#201 Faith for a felon or ex felon (retro)

Faith for a felon or ex felon

Well, today will start off a little rough…I notice there are no sodas in the refrigerator…

(smile)

I had a bunch of emails today, and will take time to go through them, some I have already gone through. I mentioned to some of you that Embarq has changed up their format, and it really SUCKS when you are writing emails. It is so slow to generate the characters that it can throw you off. But I will try to bear with it, hoping they realize how problematic it is and fix it.

Also, thanks to those of you who support my blogs by sending me support. I cannot say how much it means and how much it encourages me to continue to not only blog, but to give you my best effort. I don’t know if it’s me, but when I write, I am not satisfied in a paragraph or even a page. If I didn’t give you my best effort, I consider it a failure.

And when I started blogging, I got a lot of emails from people who loved my blogs, but wanted me to shorten my posts. They said that the average reader wants his or her information condensed to almost “Cliff Notes” style. I thought about that, but then reasoned that those kinda people don’t NEED my blogs, they just want to be entertained. I am not writing for THEM.

I am writing for those with loved ones in prison, or those who have done time. And for that reason, I want to give them my best effort…which is why I write so much.

So again, my thanks to those who support my blogs, my sincere thanks whether you sent me $5 or $150, it truly helps. My thanks to those who bought one prison card or a dozen. It has been a great help.

Now, let’s talk about faith.

Today I was thinking of how to explain what faith might be to an ex felon, or a person in prison, or even to you, who have a loved one in prison. What is it, and how can it be applied to an incarcerated or formerly incarcerated person?

For that matter, is it available to them?

This is something that most people fail from the beginning, because there is a humanistic belief that people who go to prison or have done time are not “allowed” to have faith…that is pure garbage.

I say again…that is garbage.

Faith is no respecter of persons, but it can have many different levels. My faith in, for example, getting a new computer, could be much lower than yours…or higher. Every person has a certain measure of faith, it is a matter of how it is applied or reinforced.

So let’s try to keep this in the realms of an ex felon or someone with a loved one in prison…what is faith to those people?

I blogged on this before, and what I mentioned then was that there actually are different definitions of “faith”. There is the carnal definition, and then there is the spiritual. In my Oxford American Dictionary, the word “faith” is defined as:

“A reliance or trust in a person or thing”

It implies that we would rely and put our trust in somebody or something. Two examples I can give you are my mom, and a dollar bill.

If I asked my mom for some money to buy some shoes, and she said yes, then I have faith that she will give me the money to do it…why? Because I trust my mom and I believe she will be able to do what she promised me she would.

We as Americans have faith in objects too, such as the dollar bill. Have you ever gone to a store here in the US and wondered if your dollar bill was good enough to be accepted? (I am talking about a real dollar bill, not mangled and torn). You never have to worry about that because in this country, that dollar bill is backed by the gold of the USA. We have near absolute faith that when we purchase something, the legal tender we give is going to be accepted.

Now, let me bend that for a second to make a point…if you went in Wal-Mart and purchased a new computer (see, I keep bringing up that computer) and paid for it with $500 American dollars, there is no problem. But try that with $500 of Monopoly money and see what happens….

Now, nobody would do that because we all know that it would not work… meaning we have no faith in that kind of money; we do not trust the reliance of Monopoly money outside of playing that game.

You see that faith in the carnal sense is based on the trust in a person or an object. But in both cases it was based on what we could understand with feelings. I can SEE my mom, therefore I could trust her. Even though you can’t see the gold in Fort Knox, you assume it is there. But when I say “faith” for ex felons and those with loved ones in prison, I am talking about spiritual faith.

Which means we have to define it another way…by the Bible.

According to the Bible, in Hebrews 11th chapter, first verse, it says:

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

You will notice that spiritual faith is different from carnal faith, because carnal faith relies on things we can see or touch. Spiritual faith is not based on that, it is based on things we hope for, and it is the PROOF of things we do not see.

It is an assurance that whatever you are hoping for, will happen.

Not MIGHT happen…but WILL happen.

But this faith is based on a source, as it must be, otherwise you are just wishing. Your faith as an ex felon or a person with a loved one in prison has to be based on your belief in God to do what you are hoping for.

“Well…I don’t know about that…”

Well, then you don’t have faith in God for your situation. Period.

As an ex felon, I had to believe that God was not only able to help me, but very WILLING to help me. I don’t understand how we try to teach people that God is some vengeful and wrathful being out there, ready to thrown lightning bolts on anybody that dare make a mistake, and sits up there with His arms folded when we ask for help.

Who told you God was like that?

Guys in prison can feel like God is 400 trillion light years away from them because they are “flawed”. Yes there are people in prison who screwed up, but a lot of those guys are trying to make things right. A lot of those guys and women are asking for a second chance so they can help others. A lot of those people made a mistake…how many of YOU never made one?

One of the first steps in getting faith for an ex felon or a person with a loved one in prison is to first get a real idea of what God is to us. When you get a real idea of what God wants for you, not what MAN thinks about you, then you should get an idea of what God wants to do for you.

This part right here, is where most people (including myself) can slip. It is all too easy to think that maybe God won’t hear or answer my prayers because after all, I am an ex felon. Many of you have a son, daughter, or boyfriend, or husband in prison right now, and you may feel that prayers to God for him or her might not really be heard because after all, they messed up.

So faith is already defeated in you because you don’t have a trust in the source, that being God. In short, we just don’t feel “worthy”. Remember my example of carnal faith in my mom? My trust in my mom was strongly based on the idea that I know my mom loves me. So if she said she would buy me a pair of shoes, or give me the money to do it, then I have faith in it because my trust in her is based in her love for me. My mom would not lie to me. If she can buy me a new pair of shoes, she will. If she cannot afford to, she would still be honest to tell me.

She loves me too much to lie to me.

Well, how about God?

As an ex felon, I wrestled for many months in a jail cell trying to figure out if God loves me enough to answer my prayer. This is critical when it comes to faith because if you don’t believe God loves inmates, then you may not have faith to believe God will hear your prayer for a loved one in prison. A lot of you are worried sick about the safety of your loved one in prison, and you’d like God to watch over them while they are in prison. Some of you are concerned about how an ex felon can get his life back, and even prosper, and you pray to God that He can help them.

This requires faith, which is the substance of what you are hoping for, and the evidence (proof) of something you cannot see now. But before that faith can work, you have to KNOW that God loves you. If you are under the belief that God does not love you, then you cannot possibly have faith to think God will help you.

The faith of a felon, or ex felon, or anyone with a loved one in prison, is strongly attached to how much you believe that God loves us. And the answer is often as simple as looking at yourself.

You are obviously reading this because you have a loved one in prison…notice what I said…LOVED ONE. That gives the implication that you care about this person deeply. Whether that person is your brother, son, boyfriend, husband, sister, wife, girlfriend, pen pal, class mate or whomever, it is obvious you care a lot about them. You can say that you…love them.

Now ask yourself this…is it possible for any person to love another person more than God loves them? Can you love your son more than God loves your son? Can you love your boyfriend more than God loves your boyfriend?

Now remember, this isn’t about what somebody else thinks. What somebody thinks about your loved one means nothing right now. We are talking about whether God, who so loved the world that He gave His only Son for us, if this same God who loves us unconditionally, loves your son, husband, boyfriend or whomever, LESS than you.

There was some comparisons given in the Bible about how much God loves us more than man. Jesus asked the people “how many of you, if your son asks for bread, would you give him a stone”. Now obviously the answer is that no father would do that to their son. But it proved the point when Jesus told them, “if you then, being evil (carnal) can do good things for the people you love, how much more can God do?”

When I was in jail those first 16 to 17 months, there was a very strong battle in me in that cell, trying to understand if God loved me, because if He didn’t, then I could not have faith for my prayers. I could not trust the source if I didn’t believe the source (God) really cared about me. But once I learned that He not only loved me, he REALLY loves me, then I had faith to believe that He could answer my prayers. That began the foundation of faith. I think a minister said once, “the foundation of faith is where God is known”.

I spent a lot of time reading scriptures, writing letters to ministries and receiving numerous faith-based magazines, books, booklets and the such. I was determined to do my best to try to learn more of God, because the more I knew of Him, the more I would know how much He loves me. And with that love grew the idea that my faith in Him would not be misplaced.

If you’re going to have faith in God, you have to take time to get to know Him. An inmate can do this just as easily as you can, just open up a Bible. I realize I am not talking to a congregation, and as you guys well know, I am not on the top 50 list of “most religious”, but I DO know what I have lived, and my faith in God got me through some of the worst days of my life…even when I thought I had fallen.

So my faith in God for the things I have prayed for is based on believing that God is there, and He loves me, and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. Many scriptures talk about how God will bless those who seek Him, and it’s not like it said, “and the Lord will bless those who seek him, except those who have done time”.

You realize how silly that sounds?

But yet this is what society tends to put on inmates and ex felons. There is a distorted belief that we are not loved by God, and there is no need to seek him. But this is not true at all. Here, let me show you:

Hebrews 11:6 says “But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him”

Psalms 34:4 says “I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears”

Psalms 72:12 says “For He shall deliver the needy when he crieth, the poor also, and him that hath no helper”

Psalms 145:18 says “The Lord is nigh unto all them that call upon Him, to all that call upon Him in truth”

Psalms 145:19 says, “He will fulfill the desire of them that fear Him, He will also hear their cry, and will save them.”

Jeremiah 33:3 says, “Call unto Me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not”.

Matthew 7:7-8 says, “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you. For EVERY ONE that asketh receiveth, and he that seeketh findeth, and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.”

I could share many more, but that last one ought to dispel the myth that God does not want ex felons “seeking Him”. The scritpure says, EVERY ONE. No exceptions. A man doing 30 years in prison has just as much a right to seek God as a child who has never done anything wrong.

This is where faith begins, when the felon can believe that God WANTS to help him, regardless of what he did wrong and his situation. Faith in God is the proof that the things you are hoping for can happen if you just believe. Now, this does not mean it will get fixed in a day, and it certainly does not mean you won’t be tested. The second you start believing that your loved one in prison will be ok is when the devil will try to plant thoughts in your head and try to make you abandon this spiritual faith and demand God for “proof”.

