Wednesday, March 31, 2010

#124 After you know you're not alone (retro)

After you know you’re not alone

This is kinda a tricky subject, but one I don’t have a problem attacking. This is a blog based on something I read the other night. I’ll get to it in a moment.

This week is my “mailing” week, where I get all the orders and requests of things I said I would send out and mail them. I will be sending out the “Grades of Honor” books that some of you requested starting Thursday and until Friday, and finish up on Monday. If you ordered a book from me, or sending something for one, then I am going to be mailing those out in that period of time.

I have a few requests for those, and it always makes me kinda fulfilled to be able to send one or more of my books out. If you have not asked me about them, please do at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com.

Anyway, I was looking at some prison issues on a few sites and I noticed one written by a person who has just had a loved one go into the prison system. If I am correct, it was either her boyfriend or her husband, can’t quite remember. At any rate, she was clearly stunned by all this and wondered if anyone else was going through this very difficult situation.

I read a bunch of the following posts on the thread, and I noticed something kinda familiar…most of those people were saying about the same thing. It basically boiled down to a couple of things:

“I’m sorry to hear about your situation” and

“You’re not alone”.

Now, to be sure there is value in this, especially when the person is really looking for some support. No doubt this person probably got some feeling of encouragement in the numerous responses…

But if you’ll allow me, I am going to challenge that.

“Why would you do that, there’s nothing wrong in those responses”.

I beg to differ, and I’ll tell you why.

My challenge here is directed at ANY so called “prison support site” and even you the reader as to what it really means to get support. What I am going to challenge you here is whether you are looking for sympathy…or ANSWERS.

“That’s foolish, any person with a loved one in prison is looking for answers!”

Uh…yeah, right.

My challenge here to you today is this: After you realize you’re not alone in your prison issue problem…THEN what are you going to do? This can easily be directed at a wife or girlfriend, but I also extend this to a mother, or even a pen pal. If you have a loved one in prison, this is my challenge to you.

There are three words we need to define if we are going to make sense of this situation: Support, Sympathy, and Answers. Now play along with me here, there is a method to this madness.

Support: To keep from falling or sinking: to hold in position, to bear the weight of: to give strength to, to enable to last or continue

Sympathy: Sharing or the ability to share another person’s emotions or sensations: a feeling of pity or tenderness towards one suffering pain or grief or trouble.

Answer: Something said or written or needed or done to deal with a question, accusation, or problem.

Do you notice that it can be seen that the definitions of “sympathy” and “answer” is not quite the same? Sympathy does not give solutions to problems, it only shares them. And in some ways, the definition of “support” tends to lean more on sympathy, rather than solving problems.

This is one of the biggest problems with the term “prison support”. Many sites claim to be a support, when really all it is, is sympathy. Just like the post I mentioned about the lady who is discouraged, what she got a lot of is sympathy…very few answers to her problem. Everybody said the same thing, all agreeing that “you’re not alone”.

And the interesting thing about this is that deep down, she KNEW she wasn’t alone in this, and I direct this at you the reader too. You might feel really down about your loved one being in prison, but do you REALLY think you’re the only person going through this. I mean, come on, is there only one person in prison in this country, or are there MILLIONS that are currently in, and MILLIONS more that have done time?

You kinda knew the answer all along. You are not the only wife in the country with a husband in prison. You are not the only girlfriend with a boyfriend in prison. You are not the only mom with a son or daughter in prison. You knew that, but you didn’t want to really embrace that. Heck, you’re not even the only one in your state with the same situation…even further, you’re not the only one in town with that situation.

“So what’s your point?”

The point is that when something very difficult like this happens, it is human nature to look for acceptance and belonging. A mom, wife or girlfriend can’t help but feel an immense amount of burden because you just lost someone you care about. When that happens, there is then a void in your heart, and it hurts.

And to those of you that have never been in this situation before, it can make you feel like you are the only person on the planet Earth that has ever had a loved one go to prison…but you KNOW deep down you’re not the only one. Nobody ever visiting a prison support site or my blog can truly, truly say that they are the only person that has a loved one in prison.

But yet, it’s some of the most common words we get in “support”. So then some of you might say to me, “so what’s wrong with that”. My answer… nothing’s wrong with it…unless you are just looking for sympathy.

Now don’t take offense to that, I am trying to challenge you out of the normal way of defeated thinking and try to get you to think more constructively. IF you are going to get through this, IF you are going to be a help to your loved one, IF you are going to seriously try to get your life back, then you simply cannot reside on the foundations of “prison support”.

There’s a lot of definition for “support” especially when you talk about prison support. It can be a lot of things, but what it is really defined as is how a site treats it. For example, Prison Talk has numerous post that have nothing to do with prison “support” rather prison “fetishes”. Lots of women with “thugs” share issues that have really not an ounce of help in them. It’s like drinking coffee for the Vitamin C….you ain’t gonna get it.

If you are looking for true support, then it has to be something that first and foremost gives you strength, or something to help you continue. If you have a loved one in prison, you need to find some level of strength to continue to see the next day, rather than hide under the covers every day and walk around with a defeated attitude.

Now, if you are new into this genre, having just recently lost a loved one to prison, then this can be hard…very hard. But when people come to my blogs or other sites, they are trying to do what? Look for ANSWERS, or to try to make SENSE of the situation.

They are trying to understand what is going on, but more than that, they are trying to find a solution to it. If I got a headache later on today, I don’t just sit around feeling sorry for myself, I try to find a solution. If that means taking a nap, fine, if that means taking some medication, fine, but I am trying to find a solution to my problem.

This, in essence, is what is missing in prison support sites.

I don’t care if 1000 people make a post saying, “you’re not alone” or “I’m sorry about your situation”, if there is no indication of an answer, all they are doing is handing you sympathy. And I want you to understand that in the definition of “sympathy” there is no angle or venue to offer a solution. If you have sympathy, you are not trying to help a person in a situation. That does not mean you don’t WANT to, it just means you are not doing it.

I can have sympathy for a mother across town with no money to pay her rent, but if I do nothing to help her, then my sympathy is faithless and worthless. If I read about a mom who lost her only son to prison, and does not know what to do, I am in a position to help her by talking about prison and encouraging her to do the same for her son. But if I don’t and just say, “I’m sorry to hear about your son” or “you’re not alone in this”, then I am just showing sympathy…and a lack of compassion and faith.

This is where we all miss it when it comes to prison issues. So many people spend the least amount of time on a site just to get some damn post count up so it looks like they know what they are talking about. Sympathy involves pity and tenderness, not some cheap statement that you could have written blindfolded and with half a heart.

Here is something else…sympathy isn’t judged by what is written, it is judged by the CONTENT of what is written. I would not have written this much on prison issues if I didn’t care about some of you.

But ironically, many people get sympathy and just call it even. You have a loved one in prison, so you join a site with a multitude of similar people, and you seem content. WHY? Didn’t you come looking for solutions? Why stop at just sympathy?

It’s not enough to just know that there are thousands of other wives out there suffering like you. It’s not enough to know that there are thousands of other moms suffering like you. It’s not enough to know that there are thousands of other girlfriends out there suffering like you. You see, sympathy does not solve…it only shares.

If prison support is the house, and sympathy is the people, then how SAD is that house of so called “support”? It’s full of people that are sharing pity and grief for those suffering….so where then is the encouragement going to come from?

Think of it physically as a building having a “prison support” rally or meeting. 500 people show up, all needing “support”. Many are moms, some are wives, some are girlfriends, all having similar problems. You share your situation with others, and get a good feeling that you are not alone, that there are others just like you in this difficult time.

Ok, after you have met with all 500 people, and you all know that you are not alone, then what? Is this where it turns into a pity party, or some cackling hens party, or will somebody sit up and say, “what are we going to do about it”?

That folks, is your challenge…to find an answer. And ironically, this is where every prison support site will miss it. Why? The answer is simple. Prison support sites have virtually no input from those who used to be in prison. How can you claim to be a prison support site when nearly all of your intel comes from people who have never set foot in prison. How can you truly be of help to thousands when less than 1% of the members have actually been in prison and can share from the “insider’s point of view”.

