#181 Finding God in prison (retro)

Finding God in prison

Interesting topic for tonight, considering I am watching a bowl game on ESPN, but I figured this might be worth talking about.

Before I begin, I want to thank those of you who are supporting my blogs by sending a gift, I want you to understand that whether it was $5 or $300, it truly, truly helps me to be able to focus more on what I can write about, and possibly maybe offer some free offers to some of you in the future. Those of you that have been reading my blogs for a couple of years know that I do have a few free offers as I can afford.

It sounds materialistic to some of you, but I say that to the ones that would never send me a penny anyway, but would be the first to ask for something free if I offered it. It is a strong influence on me to know that what I am doing here is being recognized by people enough to say “I want to help him”. It takes a great person to do that, or people since some of those who support me are actual organizations like church ministries and other groups.

It is my desire to do more for you, like writing even more blogs, sharing more of my journals as well as creating more prison encouragement certificates, writing more prison books and more prison cards. Nobody has ever received everything I have made, and even with that, I want to make so much more. These things are possible because readers like you read my blogs, share them with others and support me with gifts. I truly, truly appreciate that.

Now, let’s talk about something that many of you may wonder about…can inmates “find” God in prison?

Yep. Next question….

See how easy that was to answer? There is no great mystery of whether a person in jail or prison can “find” God. But I guess we can get into a little more detail on this subject.

I actually got the idea from one of my wonderful readers, as she was telling me about how she was going somewhere and just got that “voice” in her spirit that said, “Why don’t you spend more time with Me?”

I thought about what she said, and kinda tried to check myself to see if I was in the same situation. I mean, we are all like that with God, we don’t spend as much time as we should. But think about this, how would an inmate, a condemned person in society’s eyes, find God?

This is very interesting because the first thing a lot of you might say is that inmates never knew God…otherwise they’d never break the law…

Uh…I can debate that strongly on MANY counts, but not now…

But there is a myth that all inmates never bother to get to know God until their life is totally turned upside down…only then do they seek God for help and deliverance. That isn’t always true folks, but I could just as quickly counter by saying that it isn’t just inmates, it is ANYBODY.

How many of you ran to church after 911? How many prayed to God after Hurricane Katrina? See folks, it’s not just inmates who run to God when life gets turned over…it’s all of us.

Personally, I was going to church LONG before I ever got in any trouble with the law. And almost before I knew it, there I was, in jail. I am not saying it happened in a flash, but I am saying life often times changes very fast, and sometimes you know little about it until it happens.

But there I was, in jail, in the worst times of my life. I told you guys that I attempted suicide more than once in there, because I just saw no need to keep living. But here is the irony, some of those same months spent in that jail cell were some of the closest times I have ever been to God.

What do I mean by that?

Yes there were many days I felt tormented, but during those almost 17 months in that cell, I spent a LOT of time praying, reading scriptures and anything I could do to keep some faith. I was receiving books, booklets, letters and magazines from numerous ministries, and I read each one of them multiple times. It was all I could do to keep from going into absolute panic.

But there were times that I felt so much…at peace that it was a very comfortable place to be. Now remember, I am an inmate, first time every being arrested for anything in my life, looking at doing time. I had lost everything I every dreamt I could do, and had nothing to live for. But there were times in that cell where I just felt that everything was going to be ok.

I had no proof of that, none at all. But it seemed that when I took the time to focus on scriptures and pray, it just seemed like I was in God’s arms.

Now, some of you might scoff at me and laugh, because you don’t really believe that, well, that’s fine, but I don’t take the time to lie to you for entertainment. I truly believe when we take the time to spend with God, there is a peace that surpasses anything we can fear.

There were times in that cell that I would read scriptures and then just think on them, wondering what God meant by this or that, and how it applies to me. I would read numerous booklets on faith, and put them close to my heart. Some of those booklets I read over a dozen times. I spent a lot of time reading the Bible, and writing out my thoughts of faith. There were many times I spent in that cell knowing that God was right there…in that room. There were times I just knew I would be ok.

But that wasn’t every day. I might go for weeks feeling faithful but in a day or two I get worn down and feel full of panic. In fact, it was about this time, during Christmas, while in jail, that I attempted suicide…again.

But later that day, we went outside, and I felt as terrible as a human being could feel…but other inmates were there and a few guys had the courage to say, “Merry Christmas” to one another. Somehow, they had the strength to say what I could not, and it touched me. The rest of that day wasn’t so bad, but I managed to get through it. I have to believe God understood how I felt, and was not about to let me slip and give up.

I fell again when I finally got sent to prison, but anyone who knew me was greatly surprised that I got as little time as some feared…even my lawyer was floored. I was praying to be cleared and have my honor restored, but I had a very long spiritual battle about whether to pray for that and believe in that, or to take the stand to help guys in prison. Something deep inside of me was telling me that sometimes to help people, you got to be where they are, and parts of me wanted to serve God by helping some of those guys in prison. But every cell of my body did not want that, I wanted to go home.