But that’s not faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen. You have to believe it even when there is nothing physical to give you proof. You have to believe because God said He would do it…if you have faith in Him.

Let’s say you are worried that your loved one in prison will have a very hard time getting his life together. He needs a job, he needs money, and with a criminal record, it may be hard to find good work. I know a lot about that, even as a guy with a college degree.

First off, do you believe God wants to help him? This is the first fight, because there will be the debate that “maybe the Lord is trying to teach him something by not giving him a job”. A lot of people think that to justify not getting a prayer answered, when this is the result of giving up on a prayer. Consider this folks, if YOU want that person to find a job and earn money, how much more would GOD want that same person to prosper? Come on, your desires for a loved one isn’t nearly as great as what God wants for that person.

So is it God’s will for a person to prosper? Of course! Especially if you took the time to pray to God about it. God wants to be able to bless anyone, free or bonded alike. But we limit him because of silly beliefs that prevent people from believing how much God loves us, and thus hamper our faith in Him to answer our prayers. If you are believing for a good job for a loved one in prison, this is a good thing, right?

Get into the Bible and find scriptures that support your belief, with the idea that the Bible is not just a historical book, but a LIVING Word from God. Everything written in there if for our use, not just for history class, but for today and tomorrow. The more you understand what God is saying about YOU, the more you are going to see that it is His will to bless us, if we allow Him to. And that includes that person in prison that you care about, because after all, God cares for him too.

Faith for me has certainly shown results, but I would be silly to say that it didn’t come without trials. You read my blogs, and know how I almost gave up on this writing several times. It was important that if I was going to commit this much time writing, that I would also ask God for some financial help. Yeah, I could work at McDonalds, but I believe God wanted more out of me (and your loved ones too). So I ended up writing 3 Grades of Honor Books, a Blog book, made about 50 or so prison cards and about as many prison encouragement certificates to support my writing. Between that, and the growing number of people who are supporting my blogs with gifts, I am starting to see things turn in a very good way.

Many times I had to believe it when I had no emails, many times I had to believe it when nobody was making comments. Many times I had to believe it when nobody asked for my books or asked how they could support me. It even had to be there when I was getting kicked out of prison sites like WriteAPrisoner, Prison Talk Online and others.

Faith in my writing was severely tested to the point where I sat in my bedroom at night wondering, “what’s the point? Nobody cares about some ex felon trying to do right, and when I try to share posts, I get attacked by members who don’t know anything about prison”. Believe me folks, there has been many a night where I just didn’t see the value of blogging on prison issues. But no matter how down I got, there was something inside me that encouraged me to keep writing. Even if that meant leaving for a couple of weeks and not blogging, eventually I came back and picked it up again. My faith in prison writing was encouraged by God apparently having some faith in me, and He would not give up on me and my writing.

And the results show from it. Many, many people have read my posts and blogs, and have shared them with others. I have also received a growing number of very kind people who see what I am trying to do, and they support me. One guy sent me $50 and told me to go out and enjoy taking my mom to a nice restaurant for a change. Another person said they didn’t care if I bought video games with it, just as long as I kept writing.

People are slowly understanding what I am trying to do, but it would never have happened if I didn’t have faith in God. But that faith came with the idea that God not only cared about me, He LOVES me, and really wants to help me.

No different for any inmate or ex felon, or any person with a loved one in prison. Do you understand what I am saying here? I could have easily written 20 pages on this, because I believe if people could get a hold on what faith really means to an ex felon, to an inmate or to someone with a loved one in prison, there would then be a great possibility to change some things around, instead of just living in fear.

We’ve got to break that hold on you folks, the hold of fear, the idea of depression and doubt with a loved one in prison, or even for one out of prison. Can things get better…sure. You have to believe it can.

Oh well, I have said too much, already 8 pages today. But I could have said so much more. Anyway, email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com to ask about my books or the free prison encouragement certificates, or how you can support my blogs. Or, just ask me to talk about a particular part of prison. I am here to help if I can.

#128 Grades of Honor Book One (retro)

Grades of Honor, Prison book One

It is just after 10:30 am as I start this but before I do…

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAKERS?????

My goodness, I was watching some of that game when the Lakers were up by 20 points, and I figured, “oh well, looks like the series will be tied”. Then I check on it again and see that it is cut down to 2 points, and I watched the rest.

Now many of you who know my old blogs know I am a Laker fan, since I used to live in Los Angeles, but this year I am kinda split. Yes, I am still a Laker fan, but I am a purist in sports too. I have always respected Kevin Garnett and how he plays with so much heart, and I really want to see him win a ring before his career ends.

And don’t get me wrong, I am a heavy Laker fan, but I am not a FANatic. Notice that the word “fan” comes from the word, “fanatical”, which leans on the extremities of pulling for a team. I love sports, but come on folks, it’s just a game.

Anyway, today there is a lot of smoke in my town. Raleigh, the capital of NC, has had (or as I understand it, HAVING) some forest fires and the smoke has been blown over 50 miles into our town…and it is pretty rough.

Just walking to the mailbox on the corner was difficult; I won’t be going outside today unless I really have to.

Anyway, I wanted to break down my books for some of you. A few of you have asked me about my books, and which I might advise you to purchase. Well, to me, each book covers a particular part in my incarceration, so maybe it’s best if I just explain some of that to you, and share a part from it.

We’ll start with my first book of Grades of Honor.

I know I said this before to some of you, but because I have over 100 blogs, some people don’t jump all the way back to read those blogs…I mean, we’re talking about 300 pages or more.

The title of the series is based on a play off the words “honor grade”. In NC prisons, this is another word for minimum custody, which is where I finished my sentence. It was there that I learned that in prison, there is a code of honor for each person, and for each person it is different…thus the gradations or “grades” of honor.

If you are interested in my books, then let me talk to you for a few minutes about book one. I wanted to start this project with the original idea of trying to cover my entire incarceration in a book or two, but I realized that I had far more info to share than I thought. I didn’t have some big-time publisher, and I needed to try to create some venue of revenue so I could continue to write. So I decided to write and publish it myself. Ironically, I was encouraged most by people of prison support sites; the irony in that is that they wanted me to write a book, but after I did, nobody wanted to give me the time of day when I talked about it…but they wanted me to keep sharing posts on the site.

Anyway, Grades of Honor, book one starts out the moment I was called from my county jail cell for transport. Technically, the incarceration didn’t start there; it started 17 months prior which is how much time I spent in that jail cell (other than the first 10 days).

Grades of Honor, book one, allows me to address the initial shock of going to prison, especially from the eyes of a first time felon. How does a guy who has never been to prison, or been in any legal trouble EVER deal with going to prison?

What I wanted to try to get across to the reader is the realism of not just what I saw, but what I felt deep inside. Lots of times I talk to you guys about being hopeful, being faithful and being positive…this story does NOT start that way at all. This was a point in my life where everything was dashed against the rocks. Lots of you have been in a situation where it looks like a total and complete failure. Lots of you have a loved one in prison and you feel that everything is over. It’s just so hard to see any sunshine when everything looks like you’re in the middle of a hurricane.

I know how you feel. I was there too.

Grades of Honor, book one covers my first 6 weeks in prison. Why is this important? Because in NC prisons, most inmates go to a “processing prison”, where the state extracts certain info about the inmate before classifying them to a more permanent prison. You see, most people think that as soon as the judge brings the gavel down, the inmate does like the famous line in Monopoly, “go directly to jail”.

Uh…doesn’t quite work like that.

Besides, there is a difference between “jail” and “prison” anyway.

When you first enter the DOC (Department of Corrections) an inmate has to be evaluated for classification. Lots of factors determine that, like your charge, the length of your sentence and many other things. This process can take anywhere from about 6 weeks to 8 weeks. Once the DOC determines where you will be sent, and as soon as bedspace is available, you will then be sent from the “processing prison” to your more permanent prison.

This is what my first book is about.

Grades of Honor, book one, allows me to share with you the sights, sounds, feelings and beliefs of an inmate in every way I can, and to share it as honestly as I can with the reader. I want to share with you some of the first words I wrote about this situation, which pinpoint my feelings at that moment in time. This comes from page 4 in my first book:

The following is from “Grades of Honor” book one:

Life temporarily ended for me that day I was called from my single cell in county jail. My heart jumped when from behind the steel door of my cell a female officer called to me and told me to start packing my belongings since I was about to be shipped. It was the end of my faith that some miracle could turn this situation around. My faith in a God that hears prayers ended, and shock shot through my body. I could not even answer the first time. The female officer had to call me a second time, to which I then answered. This was it; I was going to prison.
Up until then, I had spent close to 17 months in county jail, and for nearly every hour I fought internally for hope against hope that something, anything, might change this terrible situation to something I can shout for joy over. I will not go over the first year and a half here; maybe another time, because to me, the prison system begins here. I sat down on my bed in the small cell and felt numb all over. If there was a way I could kill myself at that moment and quickly, I may well have done it, and welcomed death far more than I would have welcomed this God I was praying to for so long.
I remembered from the other inmates that I had a chance to talk to from my tenure that it is best to carry nothing since you won’t be allowed to keep anything anyway. I was very fortunate that my mom was able to visit me very quickly before I was whisked away; I saw her fears and tears as we bid goodbye for the last time. I had to be strong here; my heart was ripped from me, as well as my faith, but I could not let mom see that in me. She told me once how it was strange that she was supposed to visit me to strengthen me, but it was the other way around. Because I would not let failure show to anyone else but me, I kept as positive as I could when around anyone else. In my cell alone, I could cry a million tears for me, my family and my pathetic life, and how it is so screwed up. But now, in front of mom, I had to keep it together. She would cry anyway, because I was leaving, but why make this harder than it has to be?

You really need to understand what I am trying to share here. It is easy to look in it and try to find convicting remarks…frankly you can keep that to yourself, I didn’t share this so some self-righteous idiot can try to tell me what they think I ought to know. This is my truest feeling of the first moments of knowing that you ARE going to prison. Not that you MIGHT…but that you ARE going…and you’re going NOW.