How then, can you truly supply support when your sources are second or third hand people? You can have a site with 2000 people in it making posts regularly, but if there is only one or two (if any) that can speak from a direct perspective of prison, then the foundation of prison support is in serious question. If you don’t have that kind of information, then your support is basically made up of people who never have been in prison before, which creates only an air of “sympathy” talkers. Or you’ll have current and former prison employees, which will give their side of what happens in prison. Or you’ll get people who are too busy trying to rack up 10,000 posts to look good, and end up just copying and pasting cheap one liners. Or you’ll get people who go to other sites scooping up recent news to copy and paste on the site.

Folks, none of these creates answers, which is the number one reason you came to the site in the first place. You didn’t come to join a pity party, you came to find answers, didn’t you?

So, what do you do after you realize you’re not all alone in this prison situation? You look for something to help you deal with the problem…you look for answers. How can we apply this to prison issues? First off, we have to get you out of the negative into the positive. This isn’t easy, as anyone can tell you. But this cannot be about just holding position, as the definition of “support” says. We have to find a way to get you to overcome the situation….

See, this is something support sites don’t do.

Sometimes that means to endure. If I had a headache with no aspirin, I may have to just try to endure it, if I had no means to buy some medication. It means being patient through the difficult times, BELIEVING that it will end soon, and looking expectantly to that end.

I mean, how many of you keep rehashing your problems on the negative end? Yeah, I talk about prison issues here on this blog, but I am using it to HELP others, because I got through it.

Still, sometimes your problems can have solutions (actually, every problem has solutions, but most people don’t believe that). In prison issues, you have to first solve your problems of feeling defeated or stressed, then you can turn your attention to that loved one you have in prison. One of the best ways to do that is to defeat the fears you have about prison, and the unknowns of prison.

This is why ex felons are invaluable to this situation…and ironically so very rare. Who’s gonna tell you about the showers, or visitation, or canteen, or the food? Sure, there are many that can talk about what their “man” told them, and I guess I can’t argue that some info is better than none, but I say this to you, what some person with a boyfriend doing 10 years says is not as credible as what a person who did 1 year says.

The difference is the true heart of what is shared.

I said this before, I have been writing since about 2002, after I got out in 2001, and in those years of writing, I might have come across less than 10 people who actually wrote from direct experience. Of those, I think 9 of those 10 do not write much at all, just a few posts and after maybe a year or so they disappear.

If you have a loved one in prison, it’s NOT ok, to just feel like you’re not alone, not if you’re going to make your home in the house of sympathy. You came to find answers, you came to fight this situation, not to just give up and accept whatever happens. Lots of people are content just knowing they are not alone in their misery. Come on folks, you gotta get of that!

Let me use myself for an example. As an ex felon trying to get my life back together, I have run into a lot of problems…A LOT OF THEM. Getting my life back has been a hellish fight, questioning my sanity and faith in a loving God. I have seen the greatest ironies in me trying to do my best to help. I have been kicked in the face by not one, but two so called “Christian” radio stations. I have been spat on by so called “prison support sites”.

I have given up on blogging more than once, and have believed more than once that my “Grades of Honor” books will never be bought by anyone because people just can’t trust “ex cons”.

I like watching the Travel Channel and some of those shows to see far out place that I can only dream about…because it gives me something to look for. I watch lots of sports dreaming of one day being able to afford to buy season’s tickets to see those games in person. I go to the mall window shopping about things I look forward to being able to buy one day.

I got dreams too folks, just like you. Me being an ex felon does not mean I am forbidden from dreaming.

Am I the only guy in the world going through this? Of course not! Now that did not make me feel better when I was trying to address this situation, but once I realized I was not the only ex felon in the country, the next issue I had to address was, “what am I going to do to overcome it”?

And I’ll be honest, I didn’t make that determination on Monday and by Friday was booking a week-long trip to Tahiti. There were lots and lots of struggles (and continue to be), but my determination is to overcome these things. I am not satisfied in just knowing I am not suffering alone…heck, why should I accept the suffering anyway, if there is a better way to live and a more positive way to live?

This is something you need to address within yourself if you are going to fight this problem. If you have a loved one in prison, ask yourself is you are content sitting in a luke warm pool of sympathy, when you can get OUT, and look for answers.

How do you keep your son, husband, boyfriend or pen pal encouraged? How do you keep them positive? You can’t if you are not positive yourself. Sympathy does not help you feel encouraged, it simply says “there there”.

So that person who wrote that post has to decide for herself what she will do. She can embrace the dozen or more simple quotes or be aggressive in trying to find answers. You can sit there reading all my blogs, copying it out to share with others while never really trying to find an answer. You can have read every one of my current blogs, but if you have never took a step to find answers, then you will continue to be stressed and depressed.

It’s funny because with 7 different prison blogs, I actually have a very large audience of readers, yet the percentage of those who email me are very small. Hey, it’s not like I am going to email you back to hustle you out of some money. Some people read my invitations to support my blogs and think I am trying to con people out of money…

Folks, you really need to get a grip on yourselves.

The key about my blogs is about helping, if I can. Support is very helpful to me, but I also try to sell books and cards to help my writing. But I blog because people who can’t afford it need it. I GLADLY do that, and it must be sincere because I have over 400 pages on each of my sites…which is only a FRACTION of what I have written thus far.

So ask yourself this next time you read about “not being alone” or “feeling sorry for your situation”…. what are you going to do about it? You’re going to do one of two things…accept the comfort of sympathy, or stand out and look for answers.

Gotta fly, email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com.

#123 It's not too late (retro)

It’s not too late.

Well I think this is my first blog after that long discussion about prison communications. I am glad to finish it, but it was very fun to write it. I got a lot of people reading it on my prison blogs, so I know some of you will get some mileage out of it. Some of you told me you wanted to print it to send to a loved one, I am very cool with that.

In all honesty, I understand that the second my works become available, anybody, (friend or enemy) can copy it and send it. Some of you ask if you can, which is really honorable, I really do appreciate that. It’s not like I am going to charge you for doing it, when I blog I understand that it is free to anyone who sees it. The problem is that some people use it for gain without acknowledging where they got it from.

But I am cool with it…I guess.

Anyway, I wanted to blog on a few things but before I do, don’t forget to check out my booksite and my zazzle link. Also, don’t be afraid to email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com.

As some of you know, I answer quite a bit of emails in a week. It hasn’t gotten to like big numbers, but I do get some. Some were asking about my books and my cards, while others ask about situations that I might be able to blog about.

In nearly anything I talk about, there is a theme that what you can do for a loved one is never too late. Hope is about believing that it isn’t too late to help someone you love in prison. You can’t turn back time, but what you can do is be a light in a dark place. There are lots of men and women in prison that can see nothing but the darkness that is condemnation. We have all been in some tough spots, but some have been in much darker situations for a longer period of time. Inmates need help from you to get them through it.

But the problem is most people are looking at the worst case scenario and accepting it as the sad ending to a story. How many of you watch some of those dramas where at the end, there is no true resolution, only a sad ending? Of course, Hollywood does that to keep you watching, but in real life we seem to believe the same thing.

Your loved one is doing bad in prison and you feel like this is his lot in life.

Your son got put in the hole for being in a fight, and you don’t know what to do.

Your boyfriend lost his visitation privileges and you feel like you failed.

So many situations can have you thinking that this almost what has to happen when someone goes to prison. I am not going to sit here and tell you none of these things happen because they do. But one of the things I want to try to get across to you is that it is not the end. It’s not too late.

It’s not too late to help him or even turn things around.

“Oh that’s just foolish! My son is in prison and there is NOTHING I can do for him!”

No, I strongly disagree.

You can LOVE him.

And that’s where it starts folks. So many are at their wits end because they cannot see anything past their loved one’s condemnation. And I can understand that, remember, I have been there. I know what it is like to be in prison, and to spend time in the hole, and to be retaliated against, and to be in a fight. I’ve been there with guys that had only a couple of months to do to guys that have 99 years. I’ve been there with guys of all kinds of charges. I understand what you are afraid of.

But I am also saying this…it’s not too late.

But it requires you to change your thinking a bit. You cannot keep worrying about the problems that your loved one may be going through. This does not mean you ignore them, it means you must find a way to focus on the faith it is going to take to help him or her. For some of you it starts at the very beginning of that determination that your son, or daughter, or boyfriend or husband or pen pal is someone worth loving. Get that in your head first before you go any further because it creates a foundation to stand on.