That segment alone is worth a very long blog, so I won’t get into that. But as it turned out, it seemed that there was a compromise. I went to prison, but not doing nearly as much time as some would have thought. The actual conditions for that to come about lead me to believe now that God had a hand in it all for my good.

But I could not have seen that the day I went to prison, and any of you that have read my first book “Grades of Honor” would know that. I thought God gave up on me, and tossed me away, and I strongly resented that. So the first part of my incarceration had little to nothing to do with God (although there is some irony there).

But as I settled down, it was almost like my heart, or sprit, wanted to seek God. Why bother, I mean, didn’t He ignore my prayers? That is what I perhaps thought at that time, and in fact, I was doing quite well in prison. No fights, no arguments with anybody, in fact a lot of the other guys liked me. Had a great cellmate, had a good job and doing my time well. Had money from mom, got the Christmas Package and a package from the Salvation Army (God bless those people), and was trading some of my Pentel pens for canteen. Everything was going great. So why bother going back to God? I got all these things by refusing God.

But maybe my spirit knew that I got those things BECAUSE of God. In spite of my anger against Him, He still took care of me in a way that could only be described as exceedingly lovingly. And maybe because of it, I melted a bit to consider going back to God.

Now note, the Bible says that we didn’t choose God, He chose us long before we were born, so I would have to believe He knew exactly what I would do, and would be waiting for me.

At the time I was in prison, at Pasquotank Correctional, after my prison life seemed so easy, I thought, “why not give God a second chance”. Now, I know that is foolish talk, but that is what I believed. Things were going really well in prison, and I could have easily done my time like that. But the thoughts came, “why bother going back to God? He didn’t save you when you asked, did He? And now, you got everything going so well here in prison, why bother to let Him back in?”

Folks, these are some of the things that went through my head and heart. But my spirit would not let me ignore God, so very slowly, I started going back. And it may have been because I was writing poems, questioning the love of God. I have actually shared a couple on my blogs, but I wrote many more. Maybe without knowing it, I was seeking God in my writing.

But in any case, in time I started going back to God. I spent time reading a couple of scriptures, and every now and then I got a faith magazine from one of the ministries. And from then on, it seemed that I continued to do that. I cannot remember if I ever turned against God again during my incarceration, although there were many tests. I truly hope to share those in my “Grades of Honor” books.

But you can see that inmates can indeed find time for God, although the actual timing of it is different from you. I mean, right now, many of you can go to your bedroom or somewhere private and pray. In prison, it isn’t that easy. When I was in Pasquotank, I had the advantage of a double cell room, so I could sit on my bunk and read scriptures if I wanted to, with no disturbance. I could have easily done my time there…

But get this, almost as soon as I started trying to get comfortable with God, as I did in jail, I got “promoted” to minimum custody… and that is where a LOT of mess happened. Life in prison got a lot harder and a lot more unfair…and I wonder if God knew I would be able to handle it, because He knew me better than I knew me.

Even in those times, finding God was possible, but a bit harder. With dormitory living, you were in a room with 40-60 other inmates, it is hard to concentrate with that much humanity. But I found time to read scriptures at night, just before lights out. It was all I could do, but it seemed where I “found” God.

Not that He was lost, but it was the only place I could look to God for help and understanding. It would also be where I could write my journals, and “talk” to God about how I felt about a number of things. And I think that is got easier for me the more I put some trust in God. Remember folks, I don’t have a halo around my head, so don’t get mixed up in that. But I do believe that God is not just out there looking for perfect people, He is looking for those whose heart is perfect towards Him. And that could be any person, whether he or she is free or in prison.

I have no doubt in my mind that God is in prison, helping people who have fallen and need a shoulder to lean on. But I also believe God works through people, so in every prison there are a few people that God has chosen to be a light in a dark place. God does not give up on human beings like we do. So there are inmates in prison right now that need a pick up, guys that need to see a good hearted man or woman in the prison.

Do you understand what I am saying there about “good hearted”. In men and women’s prisons, there must be good hearted people. And most times, we assume that means a church ministry that goes to visit them once a week or a couple times a month. We think that means people who send them a nice card or letter every once and a while. And that is fine, but that is not what I mean. I mean, there are, in every prison in this country, some good hearted people, that happen to be inmates.

Some of you will never, ever believe that.

If God loves us all, His eyes are in every prison just as much as it is in every church, because inmates pray too. And if God watches over us all, He also has placed people in places to help others. Prisons are no different, and I do believe that there are some good hearted people in prison that just happened to run into a sequence of bad events to result in them being in prison. I am not justifying that, I am saying that it can happen.

I was blessed to have known a lot of good guys in prison, and to also have been a good friend to others, but it could not have been possible without God looking over me… and them.

So if you ever wonder about whether your loved one can “find” God while in prison, the answer is easy, yes. Heck, I didn’t need to write 5 pages to say that, but I guess I did, to kinda give you some ideas of what I went through.

Anyway, I better go. Again, thanks to those who support my blogs, and those who have purchased my books, certificates and cards. Email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com to ask me about that, or how to support my works, or to ask questions about prison.