I tried my best to hold some amount of faith in the idea that maybe things could turn out for the better, that miracles can happen. I knew I wasn’t perfect, far from it, but I also knew that surely I can hope for some mercy. But at that moment, it all drained from me when the call came for me to start packing. This, in essence, is where Grades of Honor begins.

It goes further than maybe even I can imagine, since I’m just a guy writing stuff. I mean, how far are you willing to believe in God, even in the worst case scenario? Anybody can dance and rejoice when all is good, but where’s all that joy when you are in the midst of a terrible storm? Anybody can read my first book and point fingers at me and what I did wrong in my faith, but would YOU have done any different? Who knows?

It’s not a book to make me better than anybody, it’s just a chance for me to explain what prison is like and how it can affect a person. This first book of Grades of Honor is 77 pages long. It is likely to be the shortest of the series, other than maybe the time I spent in Guilford Correctional, but I have not gotten to that part yet. Remember, I was only here for 6 weeks, so it wasn’t like I could write 1000 pages on it. This was also the time before I started keeping journals, so I was going off memory on what happened. Some things stood out pretty well, some were vague. Still, I think there is plenty in the book for anyone to understand where I am coming from.

And if not, I also add what I call “pauses” to my story. If I am writing something in the main story and come across something that might need explanation, I will take a pause to explain it to you. Think of it like making a footnote or something like that. That way, I try not to lose anyone while I am talking about something. If I make a comment about canteen, I might take a “pause” to explain some things about that to you. To me, it helps the flow of the work better.

All my books are currently bound (a reader reminded me that the word “binded” is incorrect, I agree) at Staples and put in a nice cover before I sent it to the person who requests it. I always add a couple of other things, like maybe a prison card or two, or a prison encouragement certificate, or some other documents on prison issues. I think it is as attractive as I can make it with the resources I have. Some of you have my first book, and I am grateful for your support. The glue-binding is pretty much the same technique they use for printed books anyway, so it looks pretty good; better than stapling or punching holes.

Well, that gives you an idea about my first book. If you are interested, email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com and ask me about the prices or how to support my writing. I certainly appreciate any support I get. And while you’re doing that, let me know if there is something you want me to talk about. Remember, you’re not alone in your problems; if you have a particular problem, it is a sure bet that there are dozens, or hundreds of people that may be in a similar situation. So if I blog it out, I might help more people.

Oh well, gotta fly.

#79 If your son is in prison

If your son is in prison

Well, a slow day, after the promise of snow that we barely got. It’s kinda interesting because yesterday I had a friend tell me that we were expecting about 2-3 inches of snow, but the sources I was checking said that it would snow, but there would be more rain… meaning that the snow would not accumulate.

But one friend told me that he heard that we might get as much as 6 inches. It was important because he had to go to work early tomorrow, and didn’t know if he could. I told him that it could do that, but for it to snow and accumulate, it would have to be a very heavy snowstorm, because we had rain half the day.

Anyway, just before 1am, we were getting snow, so I went to bed thinking we will see a few inches in the morning… I woke up, looked outside and saw that there was evidence that it did indeed snow…but not much else. I think this is what the weather people would call a “trace”.

Anyway, checking my emails today, I had 2 emails from people who had been following my blogs lately, one asked me about inspirational things to say to an inmate, another had thanked me for some of the blogs I had written. I say again, if you are interested in contacting me, feel free to do so. It is always nice to get an email from a reader, and the more the better.

The topic today I won’t spend a lot of time on, because this could get really deep. I was reading some of the searches on my blog and one mentioned that they had a son in prison. What do you do, as a mom, if your son is in prison?

Folks, I can talk for 50 pages on this alone…but what I share I will leave to you to ask. There are just too many angles to talk about. People email me asking many things like”

“How can I help my son in prison?”

“How did you make it through your prison time?”

“What if my son gets in a fight while in prison?”

“What does the grievance procedure mean and how can it help my son?”

“My son is sick and they are not taking care of him, what do I do?”

“The prison terminated my visitation rights, what can I do?”

“What is prison food like?”

“How can my son get a transfer?”

“How can my son get to a prison closer to home?”

“How can my son get a classification change?”

“My son is in isolation, what can I do?”

“I am so worried for my son, what can I tell him to keep him encouraged?”

“How can my son get early parole?”

“How can my son get out by the minimum release date?”

“Does my son have to stay in prison for the maximum time?”

“How much does my son really need for canteen?”

“My son has not written to me in weeks, what can I do?”

“How can I prepare my son for life after prison?”

All these and many other question I get asked by people running across my blogs. People are worried for a loved one in prison, and in most cases, there are very few venues to find answers. It amazes me how, even in this Information Age that we live in, so little is known about prison life except the extremes. Its like society thinks that every prison in the country is some supermax prison where everybody is either stabbing, raping or fighting everybody else…where every inmate has 20 tattoos, and knows somebody named “Bubba”, and some guy named “Cookie” dishes out slop during the meals.

Come on, you can’t be THAT ignorant!

“Well, that’s all I have heard and seen on tv.”

If you feel that way, then you need to break that stigma. I am not here to tell you that prison is a great place to vacation, not at all. But what I am here to tell you is that if you have a loved one in prison, there are things you can do to help him and you. One of the first things you need to do is establish some contact with somebody who can talk to you.

Or, in case of the internet, somebody who can email you.

What’s interesting is that if there are 100 people reading this blog right now, and reading through crying eyes, at best ONE PERCENT of those people will actually get the nerve and courage to try to DO something. The other 99% will sit there, crying their eyes out while reading my blogs, hoping that maybe I’ll say something that hits close to home.

But the whole while….completely ignoring the fact that if they took the effort to email me and say, “Nolaw, can you talk about…”, then I would write a blog to help them personally.

Some of you think I am pulling your leg, because many of you see me as some ex-con out to get something from you. But yet…you keep reading because I am sharing something of value. What is interesting is that when I get an email, and blog out my thoughts to help that person on their question, I get an email from them saying, “I never thought you would take that much time to answer my question”.

If you have son in prison… talk to somebody about it.

If not me, then somebody.

Several years ago, there used to be tons of prison support sites out there… I oughta know, I wrote for many of them. Now there are just a few, and some of them aren’t more than a prison gossip column. If you are reading this blog, and have a loved one in prison, take a few minutes to email me and ask me something that bothers you about his incarceration… something that has to do with prison that you need to know.

Do it right now, email me and ask. Don’t keep reading my blogs, HOPING I write the blog you were thinking about. There are thousands of prison issues, I can’t read your mind to know what you want me to talk about. You can sit there and cry another 24 hours about your son, or you can do something to get some peace of mind.

“What are you talking about…if my son is in prison there IS no peace of mind!”

I disagree…and if you feel that way, you are in a state of panic… which helps NOBODY.

Consider folks, there are hundreds of thousands of men in prison as we speak, and most of them have a mom that is worried about them. But where do they go to get help, or some answers? There aren’t many places, but there are some…my blog is one of them.

If you have a son in prison, there are lots and lots of things we can talk about, but you need to step up to the starting line and get ready for the race instead of sitting out in the stands. If you have a son in prison, you are not a spectator…you’re in this race. You have an invested emotion to that person you care about. If so, why not take some effort to get involved. This does NOT mean you have to read all the horror stories about prison, or get deluged with negative links about prison stories or things like that. That is what a lot of prison support sites do because they don’t have people that can TALK about prison, not from a first-person standpoint. So they load it up with cheap gossip or rip off links from other sites to share a prison story, thinking they are helping.

If you want a person that has been there to talk about prison…ask one.

My blogs are based on trying to do two things…ONE, to try to give you a constructive perspective of prison issues, and TWO, to generate an income by doing number one. If you have a problem with me trying to earn a living…get OFF my blog!

I am not here to kiss butt for any prison support site, nor listen to jerks who think that ex felons who did their time don’t deserve to make a dime, but expect them to work miracles for society. I say again, if you have a problem with this ex felon trying to create an income by helping others…get OFF my blog.

But if you have nowhere else to go, and need somebody to talk you through this, I have an ear to listen, and a heart to understand. You need only email me and ask. I can usually get a blog out inside of a day or two, depending on what I have going on. I can usually return an email almost immediately.

It’s your choice…continue looking for answers about prison issues, or get started in fighting for peace of mind. Until then…

#74 Prison Institutionalization (retro)

Prison Institutionalization

Wow, that’s a long word…I better make sure I spelled it right…

Today is Saturday, the first FULL day of college football and I am sooo ready! In fact, in about 15 minutes they are supposed to have the Appalachian State vs. LSU game on ESPN Classic. It was normally scheduled for a 5pm but with Hurricane Gustov impending, they had to change it. My best goes out to everyone in that area.

I do have ties there since I was born in New Orleans.

And for that reason I kinda pull for LSU, knowing that they will probably smash the Boonies by 30-40 points. But I also have room in my heart for App State because I think they were hosed by ESPN with that popular vote of play of the year. There is no doubt that App State beating Michigan was one of the biggest upsets of football history. So I root for App a bit, and because they are from the conference where I went to school…and some of you who read my blogs know that my school and App State are bitter rivals. (go Cats).

But I am not one of those fanatics of teams. I think it is a fun rivalry we have with Appalachian State and I have nothing against those guys. In fact, it was a guy FROM App State that helped me on day. One summer while working in Raleigh on my rising senior year, I had no car and had to walk home in the pouring rain. Cars passed by me like I was a nut (and I had to have been for walking in the rain, no umbrella). A guy pulls up and asks if I needed a ride… I accepted.

We talked and he asked me where I went to school, I told him I was a rising senior at Western Carolina, and he told me he was from App. It was very ironic, but I was extremely thankful that he was there to help me. So I have nothing against App at all. Love those guys!

Anyway, I say that to kinda share that help can come from anybody, something I have experienced more than once, in and out of prison. Anyway, I got an email today from a person who asked me to blog about how prison can make an inmate institutionalized. This is a big concern for a lot of you because you worry that your loved one will come out worse than he went in. Is that possible?

Yes it is.

Does it mean every guy that goes in will come out an even worse criminal?

No, not at all.