See, if you still have reservations about “well, he did break the law, so I don’t know if it isn’t deserved that he is being ignored for medical visits”. That has nothing to do with it. Inmates put in prison are there for incarceration, and any additional punishment added by the prison is considered prison abuse…and it is a heck of a lot common than you think.

Yet lots of people run to prison support sites and cry about how they treat inmates, yet refuse to even mention it to the prison or some official for fear of retaliation. Guys, you have to look at that retaliation is based on. Prison retaliation is based on the idea that prisons often feel that they have a God-like authority over the welfare of an inmate…for better or worse. When you allow prisons to dictate how they treat inmates, you are also accepting their treatment of inmates…remember, you are ACCEPTING it, even if you write 100 posts about it on a site.

If you are going to help that person in prison, you have to start a new line of thinking that it is not too late to help them. Even if it is bad now, that can change. I am reminded of a person who had a loved one in prison here in NC, and he was clearly being neglected for medical visits. He was in pain and had almost no change of clothes in that cell for days. When he had a visit with his girlfriend, he literally broke down and cried for all the crap the prison was putting him through. She didn’t know what to do.

Now at this point a lot of you can say “Amen” to her plight, but at the same time, many of you will not even entertain the idea of helping that poor soul in prison. Why? Because you’re afraid of what the prison might do to him.

Ask yourself this question…what are they doing to him NOW? What did he deserve to be ignored medical help and in pain? Where is the humanity in that? Lots of you need to really think about that because it could be someone you love.

Anyway, she emailed me and asked what to do. We worked on some letters to send to prison officials and other local officers to see what could be done. At first it didn’t look like there would be progress, but I ended up getting a letter from her not long afterwards about the changes.

He was doing MUCH better, and the prison seemed to be genuinely concerned about his health. It wasn’t a complete turnaround, but far, better than what it was. And let me tell you something, when an inmate sees that his loved ones care that much to make sure he is ok, that means so much to them. Lots of inmates believe that their loved ones are too afraid to help them because they fear retaliation…so NOBODY gets help and EVERYBODY suffers.

You see what fear does to you?

But the moment you realize it’s not too late, you are empowered to help someone you care about. Your boyfriend or husband or son might be going through a very tough time right now, and you need to resolve to say that “it’s not too late to help him”.

How?

Start off by making a stand of love for them. Some of you never really did that, so your desires to help him are questionable to begin with. You have to KNOW that you love that person and you are going to do what you can to help him or her.

Over a year ago, I offered on a Yahoo prison support site a free prison encouragement certificate to anyone willing to give me their address to send it to. They would pay nothing for it, except to postage to send it to their loved ones in prison. I did not offer to send it directly to prison because my idea was to get those loved ones outside of prison to send it…after all YOU have to do something.

Some questioned my sincerity, but many took me up on it. I sent those prison encouragement certificates off and over the time I got several people who emailed me back telling me how much those certificates helped their loved ones in prison.

Now let’s not get silly, it’s not like it changed their world, but it did give them a bright spark to work off of. Sometimes that is all you need to get things going in the right direction. The prison encouragement certificates are a very nice and unique way to brighten an person’s day…and give them hope.

#122 One day at a time (retro)

One Day At A Time?

I say this in a question because I was reading an email from some of my readers, and I read one where someone said they are taking it one day at a time.

It was like something told me that I needed to talk about this, because we need to sit down and discuss what that really means when you have a loved one in prison.

I hope to share this on some other places, but as you know I don’t like sharing my blogs on other places, but I do in an effort to try to get myself out there. It is tough to share stuff on a site and you see many people READING my stuff, but nobody TALKING about it. It’s like people want help, but are too afraid to actively pursue it.

So I guess lots of strangers are reading my blogs, never taking the time to email me, make a comment or support my works… and by the end of the day, they are still having very tough times with a loved one in prison…

(is that YOU, he asks, to the person reading these very words)

Anyway, let’s talk about this title.

When you are in a very tough situation with a loved one in prison, often some sound advice is to take it one day at a time. This is important because many times you worry months, or YEARS down the road about that person. A lot of fear comes with the “what ifs”.

What if he gets in a fight?

What if he gets stabbed?

What if he has to join a gang?

What if he gets raped?

What if he does not want to see me anymore?

What if he hates me?

What if he is using me to get money?

What if he gets out and goes right back to prison?

What if he gets out and leaves me for somebody else?

So many “ifs”, and nearly all are based on the future, something none of us can predict. Heck, if I could, I’d be in Las Vegas or Atlantic City winning my fortune, and planning a cruise! You won’t have to worry about my prison blogs anymore…

“You’d really stop writing about prison if you were rich?”

Well…maybe not, I can’t say that sincerely, but it would be a nice temptation.

But in any case, we worry much about the future, which is why we often encourage one another to just take it one day at a time. Don’t worry about tomorrow, take thought only for today and take it step by step.

But when we talk about this in prison terms, we can often get lost in the true understanding. Just as during this Christmas season, many people lose the real meaning of Christmas, and get caught up in trying to buy somebody something, we can also lose meaning of what “One day at a time” really means.

Think about that…how do you cope with a loved one in prison while taking it one day at a time? For a lot of you, that means the following:

“I will panic and worry just one day at a time”

You see the problem?

The point of coping is finding strength and hope and faith ONE day at a time, and building on that as you go, not giving in to worry and fret and depression each day. Lots of us have this mixed up. Each day you live with a loved one in prison has to be an aggressive move to find strength, faith, peace, comfort and hope.

“Well Nolaw, faith and hope are the same..”

No it’s not. Scripture says faith is the substance of things HOPED for. Two different elements.

Each day you live, embrace that by finding positive things to stand on. You need these things if you are going to make it 5 months down the road, or 5 years down the road.

“But you don’t know how hard it is for me!”

Probably not, I don’t know your situation, but if you read enough of my blogs, you know I was in prison and jail, and have also talked about the difficulties of living after you are released. I know difficulties folks, much better than you think.

I am not saying my troubles were worse than yours, nor easier, I am saying I have been there. And to be honest, it is very hard to find out how you are going to make it. When I first went to prison, I had no idea how I was going to survive in prison, after hearing all the stereotypes. When I was released, I had no idea how I was going to find a life and earn a living with nothing to believe in. I have had many nights in my bedroom where I sit with a Bible wondering how in the precious name of Jesus was I going to earn finances so I could pay the things that needed paying, and then having money to have a decent life, and THEN having the money to have an abundant life.

Folks, that is hard to do if you worry one day at a time, in fact it is self defeating. So what do you do?

You build FAITH one day at a time.

And that is easy to think of. I mean, come on, what are you BELIEVING for with a loved one in prison? If you are worried then you have a fear. If you have a fear, then the opposite is what you need in faith.

“My son has been transferred to a prison too far for me to visit”

Ok, then start building some faith that some day very soon, he will get a transfer closer to home, and in that meantime, he will be safe.

“How do I do that?”

It starts by believing something positive one day at a time. This is where many people fail, because they don’t use that day to fill with something encouraging. They either worry about it, doing nothing but fearing, or they do nothing, which creates a void.

Thinks about it this way… say you are thirsty and you come to my house for something to drink. I bring out a cup and give you three options:

Option one: A cool glass of sweet tea

Option two: A warm glass of spoiled milk

Option three: Nothing.

Which would you choose? Now I know some of you will get picky and try to tell me you don’t like tea, but get over that and see what I am trying to tell you. You have a choice of something beneficial, something offensive or nothing at all. If you are thirsty, the choice seems obvious.

How then can it be any different when you decide how to fill each day with a loved one in prison? If you spent all day worried about your boyfriend, then you didn’t take care of the day, did you? If you spent all day doing nothing to encourage yourself, you didn’t help yourself today did you? But if you found some time during the day to do something, ANYTHING positive, it makes that first step so valuable. This is what we mean when we say, “one day at a time”. In fact, we could say this:

One day at a time.. In faith.

This is the beginning of finding strength to help your loved one, and being a positive force to him or her. This is where the road truly begins where you are empowered to be an invaluable contributor to that son, daughter, husband, boyfriend or whomever. It means you are taking control of your life for him and you. But it means even more…

It means you have faith.

