my record and I have been wearing the same pair of underwear for 2 weeks. I wish I had some money to buy me some new clothes for a change, I saw some really cheap clothes that seem to be dated in the 70’s, but I’ll take anything now. I had a pretty decent dinner last Tuesday when I was lucky enough to scrap up enough pennies to buy a $1 burger at McDonalds. I sure wish I had more money so I can buy something to live on, it sure would be a blessing”

THAT is pity.

I never gave you that.

What I offer is my best writing and written products to those who need help in understanding how to cope with a loved one in prison, and how to find some faith. For THAT, I ask for any that believes me to support me either by a gift or to buy a book. It’s common sense that if I am going to dedicate this much time and effort, there must be support. I have never, ever emailed anyone asking them to send me money; and I am often cautious to ask people to never send me anything until they have read enough of my blogs to understand where I am coming from.

If you’ve only read a post or two, I don’t want anything from you because I don’t think you have read enough to have a sincere belief in me. I need the reader to believe that I am giving them my best, in as honest a form as possible, with no ties or allegiances to anyone. If you have read most of my blogs, then you already know what I am about.

So don’t fool yourself in thinking I am writing for your pity. But many people put a lot of stock in pity on many sites, which again proves the saying, “misery loves company”.

You see, you can have 1000 people come together thinking it is about support, when it actually is a misery support. If you feel bad and miserable, you want to find others that feel just as bad, or worse than you, so you don’t have to feel alone in being miserable.

Folks, that is NOT prison support.

And you read it all the time:

“I feel so bad, I just don’t know what to do”

“I feel terrible, I just don’t know what to do”

“I lost my son to prison, I don’t know what to do”

“My husband went to prison and I don’t know what to do”

And what responses do you usually get from it?

“Hi and welcome to PTO” or “I am so sorry to hear about your problem”

And after that, there is little to no follow up to help that person, so the group of miserable people swells to hundreds, then thousands…all of them feeling miserable, but comfortable that they are amongst “friends”.

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

But this is their perspective, this is what they believe. You see, I have no problem with someone feeling pity…I’ve been there and you have too. But pity to me is a burden, and I want if OFF my back…and I’d imagine you do too.

Once you get into a realm of support and share your pity or problem, there must then be actions to destroy that pity or problem. This comes with understanding of the problem, which in prison support genres means understanding of prison. I said before on another blog that most fears in prison are based on the person not knowing anything about prison. They are hostage to stereotypes that say that every person that drops a bar of soap will get raped, or every inmate has a healthy meal of bread and water, or that they all wear those black and white striped uniforms in barred cells while some guy in the corner is playing a harmonica.

Folks this is 2008, not 1908.

With understanding you can begin to tear down some of the fears and begin to empower yourself with information that can help you overcome fear and pity. And if that means me sharing parts of my times in prison to get you to see that, then that is what I have to do. Trust me folks, I got over the difficult times in prison, so it is not about getting your pity.

I share what I do because I would hope that it helps you to see that if you have a loved one in prison, he or she can make it too…that is FAITH.

And if you can start to grow some of that in you, you then can see how you might be able to change a very difficult situation to a more favorable one. This, unfortunately is where over 99% of people will fail.

We just don’t believe that things can get better…or we won’t acknowledge it.

I think I am living proof that it can get better, and I have read even greater stories than mine. I remember reading an article in a ministry magazine about a guy that was supposed to do life in prison, but turned his life around, used faith and got out much sooner, and even started his own prison ministry. He spent years in prison working on his faith, and having setbacks, but he eventually got out on nothing less than a miracle.

It CAN happen. But it won’t happen for most people because we are conditioned to see the perspectives of the masses. And those who even talk about such stuff would be seen as fools and delusional. But if you believe in God, why can’t it happen? Why can’t miracles happen? Why does every inmate HAVE to be subject to all the hells of prison in and out?

As I said, most people will never see that because they are too comfortable with the company of misery they keep. If I broke my leg and just took some Tylenol to try to buffer the pain, would I be solving the problem? No. Sooner or later (preferable SOONER) I need to get to the hospital to get some professional help.

Why should prison issues be any different? You are looking for help because you have nowhere to turn. Fine, there are many sites that you can visit and share your problems. But after that, what will you do then to try to solve it or find a resolution? Most people never really do that because they find a comfort zone in the company of other people who feel just as bad as you do.

Even prayer circles can be problematic. If you don’t have any faith to believe in a solution, then 1000 people in a prayer circle won’t do a bit of good for you, because you are actually rejecting the blessing.

Get this, if you emailed me and asked for my opinion on a situation, then you are putting FAITH in me being able to help you. But if I gave you my opinion on what to do, and you refused it, then you are rejecting any help. Sure, the action of you contacting me SEEMS like an act of faith, but it was more an act of desperation. Being desperate and being faithful are complete opposites.

Case in point: A few years ago while writing for Prison Talk, a lady emails me about problems she had with her boyfriend in prison. She said she found out he was cheating on her, and was only using her to get what he wanted. She said that he even admitted so, and she wanted to go visit him and tell him off and break up with him.

I thought this was a very bad idea, because he has abused your love, then you have no reason to go see him at all. Drop that jerk like a hot rock (I didn’t say that, but you know what I mean).

She asked my opinion on what to do, and my advice was to leave him be and not worry about him ever again. She took the time to email me, so she clearly wanted help, but was it in faith or desperation?

Well, apparently she rejected my opinion and went to confront him during the visit. She emailed me later about it so what I am sharing is what happened from her accounts, not what I THINK happened:

She told me she had to go to the hospital because during that visit, when she tried to talk to him and tell him about himself, he slapped her and did some damage to her jaw. I’m not talking about those light little slaps you see on your soap operas. It obviously was very hard and damaging for her to have to go see her dentist.

She told me that I was right and that she should have listened to me, because he didn’t care at all for her. She said she would be pressing assault charges on him and that even before it came to that, some of the officers told her that she should not be seeing or dealing with him.

The signs were all there, the advice was there, but it was all rejected.

I felt terrible for her, and there was no time to be saying the “I told you so”. But it showed me that often times we just don’t want to accept advice, we just want to hear it.

But she believed in her perspective, and was unmovable until things fell apart.

Most of society will never believe anything I write about, and even amongst similar circles I have been rejected, because we have different perspectives about prison. But to me, prison support should be about helping AND finding solutions. It should be about building faith and hope, and empowering that person to help someone they love in prison. If these things are done, or at least attempted, I believe there can be people saved in prison that will come out and be much better than when they went in. Maybe I am a fool for believing that, because to some people they think all cons are always cons. Other don’t care about changing inmates, they just want their “man” back.

But I have to believe there are people that really want to help someone in prison, and to do that you have to understand what prison is about, and why prison issues are discussed here. If you can do that, you can change things.

If of course, that is your perspective.

Anyway, I gotta run, that soccer game starts in an hour, so email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com to ask how you can support my writings, or ask about my books or make a nice comment on any of my 7 blogs.