I want to see if we can get going on this, so I want to open this up to those of you concerned about this. I won’t get too much in detail with it right now, since I am focused on watching football today, but it is something I would like to blog about. I actually do have a few writings on this, but I don’t think they are on the current prison blog I have. If any of you remember my earlier writings as masonik4, you probably have read a post called “The Prison Coin” and another on my 3rd year anniversary out of prison (can’t remember the name of that.).

If you are reading this and are a member of certain sites, look up my posts and you might find it (good luck on that though). But those posts and others I wrote talked about how prison can indeed create a mentality, or as we call it, “being institutionalized”. Is there a legitimate truth to it? Well, sure there is.

I mean think about it, if you spend a long length of time in a life-changing situation, you stand a chance (positive or negative) of being institutionalized. I can give you three examples, one we already know…prison.

But there are two others that can be seen as similar examples. One is the military. Spend a few years in the military, or in combat, and see what that does to your frame of mind and mentality. You get locked into the routine of that daily life, and after awhile, it almost becomes part of your DNA. So when you come home, that military life style is still deeply embedded in you. And the military is an institution…

Now note I am not saying anything negative about the military or comparing it to the negatives of prison. I don’t want any idiot here trying to twist my words to make it seem like I am not grateful for what those men and women do for our country. But it cannot be ignored that if you are in the military for 3 years, 7 years, 10 years or so, it will have a profound effect on your routine of life, even after you leave.

Just as prison is seen as the negative, the military is seen as neutral, having both good and bad effects (and I will never understand how our country can ignore the financial needs of a man or woman who serves their country and comes home to debt).

But it also works in a positive measure as well. Institutionalization can also be very positive, as in the third example…college.

Think about it, you spend 4 years in an institution of higher learning, and those years will have a profound impact on how you look at life. Now I know this may not go for every college student, but I had the best years of my LIFE in college. If I EVER find that time machine, I am setting that sucker for those four years, and then I am breaking the handle!

But in each of those three examples, we are talking about an institution where the individual spends a large amount of time, and each is indeed a life changing experience. Whether positive, negative or in between, there is a chance to be institutionalized. But in terms of prison, we are looking at some of the negative effects. There is a great fear that your son will go to prison and come out ready to rob the next bank he sees. There is a great fear that your boyfriend or husband will come out of prison and be one of the meanest human beings on the planet, because he learned it from the other guys in prison.

Any truth to that?

Well…we have to talk about that. I want to be able to kinda take my time with it, and I don’t think it is fair for me to rush a blog and cheat you out of my best. Heck, the game is already on, so I will miss the first few minutes of the game….

WHAT??? LSU ALREADY SCORED????

Ok, we gotta end this blog, I am missing football. But I had to at least blog a bit on this because the person who emailed me asked about this, and I certainly want to help talk about this if we can. If you guys want me to go into depth on this, email me. I am also looking for support for my writing, so anybody out there that wants to support me financially, I would appreciate it.

#47 Prison Talk; Prison Education (retro)

Prison Talk: Prison Education

How is everybody doing today?

I was trying to think about something to talk about today on the blog, and as I was thinking on it, I thought, “why not just get outside, go to the park, buy a soda and think about it out there”

So I did.

I grabbed my journals, put them in a backpack and walked to a nearby recreation center/park/picnic grounds, and sat outside, reading some of my journals. I mentioned to you before that I have tons of material I have not shared with anyone yet. I’m not kidding. For all I have written, it is barely a scratch of what we can talk about.

That’s why I continue to encourage you to email me and ask me about stuff. Sometimes what you ask me could be a subject I had not yet blogged about, and it might be something that many of you need to hear.

A few days ago I got an email from a guy that was concerned about possibly doing prison time. I know I don’t know it all, but if he took the time to email me, then I needed to return the same kindness by sharing with him as much as I could. I didn’t blog his situation because that is between him and whoever he shares it with. I don’t put people’s situations out there in specific detail unless they let me know they are cool with it.

Anyway, today’s blog is about prison education, and how sometimes you have to fight to get it. I am about to share with you a journal I wrote while at Dan River Prison Work Farm, dated June 1st. This was during my last year in prison, so I know this was 2001, since I was released from Dan River Prison Work Farm in 2001.

What I want you to pay attention to is what I am saying THEN, and how I am going to follow up with it in the NOW. Remember, I wrote a lot of journals while I was in prison, because to me, it was the only way I could “talk to myself”. I actually started writing journals when I was in college (go Cats), and it seemed to work well for me in prison.

So the following is from my journal, again, dated June 1st, 2001:

How important is education to inmates? I’ve debated this issue many times, now the question is more personal. I’ve just been turned down for Office Information Systems class by Programs because I don’t have enough time. Yet the question now exists; what does Dan River expect me to do?

The problem is that an inmate who wants to better himself can’t because Dan River won’t let him. If I’m in that OIS class for 2 months, that’s 2 months of experience I can get. If I’m in the class 2 weeks, that’s 2 weeks of experience, both compared to zero experience. There’s a lot of points I can push, because I know the class isn’t full. What would it hurt to put someone in that likes the class? After all, how many inmates have written a grievance to get IN a class? Most would write to get out.

Yet how is a person supposed to help himself if Dan River won’t allow him to help himself? It raises some real questions about their commitment to rehabilitation.

So now my options: First, I’ve got the grievance in; I wrote it soft, not going for the jugular. If I did, I’d probably never get in the class. There’s still a chance to get in the class.

A second option is writing to PCC. I think a pro-education letter may sit well with them, maybe pressuring Dan River to let me in. I can get a recommendation from Mr Hines (teacher at HRD). Then there’s a letter to the Sup. Of Programs. Personally, I don’t think it will work, but it wouldn’t cost me anything. Speaking of that, there’s the DOC officials, which also costs nothing.

I can float a few more letters our there to get some responses. I don’t expect much from that, but a shot is a shot. On the more expensive level, I can start shooting letters to schools, public officials and the sort. To be sure, I can make a case about it, dragging Dan River into it. But I’d really like to get in that class. But if they won’t help me out, it’s going to be a long stay.

There is much more to share from this journal, but I wanted to halt it there for a moment to bring a few points out.

First off, I want you to understand why I wrote this journal. We know that most inmates don’t write about their experiences, and if they did, they certainly would not share it with anybody. So what was the underlying tone here in this journal?

This is important because if you can see WHY I wrote those journals, you may also find some angles of understanding your loved one in prison. I say many times that every inmate does his time differently, but there are always similarities from one inmate to another, whether it is a guy in a prison in NC or a woman in prison in TX. Whether it is a person doing 4 years in Florida, or a person doing 44 years in Oregon.

We’re all human, and that alone gives us similarities.

Now, I wrote this blog because I had recently finished HRD (Human Resources Development) while at Dan River Prison Work Farm. Every class had an inmate assistant, which was pretty cool because he gets to help out when it comes to refreshments, and stuff like that. I wanted that spot because it would be nice to get off the camp. All these classes were taken off the prison grounds, in a prison-like campus in Roxboro, near the Virginia-North Carolina border.

Anyway, I thought I could get that spot because the teacher was pretty cool and indicated that he was looking for an inmate assistant. I made a request to be that assistant, and thought that I would get that spot, but was told that since I didn’t have a lot of time left on my sentence, I might not get it.

At the time I was closing in on my release, which was August. But with the HRD class over, I still wanted to do something rather than just sit around the camp all day. A few of my friends in the dorm told me that there was room in the computer class, or Office Information Systems class. I felt that maybe I could spruce up my skills by taking that class. What most people didn’t know was that I was pretty good with computers. I took some in high school, with typing, and when I went to college I took computer classes and used it while writing for the campus newspaper.

Even in prison I had already taken other classes. While at Pasquotank I took a computer class and passed very good marks…it was almost too easy to me. So I figured, why not, take the OIS class at Dan River.

But the problem, as indicated in my journal, was that I was not approved for the class because there was no way I could finish. With 2 months left on my sentence, there was no way I could finish the class and receive credit. So I was denied the opportunity.

Now having shared that folks….look DEEPER into that journal. What is this really about?

This is about an inmate standing up for what he believes in.

In the prison world we look at this in the wrong way, when we talk about inmate who think that violence is more important than reasoning, where guys embrace the negatives of prison rather than finding hope. Inmates often see “standing up” for a reason to be aggressive or violent, but that is not always the way to see things, and it certainly is not common in prison.

Lots of inmates lose the battle of their own respect as a human being when they stop standing up for the positive things just because they are inmates. And yeah, I know prisons are just as much at fault, because they often ignore and turn their backs when inmates need things.

But this situation was important to me, very important. My background in education includes a degree from college, working as a GED instructor after graduation, and even being a GED assistant while incarcerated. Education is important to me, and I would defend it for other inmates as well. Don’t put any halos or wings on me folks, I am just like you, but I honestly felt that sometimes you have to forget about your own condemnation and help others, or at least help yourself.

This comes at a very tough time in my life, because if nothing else, prison can magnify your faults. Whatever feelings of shame, guilt, frustration, stress and disappointment you may have, prison will increase that manifold. But if you don’t find something to believe in, it will swallow you up whole.

As an inmate, you simply MUST find something to believe in, something good, something positive, something hopeful. When you do, you must also fight for it, because the second you start to believe in something, there will be circumstances to strip it away.

This is what was going on. My hope in trying to better myself was being challenged. And I had a choice…feel sorry for myself and give up, or stand up for myself. How many times have I seen and heard guys in prison give up on things simply because they are inmates, or the rationale that “they don’t care about us”. How many times have I read posts on other sites about mothers or girlfriends whose boyfriend is in deep trouble, but they are afraid to do anything about it?

These are the times where you have to stand up for yourself, even at the cost of losing. Inmates don’t like writing grievances because they lose so much, they feel that they can never win. But even if you lose 10 grievances, you still must write the 11th because it shows that you don’t give up.

My desire to WANT to go to class was being challenged because the prison felt that there was no need for me to go. I would not be able to finish the class, so it was not worth it for me to enroll. But is the question about finishing the class…or getting whatever skills I could before my release?

You can see here how many prisons completely forget and forsake the education of inmates, especially those preparing to reenter society. As I mentioned in my journal, even if I had just 2 months, it is two months better than none. I would have some productive activity, rather than just wandering around the prison all day. Prisons have to give inmates a chance, even if they can’t finish. Now, they didn’t know how much I already knew about computers, but my argument was to at least let me try.