And faith is believing that the thing you desire is gonna happen. Maybe not today, maybe not this week, maybe not this month, but it is GONNA happen. Faith is based on the one day at a time just as much as fear is based on it. But if you don’t choose one or the other, it will be chosen for you, and most times it will be fear.

Look, you know that I am no perfect person, so don’t make me out to be anybody special. But awhile back I was having some very tough times trying to understand how an ex felon could earn a living. After blogging for years, there just was not enough support to keep me going, and I nearly gave up entirely. I felt broken down and it just looked helpless. So one night I took a book called, “The Promises of God” and began to read them. In fact, even though I got out of prison in 2001, this is the SAME book I had, given to me by an inmate.

I just did not believe that what I was doing was for nothing, it had to turn into a blessing for me somehow. I mean, people saying “God Bless You” is cool, but what I needed was financial support. I remember praying about it, wondering why things were still not working for me, especially since I had received so many great emails from others. I realized that just because it had not happened yet does not mean it will NOT happen. I had to hang in there, to stay in faith, and take it one day at a time.

But it meant more than just existing from today to tomorrow and the next day. It meant finding strength to encourage myself and my faith. Not just saying “I hope to get through today” but “what can I do to encourage myself today”.

Some of you need to do that. What can you do TODAY to encourage yourself? You have a loved one in prison, how do you stay positive? And whatever that is, do you do that the next day, and the next? This is what the term “one day at a time” means. You have to find something positive to embrace today, and then find something tomorrow.

“But what if I fall down one day, what if a day comes where things go wrong”

Been there, know what you mean.

If this happens, then do something simple…get up. See, I think some of you see progress of faith like a football game. In a football game, the play starts at the line of scrimmage, and the offense moves FORWARD towards the goal.

But if something happens, like a sack, he may lose yards and be pushed BACKWARDS. If I have the ball and it is first and 10, and get sacked for 5 yards, then the next play will be second and 15, because I lost 5 yards and have to pick it up from there.

Many of you see faith like that. If you lose ground, you have to start back there. If you fall down, you have to start all over. Folks, that is not how it works.

If you have been trying to hang in there with a loved one in prison, and after hanging in there a month, you fall apart (especially during the holidays), many think you have to start all over…who said that? If it happens (and for most of us it does), you get up and pick up right where you left off. You lose NO GROUND.

I don’t care if you fall apart for a week, the moment you start back in faith, you are back where you started. You can weep for your husband for a week, but once you get back in faith, you are right back in the game. You are back to “one day at a time”, not “three weeks back and then one day at a time”.

We can get real spiritual or intellectual on this folks, but I didn’t want anybody here to think that your daily life had to be filled with dread and fear. Each day you live with a loved one in prison gives you a chance to establish some faith. You gotta believe things will get better, and to do that, it is a simple as building faith one day at a time.

Don’t forget that. Email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com to ask about my books, or ask about supporting my blogs, or just to email me.

#121 The Pain of Shame (retro)

The Pain of Shame

It is just after 11:30pm here as I start this blog, but by the time I finish, then post it on my 7 prison blog sites, it will be after midnight. I suppose all is well, all things considering.

Before I continue, I want to keep thanking those of you who support my writing. It’s not just a bunch of words when I say thank you, because it has really gave me a purpose and reason to write as much as I have.

I am grateful for those who have requested to receive one of my “Grades of Honor” books, which is a series of books written about my incarceration. Each book covers a part of my incarceration, and I hope to complete the entire series, which could easily be like 12 books…we’ll see.

You can also email me about questions about prison issues or just make a comment. I’ll do my best to try to answer them.

Anyway, I said all was well, but I guess I kinda feel down. Today while I was at Wal-Mart, I ran across a high school friend of mine that I had not seen in a long time. We talked for a few minutes and I asked him if he had ever been to our high school reunion. As best I can remember, my class never had one. He agreed.

But he said there is going to be a big class reunion for the classes of 1982 to 1997, and includes 3 different high schools in town. This big reunion is supposed to take place on Memorial Day Weekend. Lots and lots of people are expected to be there.

He gave me info to check it out online, and there I saw a lot of guest sign ins from over 200 people, some of them I remember from high school, some were old friends when I was a kid…I really wanted to go…so many people are gonna be there…

But I can’t.

I talked like I was going to try to make it, but deep inside I knew I wasn’t going. A guy like me, an ex felon, going to a class reunion…there’s no way.

It really got me down when I thought about it. When I was in high school, I was one of the best students. I could have played sports but we just could not afford for my mom to take me back and forth for the practices. I was quite athletic. I won awards for drama class, made great grades, went to National Close Up in Washington DC to learn about our government, and a similar camp to learn about state government at Wake Forest University.

I graduated near the top of my class, and went on to college and studied Radio and Television, and minored in Journalism. I won more acting awards, worked for the campus radio station, wrote for the campus newspaper, did numerous other things and graduated near the top of my class.

I worked for 2 different radio stations after graduation, worked as a GED instructor for a technical college, acted in several plays, started a mail order fragrance business and many other things. All that and more…

But I also went to prison…and that’s what people will remember.

I realize that is vanity, that maybe people won’t care about that, but human nature is also quite vicious. I wanted so much to be able to go to my high school reunion and see old friends, people I had not seen in like 10 years…but I don’t think I would be able to enjoy myself with the thought of an “ex felon” in their midst”.

If I had time to had done something successful after my release, then maybe I could feel better going, but I have not really accomplished what I wanted to do. I think it’s everybody’s dream, to go out and “make it big” and return to your class reunion as someone successful. I can see it now:

Look at her, she’s a lawyer now.

Look at him, he is in the military in Germany.

Look at her, she owns a small business.

Look at him, he has a great paying job and management.

….look at him, he went to prison.

Even if I could go, I just don’t think I have enough confidence to be able to endure that. I wanted so much to see my friends after all these years, but I am just too embarrassed to go. That sucks.

I don’t think I’m any different from anyone else, wishing I was someone better than who I am, but you just hate to feel like the least valuable person at a class reunion. The funny thing is, since I got out in 2001 I have probably done more than people can imagine in the media. I was a talk show host for a local cable station, I was a radio announcer for a Christian radio station, I did interviews for two different local cable stations and became the executive producer of a second Christian radio station and produced local high school sports.

But people will only remember that I am an ex felon. That’s not what I want to be remembered for, so I will have to avoid the reunion. As much as I want to go, I can’t. And it’s probably just as well, the prices for tickets and stuff is going to cost a pretty penny anyway, and I can’t afford it, so that gives me the perfect excuse.

It had me thinking of my value to those around me, and it’s hard sometimes to try to hold your head up when you are an ex felon. Sure, I did my time, I paid my debt to society and all that jazz, but I will never be released from my past. It kinda bothers me that if I went to this reunion, all it’s gonna take is one person whispering to another, “hey, you know he did time in prison”, and I’m gonna feel like the worst person there.

I’d rather just avoid that and stay home.

Well, maybe I’ll get lucky and run into somebody at the mall or somewhere, and maybe can talk to them and catch up on old times…high school was fun, but I think my college years was the best. Still, to catch up on times with people you knew as teenagers is always nice to do. I just won’t feel very comfortable at that reunion.

I wish it was a masquerade ball or something where you could wear a mask, then I could pretend to be someone else. Oh well, life goes on, whether you want it to or not, so it will one big event I am just too ashamed to attend. Looks like I’ll be home playing video games and blogging…

Hope you don’t mind me doing that.

Anyway, email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com to ask about my writings and make a comment if you can.

#120 Prison 101 Showers (retro)

Prison 101: Showers

I know I wrote something on this awhile back, but I cannot remember exactly when. But since I have a copy of almost every blog and post I every wrote, I know it is here somewhere.

Have you ever wondered how inmates take showers? Everybody has heard of the phrase “don’t drop the soap” and stuff like that, and we all know that there are real dangers in prison about rape and abuse. How much do you know about prison showers?

Let’s see if we can talk about that.