It was important to me, and at the point of rejection I could have done nothing try to make my case. If I took the attitude of “I’m just an inmate”, then I would have given up. But this was an opportunity that I wanted to have, and the prison should have given me a chance. So I decided to fight for it. But you notice also HOW I fought for it…

Writing grievances and letters.

And yet, that goes even deeper. Understand what I am sharing here folks, when you are in prison, the most valuable asset you have is your brain. Every inmate has the ability to reason, and think in critical situations that involve them, but whether they use that or not will determine what kind of man or woman they are shaping out to be while under incarceration.

You’ll notice I said in that journal that I wrote a “soft” grievance, and not going for the “jugular”. That means there are different ways to write a grievance, depending on your mood. As a guy that has written tons of grievances while in prison, I was pretty good at making a point. But I also knew that sometimes you have to be more diplomatic when arguing a point. There were some times where I needed to “bear fangs” when writing a grievance, but I also knew that if I wanted to get in that class, I had to be less aggressive.

Many inmates forget how important writing a grievance is, because it is your only voice in the prison. Unless you are very good at writing letters, that grievance procedure is your best bet to make a case, or at least lay the foundations for it. I wrote a grievance debating why an inmate trying to learn cannot be admitted in a computer class. I did not go at them with fangs, I went at it to simply ask why an inmate with 2 months left cannot at least get some knowledge of the class that is not full and prepare him for his release.

Lots of times there will be situations in prison where inmates can reason with the prison. Lots of prisons are hard and don’t care about inmates, that is true. But many times the people that work in those prisons are reasonable to understand that rehabilitation is a very key part of incarceration, not just detaining inmates. In my experience in prison, I have indeed run across many kind employees of the prison. If you can appeal to them, there is a good chance that you can get some answers to your questions.

I wanted to share that journal with you because it lets you into my head about a few things, and you can see my mentality while in prison. There is more to this situation, and if you ask me to share more, I will share more journals from this situation, so you can see how this ended. I did end up going to that class, and I can share how that with you next time, unless you have other things to ask. You know me, I can write 10 pages if necessary.

Anyway, I trust all is well with you. If it isn’t and you are frustrated with some situations involving prison, or if you want to know more about prison or have me talk about some issues, feel free to email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com. I promise I won’t bite, and I do answer my emails. If you email me with a situation that is common to many others, I will blog out my thoughts on it. I won’t divulge your specific info, so don’t worry about that. I am not gonna say for example, “Mrs Smith in New York City told me her son Brian got 15 years in prison and she is concerned that he might be advanced on by bigger guys”.

That’s too specific, but what I can say is, “a mother from New York emailed me and wondered if I can talk about the chances of her son being advanced on in prison”. See, that I can do.

But my offer is there, email me or make a NICE comment. Or, if you are interested in support my blogs, ask me how. I am always appreciative when people trust me enough to support me, and I do truly appreciate that. Even if you are interested in my prison books or cards, let me know. I have already sent out my free prison encouragement certificates for Valentine’s Day, and I hope all those that requested them will get something out of it. For those that I sent them to, email me and let me know when you got them, and how you feel about it.

Until next blog…..

#45 Questions about prison 2 (retro)

Questions about prison

Well, here I am again….

My apologies to those loyal readers of my blog. I had to take a week away from writing and even checking emails because I had to step back and try to find a focus on the writing. I just didn’t feel right in how it was going, so I spent some time taking my mind off prison blogging. When I came back, I found many emails from new readers, and this really gives me a new purpose to get back to the heart of the prison writing.

Today I want to touch on a question a reader asked me, actually three questions. This one I will make kinda specific since she indicated that her loved one is at Tyrrell Prison Work Farm, a place I have actually spent time in. So I can answer her questions a bit more clearly, but I can still write in a way that many of you with loved ones in prison can still understand.

She asks me three questions, being these:

1. What do inmates do with money sent to them?

2. Are illegal drugs available?

3. What’s the deal with canteen?

I say to you, no question is too silly…well, if you ask me how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, then we’re gonna have problems.

So let’s talk about these three questions, starting with the first one. What DO inmates do with the money sent to them?

Remember folks, I am answering this as one who WAS an inmate at Tyrrell, and even though some time has passed, I still remember some things about it. Good thing I kept journals about that place.

Now to get into the question, remember that some camps are what are called “card” camps and some are “cash” camps. The difference being that one allows money to actually touch the inmate, the other does not. One allows inmates to actually use money, the other has inmates using their ID like a debit card.

Tyrrell, last I was there, was a cash camp, so we were allowed to have money. But what do inmates do with money? There are actually several ways to answer that. If for example I got $50 from my mom, what would I do with that money? There are basically three things I can do with it, other than just leave it in the inmate account (which draws NO interest). I can buy things with it, pay off debts with it, or gamble with it… oh wait, I can also LOAN it out.

Some guys in prison do loan money out, maybe a few dollars here or there to other inmates for a high return. It’s a risky venture, and obviously not legal in prison, but some do it anyway. If I loaned somebody $5, I would expect $10 back, or whatever I deemed necessary since it is my money I am loaning. Personally speaking, I didn’t know of any doing that at Tyrrell, and I was never one to be a loan shark anyway. I might give a friend a dollar or two, or give him some canteen, but I never loaned money on the idea of a high return.

Some inmates also gamble with that money, which will obviously be a big frown to many of you. I can understand your frustration if you sent your loved one your last $20 and he is on the yard betting on the Packers/Bears game, or have money tied up on some basketball ticket. I will admit, I have gambled a number of times because I felt I could win a few more bucks or win some extra canteen. But outside of that, sometimes gambling took my mind off my problems while in prison. Sometimes you just need a diversion, and I found the temporary excitement of trying to win a ticket was better than just being miserable all the time. Sure it is illegal in prison, and lots of guys do it, but that is part of prison.

A third way is to pay debts. To me, this was an area I never wanted to cross. To me, I never wanted to owe anybody, so if I didn’t have the money to buy it, I went without it. And believe me, there were times where I could have used a snack or two late in the evening or just before lights out, but my honor would not allow me to borrow. But many guys do borrow, and when they get money, it is their obligation to pay back what they owe. If a guy borrowed food from the canteen man, he owes him back double. If a guy drew a portrait of somebody for an inmate, he has to pay him. If a guy shines your boots, you owe him. There are many different “unofficial” jobs in prison where inmates are paid. Favors done may expect payment. So when an inmate gets money, he has to first figure out who he owes, and pay them. One of the worst things you can do in prison is not pay your debts. In some cases it can be quite dangerous.

As for me, I never bothered to borrow because I didn’t want to be in that situation to have to owe. At Tyrrell, it is just as common as any other prison. When pay day comes, guys get their money and have to do the business of managing their money. For many, it is gone as soon as they get it because their debts are greater than their financial standing.

The final answer to this question is the most obvious. It is one I did quite a lot. Most times when inmates get money, they spend it, but to be more specific, they spend it in canteen. That kinda goes to the third question asked, so I will tie both together here.

Canteen is kinda like the “prison store”, or if you can imagine this, think of the concession stands you go to when you go to a sporting event or a concert. Prison canteens are a little like that, but not nearly as glamorous. Each prison’s canteen is different; for example Tyrrell has two canteens. Some prisons have one, some have more than two. One thing I liked about Tyrrell was the fact that they sold Coca-Cola products by the 20 ounce bottle for 75 cents. In fact, many times the officers would cut in line to save a quarter and buy a soda, which ticked me off many times.

Prison canteens sell a great variety of stuff, from personal hygiene like razors, lotion, toothpaste and the like, to snacks, sodas and even extra stuff like pens, writing pads and things like that. But depending on which state you live, inmates can actually buy more expensive items, like quality sports shoes, or a radio. Some states you can by a television, or microwave. NC isn’t one of those, inmates are allowed to buy, when I was last there, Converse shoes and a cheap RCA Radio.

The prison canteen could have some of everything, from Pop Tarts, Little Debbie cakes, ramen, microwave popcorn, ice cream, microwave sandwiches, coffee and many other products. As far as I remember, no prison I have been in allowed gum, so you’re not likely to find any there. But for a guy like me, one who loved writing, I spent a lot of money on stamps. If you have read some of my older blogs, you know how many letters I sent out while in prison. Several hundred, to be sure.

So what does an inmate do with that money? Well, lots of things, but most of the time, they use it to buy things from the canteen. When I got money while I was at Tyrrell, I always made a trip to get a soda. When I was there in Columbia, NC, it was late spring heading into the summer, and it got pretty warm out there. I usually bought some chips and ramen, so I could have something to eat just in case the last meal in the chow hall was not on point. Believe me folks, it pays to have a back up plan sometimes.

And I say that as a guy who actually was WORKING in the kitchen at Tyrrell, so I know what I am talking about. No, the meals were not garbage, it was just that when you eat dinner at 4:30pm, it leaves too much time before breakfast the next morning. So it helps to have a few snacks in the locker to tide you over.

Well, I answered two questions, let’s tackle the third. Are illegal drugs available? As a guy that has never used illegal drugs, it would be silly for me to assume that was not true. We KNOW that illegal drugs do make their way into prison, but don’t ask me how. The closest I ever came to taking illegal drugs was asking another inmate for ibuprohen when I had a headache. But let’s not fool ourselves to think that it cannot happen in prison, because it DOES happen in prison.

I am not a believer that it is EASIER to get drugs in prison than on the streets, to me that is foolish. We are not debating that inmate CAN’T get drugs, we know they can, but no man or woman living or dead will ever convince me that it is easier to get drugs while you are in prison than on the street. There are just too many obstacles in prison to keep it from being “Drug Town USA”. Random urine tests, random locker searches and sometimes a whole shakedown make it pretty hard for an inmate to just sit there with drugs as if they are free.

But it IS possible. Are illegal drugs available? Unfortunately, yes, if you know the right people in prison. But again I say, it is NOT as easy as walking down the street in a certain neighborhood and getting it off the corner, or having a friend drive over and bring it to you. The checks and balances in prison are a lot tougher than in society. If you really wanted drugs bad enough, you can find them on the street or in prison. But of the two, your chances of getting it in prison are harder. Not impossible, but harder.