Before I continue, I wanted to encourage you guys to email me about my blogs. If you find that my writing is of a help to you, let me know. I also have a few prison books available, and I have my first of what may be several prison blog books. I also have prison cards, prison encouragement certificates and more. Just give me an email at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com and ask me about it, or you can jump back a few blogs to read my details on each of those books.

Also, if you have read a lot of my writings and would like to support it, I am always grateful for any gifts you wish to send. They do help in a number of ways, and allow me to focus more on writing here and my books.

Speaking of writing “here” I do have 7 sites currently online that features my blogs, and obviously if you are reading this, you are reading off one of them. Each of the seven has the same blog, so you’re not missing anything on Wordpress if you are reading this off Blogspot. I try to check each one regularly for comments because people do have questions about prison. I got a friend request today from WriteAPrisoner from the myspace page, and to be honest, I was kinda pissed off at it.

This is the same prison pal site that banned me for talking about my books when I joined them awhile back. Some of you might remember that blog. I had joined WriteAPrisoner many months ago and started sharing some of my posts. I try to sign in one day and see this message that I had been banned for a week, their excuse was that I was trying to promote my business.

Now, that is just plain stupid.

If I went in on that site making a sell of my books, then I cannot complain about being banned. I know that you can’t jump in there and say something like that. In fact, let me give you two examples of promoting:

“Hi, my name is Nolaw97 and I wanted to tell you guys about this great book I wrote called “Grades of Honor”. It’s about my time in prison, and I wanted to invite you to email me for a copy. It’s only $25 and I think it will help you understand about prison”

OR

“Hi my name is Nolaw97 and I just joined this site today. I have written for numerous of other sites about prison issues and wanted to talk about how an inmate might feel in his first day in prison. As a guy that went through that, I can understand how they might feel. I covered a lot of my feelings and beliefs in my book, “Grades of Honor” and I wanted to see if we can discuss that a bit here.”

Do you see the difference? Evidently WriteAPrisoner didn’t.

If I was making the “hard sell” for my books, that would be a legit reason to ban me. But if I only mentioned my books, or used it for a point of information or index, that is not promotion. I was banned from WriteAPrisoner for a week because I MENTIONED my book. Needless to say, I took great offense to it, so after that week was up, or actually the day I got the notice, I left the group.

And let me get this off my chest, what’s up with these prison pen pal sites that are so stuck up? First LostVault, now WriteAPrisoner. Is every prison pen pal site filled with self righteous people that can’t tell the difference between help and promotion?

It kinda pisses me off when sites like this talk about helping inmates, but when one comes into the midst they can’t ban them fast enough. Why is it that these sites TALK about prison support, but when an inmate wants to write a book so he can get on his feet, they trip him down? LostVault banned me because they assumed I was trying to just sell books, and the owner was foolish enough to read ONE post and figured I was trying to hustle her members. WriteAPrisoner assumed that just because I mentioned my book, I was trying to hustle them. Yet BOTH of these sites will kiss the ass of a prison book written by somebody who NEVER ever made a post on any prison support site, and claim that book to be as much the gospel as the Bible.

(you can tell I am upset now….)

So I refused to go back to WriteAPrisoner, yet every couple of weeks I would get some cheap email from them saying something like, “we noticed you have not come back in awhile, can we entice you to come back”

Answer: Hell no.

Now today I get a friend’s request on my space from WriteAPrisoner… they want to add me to their friend’s list…

Answer: HELL no.

Ok, now that I have bore my fangs (and I feel better now) let’s talk about prison showers (see you get more than just a couple of sentences when you read my blogs).

Let’s see if we can open it up to questions.

“Do all the inmates have to take a shower together?”

Uh…no. You’ve been watching too many movies. I am not going to say that NO prison is like that, but I am saying that by far most prisons are not like that. People think that when it’s time for a shower, the guards herd all the inmates in a big shower room and they have like 15 minutes to get clean.

Not quite that way folks.

There are a few different formats for showers in prison. There are communal showers, single showers and cell showers.

“What’s the difference?”

Well, a cell shower is in fact a single shower in an inmate’s cell. I am partly familiar with that because when I spent 17 months in jail, I was in a cell that had it’s own shower. Outside of that, many prisons have single showers, which simply is a shower for one person…and one person only. Then of course there are the communal showers which most prisons have. A larger area with several shower nozzles and a wider space for several guys. Most camps I have been on have that.

“Don’t you get kinda…weird being around other guys?”

Absolutely! Hey, it was the reason I had a hard time adjusting to prison when I first went in. Those of you who read my first “Grades of Honor” at Craven can understand what I am talking about…

(note, the above statement would have gotten me banned from WriteAPrisoner and LostVault because I mentioned my book….go figure)

I mean, I was not used to being…nude…in the presence of other guys. When I first went to prison at Craven, they had communal showers, and that shocked me. I was NOT going to take shower around a bunch of strange guys…no way!

“So how did you do it?”

Well, as written in my book, I had to sacrifice, and I admit there was a lot of foolish pride. I gave up dinner to take a shower, since there were almost no inmates in the dorm during that time. It cost me an empty stomach, but I got a much needed shower.

“How often are inmates allowed to shower?”

Well, really that depends on the inmate. I mean, some guys shower twice a day, some twice a week. There is no rule (that I know of) that says you have to take a shower every single day. However there are a couple of exceptions. One is that if you NEVER take a shower, that can get you a writeup. Each inmate is expected to keep himself in decent shape hygiene-wise. You can’t have guys in a dorm that haven’t taken a shower in a few weeks, that is unhealthy.

Also, more guys are apt to shower if they are involved in any physical activity. Guys who work on the road squad are obviously going to want to shower more than the inmate who just sits in the dayroom all day.

“I heard that those prison showers are filthy…how can you take a shower in that?”

Well, a prison shower CAN be filthy…but I don’t think it’s any worse than the average home. How can I say that? Because I used to clean the showers when I was in prison.

I have cleaned showers at Craven Correctional, and Pasquotank Correctional. These are communal showers, meaning many guys will end up using it. Imagine 20-30 guys showering up in that place, and what is left behind….

(yeah, I know, I hope you’re not eating while reading this…)

Anyway, somebody had to clean it up, and every camp has inmates who is responsible for doing that.

“So what do you do, get a water hose and rinse it out, and mop the floors?”

No, it goes much further than that. See, the assumption some could have is that the showers in prison are not important to anybody. Certainly not to officers since they don’t use them, certainly not to most readers because they are fighting the stereotypes of prison anyway. But those showers are important to every inmate that sets his foot in that shower area. It HAS to be clean for them.

You would not step in your shower if it was filthy, no different in prison. When I cleaned the showers, I took the idea that I wanted it as clean as if I was going to use it immediately afterwards. We had use of cleaning agents to kill bacteria and get the soap scum out. We had tile and grout cleaner, abrasive powders and other stuff to clean the floors, walls, shower mats and everything else.

Now, after a couple of dozen guys have use it, it won’t look so clean, but hey, that is to be expected. Most guys took that job seriously, because after all, they had to use that same shower.

“How many guys actually shower at the same time?”

That depends on several things. One is how large the shower stall is. A second could be the time of day. For example, a communal shower at a camp might have 6 shower heads, meaning theoretically 6 guys could take a shower at one time. But this rarely happens. Why?

There is on many camps an unwritten rule about spacing. Most times when you take a shower, you try to give the other guy space by showering 2 shower heads away. What do I mean by that? For example, if somebody is using shower head #1 and I come to shower, I am going to use shower #6. I want to use the one furthest away from him, to give him space.

Now, what if there is a guy on #1 and #6? Then I will use the one in the middle, #3. Again, this is about respecting a person’s space. It would look mighty weird if I see a guy in shower head #1 and shower head #6, and then I go to shower head #2.…

(think about that…..)

So what do you do if there are guys on shower heads #1, #3 and #6? You wait until one of them is available.

“Why don’t you use the other ones?”

Because that would be a violation of space. If I am taking a shower, I would feel “invaded” if a guy came and started taking a shower too close to me… and many guys feel the same way. Since most showers last about 15 minutes anyway, I can wait until someone is done.

But there ARE exceptions.

Sometimes when the shower time is nearing an end, many guys try to get that last shower, or sometimes when road squad comes in, they want to get a shower before dinner. Sometimes many guys will need to shower as soon as possible. If so, the unwritten rule is waived because everybody knows that they are all just trying to get a good shower before dinner, or before the showers close.