I honestly cannot say I know anything about this at any prison I have been on, because that was never me. But again, illegal drugs can be available if an inmate really looks for it. Sad to say, but true.

Anyway, that answers the questions and I hope it helped you a bit. Oh, one person asked me about my prison books, I used to have a prison book site, but I took it down because I was almost ready to delete all my prison blogs, and actually did except this one here. All my other prison blogs are gone, and that includes my book site. Now, I still can provide those books, just email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com and ask me about it. Hope to hear from some of you soon.

#37 Responses from Prison talk's hate mail (retro)

Responses from Prison Talk’s hate mail

“I am very sorry you had to get such a hateful message from Fed-X, who supposedly ought to know what ex felons have gone through.”

“I never liked PTO because many of the moderators were like jerks, they don’t know what they are missing”

“I used to read as many of your posts on PTO that I could find, it is a shame that there are people who call themselves “prison support” can act so hatefully”

“I am glad I left PTO, now I see what the owner is really about”

And many others….

Today I am sipping on a hot cup of coffee, answering emails from the last blog I put up, and I wanted to answer a couple of questions. First off, I am very thankful that there are people who stuck up for me. In fact, there are a few readers here that are still members of PTO, but asked me not to share their name because they would not want to be banned for “knowing me”.

I can understand.

But it appears to me that PTO has no idea how to help people except to share in their misery; you know what they say, misery loves company.

So today I want to take a moment to talk about a couple things about this prison blog, and the problem with people on other prison support sites in what they claim to know. The first thing I want to tackle is the reason why I changed my format to have members of Blogspot only to respond.

The original idea was not that way, because I originally welcomed every response that was positive. But when I left PTO, or rather they banned me, it was apparent that some nosey members there were reading my blogs, then running back like a gossip queen to PTO to tell them what I said about them.

Note to anyone like that…I have the right to say what I want on MY blog…whether David Frisk (Fed-X), likes it or not.

But what was happening was that these cowards were making cheap shots on my blog under the anonymous title. Well, any coward can run their mouth and hide behind a tree while throwing rocks, it takes no heart to do that. But yet there were several PTO members who did that, saying all kinds of nasty words “in the name of Fed-X”.

Well, since those people never identified themselves, I figured I would not give those cowards that kinda satisfaction anymore, so I changed the settings to eliminate those kinda silly words. The drawback to that is that many of my readers are not Blogspot members, so it made it harder for them to make a comment to support my blogs.

That’s why I urge you guys to email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com to let me know what you want me to talk about. As I said before, I take my cue from those that need it, so if you emailed me about wanting to know more about prison canteen, I can talk about it. If you emailed me about wanting to know about being in the hole, I can blog about that. I leave that up to you…if you ask.

But thank your wonderful and dedicated friends at PTO for the reason why I changed the settings.

The second thing I wanted to talk about was an issue one of the members, some lysbeth or something, said about me. On a post awhile back, she argued that my writing 1200 posts was nothing because she had 25,000 posts on PTO. She was degrading my posts based only on number, and because she had 25,000 posts, it was far greater than my “measly” 1200 posts, meaning she was greater than me, and had contributed more.

Uh…folks, don’t buy into that.

I want to explain why this is nothing but misleading info from her, and I challenge any person who has EVER written on prison issues to prove me wrong on this. I say to you that I never claimed to be the best writer in prison issues, but I think I can make a strong case that I have written MORE on it than anybody online.

How so?

Well, let’s start with the blogs you are reading. I have nearly 250 blogs on this site at the moment, right? Well, if you have been following my blogs, then you KNOW I don’t write too many short blogs. Most of my blogs have been averaging about 4 pages long, some longer, some shorter. Now, doing the math, that means I may have about 1000 pages…NOT POSTS, on this site right now.

Now I admit about 10-20 are retro blogs, ones I wrote before and brought back, but we’re still talking about 900 pages of my writing…in just about a year or so, right?

Note, I said pages, not posts. A post can be as simple as this:

“Hi, and welcome to PTO”.

That folks, is considered a post. It takes no effort, no heart, and no ability to type that out. Now, this lysbeth person said she wrote about 25,000 posts…let’s look into that.

I know that PTO is not that old, in fact one of the few things that David Frisk and I have in common is that we got out about the same time. I know this because I have a post on PTO that was written on an “anniversary” of my release, and Fed-X responded himself, noting that he got out about the same time as I did….

See, he reads my posts too, contrary to what he said in that nasty letter he sent me…

But let’s just say this lysbeth character DID write 25,000 posts in let’s say, 5 years. Let’s just assume she has been with PTO for five years. This means, in average, she would have written about 5000 posts PER YEAR.

Now, anybody on PTO can easily check the number of posts of each member, and if she says she wrote 25,000, then I supposed that cannot be argued…but that is not my point.

Let’s say she wrote 5000 per year…wow, that’s a heck of a lot of writing, huh? That would break down to about 2500 every 6 months….wow, she must have 20 fingers.

Going further, that breaks down to about 416 posts per MONTH, and about 104 per week! That’s almost 15 posts a DAY! She must go through a computer a month, right?

I mean, that is a heck of a lot of writing per DAY on PTO, to have amassed 25,000 posts. I wrote for PTO for about 2 years and got 1200 under masonik4, and a couple hundred more under Nolaw97. Was she THAT great on the keyboard?

Folks, in the world of sports, there are always stats that you can “fudge” to make it seem like you are better than someone else. It gives the illusion that one person is better merely on numbers, when the truth is in the actual fruit.

One of the best 3-point shooters in the NBA history was Reggie Miller, and I think he shot about 40% from the 3-point line. Now, if I went out there and shot TWO 3-point shots, and hit one, that says I am 50%. Would that mean I am better than Reggie Miller, who shot HUNDREDS of those threes? No it would not.

When I wrote on PTO, it wasn’t some cheap comment that took 10 seconds to write. See, a lot of people on PTO have figured out how to cheat the numbers by making a simple statement, then copying and pasting it on hundreds of other’s posts.

There is a forum for new members, where the introduce themselves and their problems. What a lot of these PTO members do is type this simple sentence:

“Hi and welcome to PTO”

Or some variation that takes less than a half a minute to do. Then, they copy that sentence and then go and paste it on as many new members as they can. Most of those people don’t even READ those new member’s post, they just copy and paste it so they get the count for the post. This lysbeth character obviously did that, and I must admit, did it very well. I mean, inside of an hour, how many times can you copy and paste insincere words like that? 20 times? 50 times?

How many then, inside of a few hours, a few days, and a few weeks?

You see then how easy it is to generate high numbers for your posts without every helping a single soul. And the sad thing is that those new members will actually believe people like lysbeth really care about them. It would really be a shame if there is a member who has some real problems, thinking they will get some help, but have like 15 identical responses to their post that say, “hi and welcome to PTO”, or “I am so sorry to hear about your problem, but there are great people here that can help”.

Next time you check on any prison support site, look for those who make those very short posts, and make them often. These are not people that really want to help, they want to use your post to generate more posts for them.

And yet, there are so many people on PTO that are like that. Now, I am not the fastest typist in the world, but I DO know how to type. I took typing in high school, and did a lot of typing in college to hone my skills. Because I am on the computer a lot, I have become pretty good at typing. But for me to type a sincere blog or post of 4 pages or so, it would take me about 45 minutes to do.

Now, if lysbeth was indeed putting about 15 posts a day on PTO, we have to look at two options. Is she just “running up numbers” as many members do, or is she really writing legit posts? Even if she wrote some decent posts, to write 15 of them a day is a heck of a lot of time…do you REALLY think she is doing that?

Hey, there are days I can write up a streak, but NOBODY can do that every single day for 5 years. So again, do you really think she has 25,000 quality posts on PTO?

I don’t either.

But this does not mean she has none, even a person with that many posts can every now and then make a sincere post or two. But the fact about many PTO members and especially moderators is that they glory in one or two sentence posts, and make great numbers with them. When I wrote for them, I don’t believe I ever wrote a single sentence post, almost all of mine were quite lengthy.

What I gave them was quality, not quantity. Anybody who does not care about you can say “hi and welcome to PTO” and share that same post 10,000 times, and say something like “thanks for sharing this post” another 5000 times, and “sorry to hear about your problem” another 5000 times and get 20,000 posts in no time.

But the problem here is that these people are making themselves out to be someone they are not. If I really need some advice or help, I might be fooled to hear from someone who has 25,000 posts and think, “hey, this person must really be an expert, they have 25,000 posts”, not knowing that 99% of them were copy and paste messages. So people put their faith in a person who was actually using the site to make themselves greater than others.

And then you get the blind leading the blind….

So I do not believe this lysbeth person is sincere, and I do not believe she cares about the members of PTO. She defends it because she likes her position as some “expert” when she really isn’t.

The easiest way to prove that is simply to look at those posts. You don’t have to check all 25,000, just get an idea of whether there is a pattern in what she says. On most sites that is as simple as finding the member and looking at all their past posts. I guarantee you that there will be a definite pattern of similarly written posts that took seconds to write and paste.

But these are the members of PTO, who seem to swear by the name of David Frisk.

Anyway, I had to post that because there are a lot of people who knew me at PTO and other prison support sites, and understand what I am saying. That last post I put up stirred up a lot of my readers to encourage me to keep writing and talking about prison issues.

Thanks guys, I appreciate that.

So we’ll continue to talk about prison issues. And as I said before, feel free to email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com to ask about my books, cards or if you have a question about prison, just ask. I don’t take nasty emails, but in the case of Fed-X, I felt it was important for some of you to see what he really thought about me, and those like me…not much support in that, is there?

#36 Prison Release Anxiety (RETRO)

Prison Release Anxiety

**Note: This blog originally started late last night**

Well, it is almost midnight as I sulk: UNC AND UCLA lost!

I was pulling for UCLA because I used to live in Los Angeles, and I pull for UNC because I have always liked them.

I have nothing against Memphis and Kansas, and wish them both the best this Monday.

Well, I debated whether to blog tonight or now, especially since I have not answered my emails yet. If you emailed me, I will get to it, but probably Sunday. But I wanted to touch on an issue a reader mentioned to me, one I touched on the previous blog.