Sometimes if it isn’t based on time, a guy might come in, needing to take a shower but not seeing one that gives you space. If he has to have one, by rule he can take the one right next to you, but if he HAS to, sometimes a guy might acknowledge you by letting you know that he doesn’t mean to take your space.

He doesn’t have to apologize, just simply acknowledge that you were there first and that he really needed to take the shower now. No harm, no foul.

But you see, a lot of this can be avoided if the inmate is aware of the shower times, and takes advantage of the best times to shower. For me, I always looked for the times where the fewest guys would need to take one. Often times that was early on a weekend morning, around 9am or so. On weekdays, I usually waited until after chow, where often times guys would be on the yard, or maybe a little later at night, when many guys are occupied by watching tv or playing cards in the day room. You just have to get a feel for it.

“Have you ever been…advanced on, in the shower?”

That’s a hard question, because sometimes you can be watched by another guy and never know it. If you are asking if some guy every came to me while I was in the shower, I would INITIALLY say no…but then I remember a situation while I was at Sanford Correctional. I had just finished taking a shower, and a couple of guys that worked in the kitchen with me had been “teasing” me and making advances…whether they were sincere in that I don’t know, but I had a feeling that one of them might have been.

Anyway, I had finished taking a shower and one of them came in the bathroom (the shower area was at the back of the bathroom) and was making jokes about me just getting out the shower…you know, the kinda jokes about “oooh, you just got out the shower” and all those jokes.

Uncomfortable to hear, yes, but the only thing I could do was just finish drying up and get some clothes on. I cannot completely avoid some guy wanting to make an advance on me, but I can minimize it by being aware of the best times to take a shower. You just have to keep an eye on the best times to take a shower with the most privacy.

“But doesn’t that increase the chance of being raped, when there are fewer inmates in the shower?’

Technically yeah it could, but there are other factors that argue against that. Now again, remember that I cannot speak for every shower in every prison, because obviously I have not been in them all, but on a general level, there are some things that offset that.

One, every shower is, or can be, monitored. Most prisons build showers so that any officer can look in that direction and see the shower. Don’t get confused here, that does not mean that the shower is out in the open like a fire hydrant. There is levels of privacy but it is also made so that there is no “hidden view”.

Although there are a few exceptions…but I won’t get into that.

The greater chance of being raped in prison does indeed lie in the abuse of privacy. A guy wanting to take a shower alone might unfortunately have a stalker watching him and might take that opportunity to take advantage of him. Sadly, it can happen.

Sometimes the better way is to use a “buddy system”. Sounds corny, but IF there is a possibility of an inmate being advanced on, sometimes timing your shower about the same time as a few others is ok…as long as you still respect the space.

I realize this might just be the tip of the iceberg, but it may be a start for some of you that wondered about showers in prison. I could have talked much more on other subjects with showers, but I think I better give it a rest. These subjects will be discussed more in my books, as I describe what prison was like for me.

(note: the above statement would have resulted in me being banned from sites like LostVault and WriteAPrisoner….go figure)

Anyway, I gotta go, I am sending out my next batch of books at the end of next week, so if you have not made an order, you might want to do so soon, or maybe wait for my next mailings. Email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com.

#119 Prison communication pt 3 (retro)

Prison 101: Communication Pt 3

I think we have discussed just a part of a ton of stuff regarding just two elements of communications with loved ones in prison. There is much, much more that can be said about this, so I want to continue on this today.

As I write this, I just finished watching some of the Olympics and the Bengals vs. Packers game, and I am so ready for football season. Because this IS a blog, I get to kinda vent out on something that bothers me.

I love football just as much as anybody out there, and I have my favorites, but I can respect the GAME of football, regardless of the team. However, I think what the management of the Green Bay Packers did to Brett Farve was just short of satanic.

WOW, strong words…

This is NOT a shot at any Packer fan, not at all, this is a shot at management, and why egos and control are so damned problematic in any business. Brett Farve took Green Bay to TWO Superbowls, winning one. He has countless records in passing and is clearly the face of Packer Nation.

But when he tries to come back to football, the new General Manager decides that he does not want Farve, and tries to pay him off (call it a bribe) of 25 million to NEVER play. He is willing to pay Farve to never set foot on a field again…what gives him that right to close anybody else’s career.

When Brett decided that he wanted to play (completely in his rights) the team then works a deal with the Jets (nothing against the Jets either). But get this, the trade that the Packers made virtually GUARANTEES that Brett Farve NEVER gets anywhere near their football field. The Jets won’t play the Packers for about 10 years, barring ONLY a Superbowl. Brett wanted to go to Minnesota, and there were talks with Tampa Bay, but the Packers were not willing to give Brett any consideration. After all he gave to that team, this is how they treat him…like a criminal.

This is the imperfect world we live in, where a General Manager of a NFL team can screw a Hall of Famer so terribly, then have the audacity to sit in front of a microphone and a few cameras and act like they care about him…so cowardly. What the management did to Brett Farve was clearly more than the interests of the Packers, it was also with the intent to punish Farve for wanting to play again.

I appreciate what Farve did for the NFL, and I know the fans of Green Bay have to move on, and I also know that Aaron Rogers (?) deserves a chance, so I have no argument against any of them. But the management of that team did a horrible, evil screwing of one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, and they KNEW what they were doing. I hope when Brett goes to the Hall of Fame, I hope he wears a Jets jersey.

But life must move on.

(and in that editorial folks, is a lesson that is prison based…I may share that with you another day….)

Now, let’s talk about prison communications. In the first couple of discussions I was breaking down the three basic forms of communications dealing with inmates in prison. I mentioned about letters and cards as the most obvious and cheapest. I talked also about phone calls, with the pros and cons. Now I want to talk about the third form of communication. Visitations.

I think if you asked any inmate what they would rather have ONE of, this would be the great majority. If I was still in prison and was asked if I would like to receive 5 letters, 3 phone calls or one visit, I think most inmates might take that visit. Easily this would be the case if an inmate was offered a choice of one letter, one call or one visit. I think visitations substitute for a multitude of the other forms of communication.

Why?

Because if phone calls give you the value of HEARING a loved one, then visits give you the value of SEEING them…and in some cases even TOUCHING them. There is so much value in a human being touching another in compassion. Whether a hug from your mom, or a kiss from your wife or girlfriend, the inmate gets so much out of these simple forms of affection.

Visitation means so much more than just driving down to the prison, meeting your loved one and talking for an hour or so. If you have seen it this way, you are missing out on a very powerful way to encourage your loved one.

There are so many positives with visits. A father in prison can see his baby son or daughter for maybe the first time. A son can talk to his mother and reassure her that he is ok. A person can talk with someone about certain things he or she need them to do for them. People can catch up on things and not have to worry about the 10 minute limit on the phone.

Visitations are also a huge morale booster. Most times when an inmate steps into the visitation area and sees a familiar face, it can be the best moment in months for a person in a pit of depression and guilt. Those 60 minutes (or longer, depending on the prison) are an escape from the problems that inmate has during the day. It won’t wash away all his worries, but for just a few moments, he can forget about it and concentrate on someone who cared enough to come see him.

There is no doubt that there are some very strong positives with visitation. But just like phone calls, it is a privilege. Don’t assume that every inmate must be guaranteed a visit…that’s not the way it works. For that reason, the privilege of visitation is also a form of control. If an inmate acts up, he can lose that privilege to a visit for a time. Don’t sit there and get upset and twist words on a prison support site saying that “my man is supposed to be able to get visits”. That’s not quite how that works.

You just cannot underestimate the power of this form of communication, which to me is the strongest form of communication in prison. You just can’t beat a face-to-face talk with someone who cares about you, especially when it is a break from the day-to-day life of prison.

I mentioned some of the positives of visitation, but there are also some drawbacks as well. One of the most obvious is cost. Remember, to send a letter might cost you less than a dollar (stamp, envelope, paper). To receive a collect call would cost you several dollars. But a visit can cost much more.