To jump right into it, how do you deal with prison release anxiety? To be honest, I don’t even know if there IS such a condition, but in simplest terms it is this: An inmate who has done a certain amount of time in prison, and gets nervous or even fears the time when he is released back into society.

Now, to the novice reader that sounds dumb. Why would an inmate be worried about getting OUT of prison? Well, let me speak as one that has been there, and felt the same way.

You see, many folks believe that the happiest day to an inmate is when he is released, and most times that is certainly correct. But when you release a person back to society, you must understand what you are also releasing him TO.

Sometimes a free society is the worst thing for a condemned person to return to. I remember when I was in, a guy I knew was about to be released the next day. That guy had been in prison for maybe 4 or 5 years, and now he was getting his freedom…but I tell you, I would have sworn that he didn’t want to go.

That sounds stupid, doesn’t it. Well, I felt the same way.

Not that I LIKED prison, it was what I was returning to. My release in 2001 came with a 3 year probation, and I had to pay $10,000...

I don’t think you got that…$10,000!

I remember talking my mom on the phone during my last few weeks in prison that I would rather do the last 3 years in prison than come out. My mom thought I was crazy, and said, “don’t talk like that”. But I was serious. I knew that a guy coming out of prison was going to have a much, much worse time trying to get his life together in a society that isn’t as sympathetic as they say… and to have a probation on top of that restricts me to the extreme minimum.

It’s as difficult as possible, but I was still expected to make that probation and all the characteristics of that. That is very hard to do. And those next three years were pure hell mentally and spiritually, pure anguish. If I had it to do again…I would have opted to STAY in prison.

Some inmates get used to prison life and accept it for what it is, and begin to take root in that life. Responsibilities are not as much as in the free world, but you trade that freedom for a life that can be quite dangerous. But once you get to understand it, you realize that it is what it is, and for a condemned person, it is still better than nothing (to many).

But when the idea of being put back in society comes, it creates a wave of fear and anxiety to the inmate. How will he get his life back together? How will he get a job? Where will he live? Who will hire a person with a record? What if he can’t afford to buy clothes? Where will he eat? What if he has to be on probation or parole? Who is going to help him get back on his feet? What if he gets in trouble again?

See, lots of people think they know it all by saying crap like “well, just stay out of trouble”. Last I checked, nobody is perfect, meaning we have all be in SOME trouble in our lives, some more than others and some much more serious. But to an ex offender being released, it can be a frightening thing, especially if you have been locked up for more than 5 years. Things change while you are locked up, and when you are released, you are likely not prepared for that change.

Imagine an inmate who has been behind the prison walls for 10 years, and is due to be released at the end of this month. You assume he would be so excited and ready to jump out, and maybe he is, but he is also afraid of what the future holds. Prisons call themselves making a “home plan” for inmates, but that is garbage. All they do is get your contact numbers just in case you break the law again.

So with the excitement of freedom comes the fear of the unknown. I am not saying this so you can pity them, I am telling you what I felt and how prison can and does play on your mind. It also does not help that prison does almost nothing to prepare an inmate for release, and much of society are quick to turn their back and refuse to hire ex offenders anyway…

(I once had a reader criticize me on saying something like that, thinking that I am saying that “it’s never the inmate’s fault”. If you think I am saying that, you have not understood one thing I have ever blogged about)

When a guy feels like that, it can cause some mood swings because he is caught literally between two worlds… that of the prison that he has had to embrace fully in order to survive, and that of society of which he will have to shed his prison mentality…something they DON’T teach you in prison.

You can’t just “turn off” the prison and “turn on” the real life of society, it does not work that way, and to an ex offender, it creates problems on what he believes and how he is going to make it “in that real world”.

But one way of defeating that anxiety is by reinforcing his possibilities. Remember that an inmate is very limited on what he can do, so you may have to find those positive. You may have to be that information source he needs on leads for a job, cost for clothing, how to get transportation and things like that. I am not saying that you have to bankroll his new life, I am saying be a strong support that he can get his life back together.

That is a debate an a number of different ways, especially for some who may not really be sure if their loved one is serious about changing. To be sure, there are some who have no plans to change, and are just using people as his crutch, while selling them the idea that “he has changed”.

That is a dangerous thing. Lots of inmates do that, and you need to be aware of those that do. But sometimes the difference is paper think and cuts emotions. How do you know that your loved one is serious about wanting to change? What if he is lying and just using you?

Check the fruit.

Not to sound corny, but you can usually tell a tree by the fruit…hmmm, sounds like some scripture, doesn’t it?

But think about it. If I blindfolded you and handed you a fruit off a tree, and asked you to feel it, smell it or even taste it, you might have some idea of what that tree is. You can pretty much tell if you have an apple, an orange, an acorn or pine cone. You most times don’t need ALL your senses to identify most trees. I mean, would YOU bite a pine cone if you didn’t have to?

But when it comes to relationships, we often don’t recognize that, especially with prison relationships. There are many strong and binding relationships of men in prison and their wives or girlfriends on the other side, but there are some that are bogus. Some guys like to use women to be their crutch until they get out, then they go their separate ways, leaving a broken heart.

How can you tell if he is sincere and honest? One way is to check the fruit.

If he is due out inside of a year, check his mood, see where his head is, what his plans are. Offer him some suggestions that you are willing to follow up on. That does NOT mean saying that you will buy him a car. That is too much on YOUR end, and not enough on his end. If you are unsure of his sincerity, you have to find out where he really stands. If not, you could end up being his supply until he gets out, not knowing that he only wanted you for what you have and what you could give him.

You’ve got to know if that person really wants to change, or just wants to get out of prison…there is a difference you know.

Ask him what he wants to do when he gets out. If he does not have any idea, then HELP him get some ideas. He’s gotta have something to do when he gets out, otherwise there is little to keep him from “going back to check out the fellas”.

Where is he going to live? If he says he wants to live where he can’t get in trouble, that is cool, but understand this simple fact…moving does not necessarily change the attitude. It’s not enough just to move, you still need a plan to fill that void with something constructive and positive. If not, you can live in North Carolina, South Carolina, South Dakota, South America or the Southern Hemisphere, it still does not change the fact that you have not improved yourself.

This can be a very soul-searching question that many of you may have to think on, but it is a start. I could go on for another few pages but as I see it now, I am already over 3 pages long, and from what I read on some sites that may be too long. Yet I am comforted by one person who encouraged me to write as much as I wanted. After all, if it is too long for you, copy it and read the rest later.

Anyway, please email me about comments and about my books and other stuff, It is a strong encouragement to me, and ask how you can support my writings. You can get in touch with me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com.

#28 Should inmates ALWAYS obey? (retro)

Should Inmates ALWAYS obey?

This can be kinda controversial depending on what you are willing to see in the title, and I am sure no prison is going to agree with me on this one… such is life.

Before I get to that discussion, I am sending out the orders for the “Grades of Honor” books late this week and early next week, so if you have requested one from me, I will be sending those as soon as I receive your requests and payments. I didn’t want to ask for them too soon, I wanted to be in a position to send them within 2 or 3 days after I receive it from you. That time allows me to get the number of books ready beforehand.

Today, after blogging, I am going to print out some more works, and get ready for the mailing later this week. I am also going to work on polishing my prison blog book and have it ready by the end of the month.

If you have not requested one of my “Grades of Honor” books, email me about it so I can get a copy ready for you on the next mailing days near the end of the month. If you have already asked me about it a week or so ago, then I can send yours late this week and next week.

At any rate, email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com to ask how you can support my writings by sending a gift, or purchasing some of my works. I appreciate everything you guys have done for me, I really do.

Now, let’s talk about the title. Should inmates always obey all the prison rules and officers while incarcerated? Here is my overall answer:

Absolutely not.

“WHAT???”

Does that bother you, that I said “no”? I suppose it would if you didn’t really understand what I am trying to share with you. It’s interesting because I wrote a blog awhile back called “Good inmate”. It’s not on this blog because I wrote it awhile back before I wiped everything off the previous blogs. In fact, if I can remember, I am going to try to find that one and post it here.

Now, a mom or a wife or a girlfriend might have issue with my statement because what you see on the outside is not what is really going on inside of prison. Mothers just want their loved ones to “stay out of trouble” and “do what they tell you”.

On the outside that sounds like great advice because it is. In prison this is not how the world works. Staying out of trouble while in prison is almost like an oxymoron, and doing what they tell you is almost telling your loved one to surrender his life over to the prison.

“But I just want him to do his time so he can come home.”

I understand, but if it was THAT easy, it would indeed be great advice. But the rules of prison go much further than any written word that DOC can put in a book on online for you to scan through.

Should inmates ALWAYS obey their superiors? Let’s first be specific in what we are talking about, and to do that, let’s define the word, “obey”:

Obey: “to do what is commanded by (person, law, instinct, ect)”

That sounds like we also need to define “command”:

Command: “a statement, given with authority, that some action must be performed”.

So knowing this, what we are talking about is the idea that every inmate should always do what is commanded by the authority of the prison. That sounds about right. But I am betting some of you are thinking that the definitions and the foundation of the rule completely supports the argument against me, that inmates SHOULD always obey the rules and authority.

Not necessarily.

Understand first that we are not talking about a lawless society, or anarchy. Yes it is prison and a lot of things happen there, but there still has to be a overwhelming level of security. If not, far more inmates would be killed by other inmates (and even officers) if there was no structure of law.

So don’t get this confused with me saying that inmates should reject every rule and everything told to them by officers, that is not what I am saying at all. If you believe that, you missed the key word in the title statement:

“Always”.

Few things in this world is absolute, and man’s rules are certainly not one of them. A law made is only a guiding outline, subject to interpretation. Our own judicial system is a perfect example of that. One guy robs a bank and because he is poor and a minority, he gets 30 years. Another guy does the exact same thing in the same state and gets 5 years, because he has money and a great lawyer.

In prison, there are many rules to know, and the prison sticks to its guns on them all, but to expect every inmate to honor every single rule while in prison is foolish.

“But what you’re asking inmates to do is break the rules!”