Even if your loved one lived 20 miles away, we’re still talking about gas there and back. But for most people, their loved ones are in a prison at LEAST 10 times that distance. The expense of driving hundreds of miles, and the time you put in it can cost a lot of money. And for some of you, it may also include getting a room at a hotel overnight. And we’re not adding in the extra stuff like buying a meal or two. You could easily spend $50-$100 on a single visit.

Now, I am not saying this is a bad thing, I am saying this is a downside. The difference between the two is that some downsides are worth it. Most of you are more than willing to accept the downside to be able to see your loved one. Some of you spent much more on such a visit.

Another “downside” if you will, is that you are very limited in your visits. For most prisons, visitation is on weekends. You get one visit per week, for about an hour or so. Some prisons might do it differently, but most have one visit per week.

And there is another drawback of the visit. Just as the upside is the high that the inmate gets for seeing you, the downside is the “crash” that happens when the visit is over. This is the part you don’t see, one I have experienced as well as many others.

I wrote a blog on this awhile back and talked a lot on how the inmate might feel after the visit is over, (good luck on finding that blog). In my time in prison, I had I think 3 visits. Not a whole lot, but for each one I had, there was a very depressing feeling after the visit is over. As I said, most of you may never have an idea of what this is like. An inmate goes from having a very good time with someone he loves to having to immediately adjust back to prison life. There’s no “time out” or anything like that to get the inmate readjusted back into prison life. There is no one you can talk to about how down you may feel after the visit.

Some guys I knew would take a nap as soon as they get back, because there is such a depressing feeling. It’s amazing that just one hour of bliss can turn into a few hours of depression. So why do we feel that way after the visit?

I think the reason some inmates “crash” is because there is such a sudden shift of lifestyles, and for many, that is too hard to adjust to. An inmate goes from the excitement of seeing a familiar face, meeting them, talking to them and getting immersed in all the things that are going on out there, longing for the free life they no longer have. But in that short time, they start to melt away a lot of that “prison life” and start absorbing the free life you share with them.

Then, when it’s all over (the visit), the inmate is shocked back into prison life. This is certainly proved true by the strip search that you get after the visit is over. I remember quite well going through that, and to me, it almost was not worth the visit. I realize that was after the fact, but honestly speaking, I almost didn’t think it was worth a visit to go through that strip search.

The end of a visit is almost like watching a really good movie, something you are really into and enjoying, and then somebody turns the television off and tells you to go to bed. Actually the comparison does not do it justice, because as an inmate we are often used to having the televisions in the dayrooms turned off when it is time for count time.

But regardless of the drawbacks, there is no doubt that this form of positive communication is very important to inmates. This form of communication comes with physical touch, which greatly enhances the power and encouragement you can give to one that is in prison.

I mentioned earlier that most people think that a visitation is just about going to see somebody in prison. I cannot say how much more a visit should mean to both sides of the prison wall, and in future discussions I want to talk more about that.

Well, I am kinda being distracted by watching the Olympics, so I better cut it short here so I can watch some more. I open up this discussion to anyone who has questions on the area of communications. There is much more I am going to talk about on this, so email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com to ask me a question about it.


Don’t forget that I also have prison books, prison cards and prison encouragement certificates available. Email me to ask about prices. Well, time to go watch more Olympics…I COMPLETELY forgot about the USA Basketball game today while watching the games on another NBC channel…now I gotta find out what happened.

Gotta fly……..

#118 Prison Communication pt 2 (retro)

Prison 101:Communication pt2

Kinda hard to write this while keeping an eye on the Olympics. I got one of those portable televisions near the computer to listen to the games while I type…

(USA beats China in Water Polo…GO WORLD!)

In February of 2009, that tv set will be useless, which really bugs me. How many of you have one of those “emergency” sets, with radio and lights and stuff? I call them “hurricane televisions” because if your power goes out, you can use batteries to keep it going.

This is a problem I have with this government change…to me it does not make sense. Our country moving to digital is going to leave people behind just for foolish pride. When all television sets are forced to go digital in February 2009, anyone that does not have cable or satellite will have virtually useless televisions unless they get a special box to convert the signals to digital.

Now, I was under the impression that the government was going to GIVE FREE converter boxes…not so. I went to Best Buys and asked a guy about that, and he said you can get a coupon for $40 off. The problem I have with this is that the poor that can barely afford a living now have to pay for simple comforts that WAS free. I don’t care if the converter box is $45 and the coupon is $40 off…what makes you think a poor person can afford to spend $5? Oh, it’s no problem to people making $40,000 a year…but did anybody think about the poor in our country while trying to impress the world by saying “hey, the US is all digital”?

What this also does is makes these “hurricane televisions” useless. What are you going to do when a natural disaster strikes and you lose power? How are you going to keep in touch with the rest of the world? You’d have to use the radio because the television won’t work. To me this just looks like a foolish move based on pride and some corporate idea to make more money.

(but that’s my editorial for today).

OK, let’s get back into this discussion about communications in prison. Before I forget, email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com to ask about my books and other products.

We’re discussing the importance of communications for those in prison. To the novice on this issue, we may be just talking about how you need to stay in touch with a loved one in prison, but the more you peel the layers back, there is much more involved. If you are going to be helpful to your loved one, or if you are going to be in a position to understand more about prison, maybe some of what I share will be helpful.

In the first part we talked a lot about the importance of letters and cards, the simplest form of communication. Now we want to discuss a second form of communication, that being phonecalls.

There may be a lot said for a letter or card, but how valuable is it to hear the voice of someone you care about? A dozen cards or letters may not compare to hearing your mom, or your girlfriend or your wife on the other end of that phone while you are incarcerated. And the same goes for you on the other side of that wall. How important would it be for you to get a phone call from your loved on in prison?

Letters are fine, but few things can compare to being able to talk to someone. This is a very critical form of communications in prison. But let me try to share with you the characteristics of these prison phonecalls.

From the prison side…they like to call it a “privilege”. This means, in the prison’s eyes, that it is not a right for an inmate to be able to call. This is something a lot of you need to understand off the bat. I made a blog awhile back about somebody whining about how the prisons won’t let her son call and some stuff like that. She was whining about how inmates are supposed to be able to use the phone.

Uh…not necessarily.

Even as an ex felon, I have to say that technically, inmates DON’T have the right to make phonecalls. Now, inmates DO have the right to communication, because it is a very critical part of rehabilitation and let’s not fool ourselves either, it is also a powerful tool of control against inmates.

But phonecalls are NOT guaranteed. I know in jails you are allowed a phone call, but we’re talking about prison. Some prisons allow ONE phonecall a year, and if you call a busy number, that’s it!

I don’t like it, but it is a privilege for inmates to call, meaning that it also has to be earned or that privilege can be taken away from an inmate. So from my standpoint, that being an ex felon, it was important that I first stay out of trouble so I can use the phone. But it’s a lot more complex than that.

See, lots of folks think that inmates can just walk to a phone and use it…not always. And before I forget, I know there are lots of prisons that use that phone card thing…but I never had that kinda privilege and many states don’t do it. But if you can find it, I do have a blog about prisons and phone card scams….check that out if you can find it.

Anyway, from the prison side, the rules on phone use will certainly vary from prison to prison, even in the same state or even same custody level. On some of the medium custody prisons I was in, we had to sign up for phone use twice a week. In minimum custody prisons, you could use the phone pretty much after 10am to about 11pm, with some exceptions. I usually called home on weekends, but sometimes I needed to just call home, nothing major, but sometimes you get in a rut and just need to find a break from the prison life, so I might call home every once and awhile.

“Why? Please explain”

Well, it’s kinda hard to explain but I guess I can try since it might make sense to some of you. Sometimes you don’t have to be in a negative mood to NEED to call home from prison, sometimes you just feel… well, just bland. Some days in prison might be too dull, too boring or too bland. You hate to get into a stagnant state of mind, but in prison sometimes there are times where there is nothing going on. Nothing bad, but nothing good either, and you don’t want to slip into the negative. So you need to do something to keep you from slipping.

You need positive communication.

So there were times I called home, not realizing that this is what I was looking for. I mean, the life of my loved ones outside of prison was CLEARLY better than my life IN prison, so if I could just tap into some of that, even if for the 10 minute segment of the phonecall, then I might just be able to capture a little bit of that positive energy to hold me over for awhile.