Well…not exactly. I’m saying that the inmate has to survive the best way he can, and sometimes that means taking steps to give him the best chance to make it in prison. An inmate has to be able to listen to himself and help him do the best things for him, because prison rules do not help an inmate do that; prison rules makes drones out of inmates. That’s fine for the prisons, but destructive for the mentality and self esteem of an inmate.

“I still don’t understand why you’re saying that inmates should break rules”

I’m not saying that inmates should mindlessly break rules, I am saying that inmates must respect all prison rules, but also be intelligent enough to consider some that are only there to control the inmate, rather than help them cope with prison.

You see folks, prisons do not help inmates in rehabilitating themselves, nor does it help them develop a positive frame of mind. But as soon as inmates get in trouble, whether by their fault of the circumstances around them, the only course of action the prison has is punishment.

You get a write up or thrown in the seg cell if you break the rules. There is very little room for an inmate to develop a conscious rhythm of thought in cause and effect because in a very negative situation, positive thoughts and actions are at a premium.

And what is the source of almost all the negative things in prison? Stress, depression, anger and condemnation. You don’t see it because you’re not in prison 24 hours a day, but if you were, you’d see how it slowly tears away at a person’s persona, leaving a more negative and stressful person as days go by.

The BEST way to fight that while in prison is to find ways to cope, to find ways to make life a little easier for you while you are in prison. And more times than not, some of the best ways involve “bending” rules a bit. Other times it means standing up for yourself when you truly believe in your heart that the prison’s decision on an issue was wrong.

Still don’t follow me? The let’s put some examples to this.

My mom told me the same thing many of you told your loved ones; to do what they tell you and try not to start any trouble. Well, I can count the number of fights I’ve been in all my life on one hand and have a finger or two left over, so me starting physical confrontations was certainly NOT in the plan.

And if you read my first book of “Grades of Honor”, you know how I felt when a guy talked to me about having a “hustle”. I was absolutely convinced that if it was against the rules, I was going to avoid it and anyone who did it. I just wanted to do my time and go home.

That was very early in my incarceration…and that belief went down the tubes inside of a week. Why?

Because the burdens of prison life are FAR more than you can imagine unless you’ve been there. Prison life isn’t just about incarceration. It’s about guilt, shame, condemnation, fear, anger, sadness, depression and many other feelings.

The extra problem with this is that in prison, you don’t get help for it. You have to deal with it yourself. If you have similar problems you can go to church and talk to your pastor, or go to the movies, or go buy something to cheer you up, or go see a friend, go to the park, go online to find help or anything else. In prison, those options don’t exist.

So they sit in that person’s head and heart, eating away at them.

If you don’t find a way to cope and defeat those feelings, you stand every chance of losing yourself inside the prison, even if you are released and go home. Your humanity, your self esteem and individualism rotted in prison. In short, you’re worse than you were when you entered prison.

That was what I was fighting when I first entered prison, and I thought if I just “do good and obey” while in prison, everything would be ok…it wasn’t.

If you read my first book, you know this part, but in “Grades of Honor” I talked about when one of the inmates came up to me and asked me to write a letter for his girlfriend. There was no hiding that I looked like a college grad, because I was, and guys could tell in how I talked. So he figured I could write a better letter than he could for his girlfriend.

I did, and he gave me a pack of cookies for it. To this date, those cookies were probably the most delicious tasting pieces of sweets my tongue has ever had the pleasure of getting acquainted with. Why?

Because at that time I had no money and was very depressed. It was so hard to see other guys buying snacks and other foods, while I sat there broke and depressed. And with prison meals over by 6pm, I was going to be hungry until 7am the next morning. If I could just get a snack or something to tide me over, I would feel a bit better.

So when an opportunity came to earn something to eat, I took it. But you KNOW of course that is against the rules. That is called bartering, and no prison allows that. That is against the rules, but it was either honor the rules and suffer, or ignore them, and make it through one more day.

See, the absolute of following rules sounds simple to most people, and they would be upset if their loved ones was doing what I just explained, bartering for goods. But if you got a call from your son, daughter, husband, boyfriend, ect and he explained the situation, and how he didn’t want to break the rules, but felt so down that he had to do something to make it, I don’t think you’d have a problem with it either. Your most important hope is that he can get through it, not that he does it perfectly.

The same goes with obeying the authority, but this is much more delicate.

In my time in prison, I did my best to respect every officer; if they told me to do something, I did it. If they appointed me to some position, I took it because I really didn’t have a choice. But if I felt that the situation was unfair, I made sure to let them know by writing about it.

You see, if I talked back at them and argued, they would always win on the “direct order” directive. In prison, inmates are supposed to always respect the “direct order” when given by any officer, or employee of the prison. Not just officers, mind you, this applies to the nurses, teachers and anyone else in the prison. If they instruct you to do something, and you refuse, that is a write up.

I never got a write up for that, because I knew that was a charge I could never win, even if they were wrong. I hated that order because it in effect allows any officer to be right all the time…even if they are not.

I have been in altercations with MANY officers over my time in prison, but never a shouting match, because I would never win that. But if I just surrendered to it and did what I was told, then I lose a piece of me to the prison. If I was wrong in a situation and lost, that is punishment to my pride. But if I was right and lost, then it punishes my self esteem, and I don’t think I was willing to give that up without a fight.

So I write. While I did obey the actions told of me by an officer, I was in complete retaliation in spirit to the action, and would write a grievance or letters about it. Let me share an example with you:

While I was at Tyrrell Prison Work Farm, almost about this time of year, since I remember my journals talking about the NBA Playoffs, I was instructed to move to the kitchen dorm, since I was now being put in the kitchen to work. I had at the time resided in another dorm, and would now have to move all my belongings from one dorm to the other.

You have to understand, I wrote a LOT, so I had lots of papers with me…LOTS. It took me a few trips to move all my stuff from one dorm to the other side of the prison. But one of the last things I had to move was my bed. The big lumpy mattress had to be moved as well, since it was considered my property. I am no 98 pound weakling, but I am also not from Muscle Beach either. It was too heavy to move by myself.

So I went to the front desk and asked an officer if I could borrow a cart so I can move the mattress. He told me there were none available (liar), and I explained to him that I was told to move to another dorm and the mattress was too heavy to move that far. He asked me how did I get it there when I first got to the camp, since you are assigned your stuff, including linens, pillow and mattress when you arrive, and you have to take all that to your bunk yourself.

I told him the truth, they provided carts for us, which is what I assume was normal protocol. He told me that I’m going to have to move it myself, and I told him that I could not. His response:

“You GON’ move them!”

To which I said, “then they won’t get moved” and walked away. This is important because many officers like to “end the discussion” with an inmate, and hate it when inmates “end the discussion” with them. He hated that and tried to tell me to come back.

I kept walking, absolutely frustrated in the situation and burning up inside.

The officer didn’t appreciate me walking away from him, and called the sergeant who was near where I was, as I was walking back to the dorm. I heard it clearly on the hand unit of the sergeant that he wanted him to detain me, so the sergeant saw me and asked me to step over to him.

He asked me to go with him back to the booth where the officer was, and asked what was going on. I explained clearly to the sergeant that I asked the officer for a cart so I can move my mattress to the kitchen dorm, and he told me they didn’t have one available, and told me that I was GOING to move it without a cart. I told him it was too heavy for me to move, after making several trips back and forth with my other belongings

The sergeant instructed the officer to find me a cart, and I could tell that officer didn’t appreciate being told what to do for the benefit of an inmate. But I won my case, got the cart and was able to finish moving the mattress.

You see, if I simply obeyed the officer and tried to move that mattress myself, I would have lost on many levels. I would have been drained physically, I would have been angry inside and the entire day would have been far worse for me. That’s not how you cope in prison. Coping does not mean, “just dealing with it”. Sometimes you have to make a stand for yourself.

And the truth is, I could have likely gotten a guy to help me move it, in fact I think one or two guys DID ask me if I needed help, but this wasn’t about that. If I really HAD to do it, I could have likely gotten help, but this was about self esteem. This was about being able to do your best to respect the rules if the rules are REASONABLE. In this case, I knew that officer was lying to me about the carts, and then tried to force me to do something I wasn’t that capable of doing. It was about him making my time harder for me than it needed to be, which was NOT his authority as a prison officer. I needed help, and he clearly was refusing to help me because he was too lazy to get off his butt and do something. Sometimes when officers get frustrated with inmates, they like to whip out the direct order and make people comply. That’s what he was using with me when he told me that I was going to move that mattress with no help.

That in effect, is a direct order, but it was also an unreasonable order, so I felt that I had the right to reject it, as long as I kept my cool about me. If I had gone into a rage, and cursed and stuff like that, I doubt I would have been shown favor by the sergeant. But because I kept calm about it, even though I was very, very angry inside, I was able to get a better resolution.

So, should inmates ALWAYS obey prison rules and the prison authority? No, they should not, but they SHOULD always respect the rules and understand the reasons for them. An inmate’s dignity should not be treated like dirt by any prison, because it defeats the entire purpose of rehabilitation.

I think if you got the last 10 million people that has ever been in prison, and asked them if they honestly obeyed every rule in prison…I would wager that MAYBE a couple of thousand guys may have obeyed every rule, but I will also wager that those guys were very short timers, maybe a couple of months in prison. Not long enough to have those kinda problems.

There is a difference in respecting the rules and authority as to obey them. I respected the rule of no bartering, but I did not obey them because my need to cope was greater than that rule. But I respected the rule enough to not do it in any officer’s face. In fact, a lot of the better officers even said as much. Many don’t mind inmates doing what they have to do to cope, because it also gives them some peace. A guy drawing pictures for money is not causing trouble, even though he is doing it to sell. Officers know that, but they are willing to let it slide as long as they don’t make it too obvious.

So even on the prison side, there is an understanding that all the rules don’t have to be obeyed, it is a guideline, but they all must be respected. I got no problem with that, and I did the best I could on that. But expecting your loved one to never have any trouble or break any rules is really kinda unreasonable.

It’s like walking outside in a thunderstorm with no umbrella, and NOT getting wet.

Oh well, this took longer to write than I thought, now I gotta get to my other projects. Please email me to ask how you can support my writing, I am always open to someone sending me a gift to keep writing, or someone asking about my books. Email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com.