I mean, think about it…how many times have you received a phonecall from your loved one, and he does not have a lot to talk about. He just called to see what you are up to and how you are doing. See, lots of you think he’s always calling because something is wrong…that is not always true.

Sometimes just to hear a comfortable voice, and for many guys in prison, to hear a FEMALE voice, is in itself encouraging. After hearing dudes all day long, all week long, it does matter that he hears from you. (I say this knowing that perhaps 99% of my readers are women).

It’s also a private time in a public place, so there is mixed emotions going on. You see, if I send or receive a letter, it is done in private. In prison, nobody is over my shoulder reading my letters with me unless I let them read it (excluding some mail officers that may read it too before you get it). But with phone calls, there is a strange balance going on.

Every phone I have seen in the prisons I was in was not in a private place. If the phone rings right now as I type this, I can pick it up and walk to my room to talk in private. But in prison, most phones are built into the wall, in the day room of most prisons. Again, this can be different for one prison to another, but I am talking from my experience.

What this creates is an area where you need to talk to someone you love, in privacy and intimacy, but you also may have to keep your voice low because you don’t want the guys to hear what you are saying. Sometimes the phones can be right beside one another, so two or 3 guys might be on the phone at the same time, only a foot or so away. Under those conditions, I’d be too embarrassed to be saying “lovey dovey” things to my girlfriend or wife with some 250 pound brute on the phone next to me.

Lots of wives and girlfriends don’t get that because they don’t fully understand the egos that are involved in prison, and the need for an inmate to stay strong. Yes, you can argue against the idea that a man does can still be strong while saying he loves his wife or girlfriend, and you’d be right. But the mentality in prison can betray an inmate if he does that.

“How?”

Well, think about it. For a man to say “I love you” and MEAN it, he has to speak not just from his mouth, but from his heart. What you are asking a man in prison to do is to open his heart for you. I am not arguing that you don’t deserve it, because you do deserve it, but listen to what I am saying.

Once the heart is opened wide enough for a man in prison to say “I love you”, it is also open wide enough for all the other emotions inside. Not only does this include love for you… but also the shame and guilt for being in prison and so far away from you.

In an inmate’s mind, the moment he “lets down his guard” that is when the emotions will try to take over. You can’t say “I love you” without also knowing that if you had not screwed up, you would not be in prison to begin with. You can’t say that without starting to feel a flow of depressing thoughts.

And the longer your heart is open to say these things, the greater the chance of those other emotions have of flooding out. Those feelings of regret and sadness will start to pour out the longer that inmate keeps that heart open.

It costs so much for an inmate to say “I love you”.

Now, some are much better at it than others, but even the best of them have to keep it in check. For that reason, most guys on the phone will try to “man up” and talk in a way that does not sacrifice their manhood. In prison, this is very critical.

But there are some key elements that apply to YOU as well, the person receiving those phonecalls. I used to get phonecalls from a friend in county jail, and most times he called not about anything important, but also because he needed a friend to talk to. But one key element on prison phone calls is the practicality of COST.

In most cases, inmates never really think too much about how much a phone call costs. I mean, since they don’t have to pay, it does not register too much to them. I say that in a kind way, because believe it or not, this is a sincere thought by inmates. Often times when I call home, I knew that the phone bill would be going up because of me… but I had to make that call…I needed a positive boost in communicating with my mom or my brothers. It’s almost like survival mode.

But on your end, you must be mindful of that. One phonecall a month is likely affordable for most folks, but some of you get calls every day…WOW! I can see why phone companies love inmates. I cannot imagine what YOUR phone bill looks like at the end of the month.

Is it necessary…I am sure it is. For some of you, it is worth it to hear from someone you really care about. Some of you might be cool with getting a phone call on weekends from your loved one. Others might be cool with getting a call every day…hey, as long as you can afford it, that is cool.

But what if you can’t?

I think a lot of readers are along that line. Collect phone calls from prison can be expensive, and lots of times we rationalize that the high cost of the phone bill is worth it to allow our loved ones to call us when they need to.

But define “need”.

“Need” is defined as: “circumstances in which a thing or course of action is required” An inmate will likely NEED to call if he is about to be transferred. He may NEED to call if he needs something from you, like the lawyer’s address. But does he NEED to call just because he is bored?

See, I am now countering my own ideas….

To the inmate’s mind, it is a need to call you when he feels too bland or bored because he needs that positive communication. But on your end, you need to understand that these calls are not free, and the continuance of them actually adds a financial stress to your life.

This is not for everyone, because some of you can afford to deal with the costs, or you don’t get that many calls to create a larger expense. But if some of you are having this situation, it also brings in another problem.

How do you limit the calls without having him think you don’t love him anymore?

I mean, if he called 10 times a week, and you want to cut it down to 5, is it possible that he might think that you don’t love him anymore? Maybe. But if this is your fear, you have to address it head on.

Sit down and figure out how much his phone calls are per month. I am sure you can check it out on the bill. Get an idea of how much you’d like him to call, outside of emergencies or stuff like that. If he calls every day, that is 28-31 times a month. In just a couple of months, that’s like 50-60 times. Do the math on the cost per call, and per MINUTE.

If that number is a burden, then you NEED to cut that down. Listen, you may have a loved one in prison, but it is not worth going into poverty to allow him to call every time he wants to….or every time YOU want him to call.

It’s stressful enough dealing with a loved one in prison, don’t add to it with a large phone bill that has you sacrificing the cable or a special night out at Ruby Tuesdays for yourself….(well, if you bundle then you’re likely gonna lose cable AND phone anyway…and internet…be careful about those eggs in that basket).

There has to be a balance that allows you to stay positive so that you can in turn impart that to your loved one when he calls. I mean, he calls because he needs to hear something positive, how much help are you going to give him if you talk about how your bills are piling up, knowing that part of the problem is these expensive phone calls?

I realize you cannot put a price on someone you love, but you also cannot help him if you are slipping under in debts. You have to work with him on a reasonable number of times he can call per month. For some of you it might be temporary. Maybe some of you fell behind on a lot of bills and need some help. If you can get him to limit his calls to maybe once a week, or even once every 2 weeks, it might help you catch up in a month or two, or maybe three if that is what it takes. But once you catch up, you can increase that number to once a week or even twice a week.

For others it might be more permanent. Maybe once a week is the best you can do until you find another situation to help your finances. Remember that this is very key because if you are having trouble with money, it will eventually be the focus of your thoughts even when your loved one calls. And that defeats the purpose of positive communications.

See, this subject is a lot more complex than you thought. If we are going to find some venues to be a help to someone in prison, we have to understand that there are more sides to this than just the simple fact that he is in prison. It goes much further than that. We’ll continue this discussion next time.

Oh well, I better stop for now, I might have said too much anyway. I urge you guys to get in touch with me, I really do what to help you out if I can by talking about prison issues. Or, if you want to email me to ask something or ask me to blog about something, my email is derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com. I write it that way because lots of programs are on the internet to crawl the sites looking for addresses to gather and start spamming. I have noticed that if I just spelled it out, I end up getting a lot of spam, but if I write it in broken form, it really cuts down on it a lot.

Also, you can email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com if you want to ask me about my prison books, prison cards and prison encouragement certificates. I have many things I can prepare for you to help a loved one in prison. I have three “Grades of Honor” books, a Prison Blog Book and many cards and certificates.

In addition, if you have been reading my stuff for awhile and want to support my works, I am always open to accepting a gift. You don’t have to buy me a Ferrari, but anything helps. As I said before, I am not a charity, I’m just a guy trying to do something good, and maybe in doing that I can start a business in doing this same thing…writing for those with loved ones in prison.

Oh well, gotta fly.

#117 Prison Communication pt 1 (retro)

Prison 101:Communication

I wanted to spend some time talking about the importance of communication for those with a loved one in prison. I’ll get to that in a sec.

Today after like 6 weeks of babysitting, my nephew finally went home…and I miss him.

So I got my free time back to write, but I miss the tons of hours of video games, taking him to the pool, the begging for snacks and cartoons. It was busy at times, but kinda fun. Kinda sad to see him go, but they start school soon so he needed to get back home anyway.

Anyway, email me at derf4000 (AT) embarqmail (DOT) com to ask me about my “Grades of Honor” books, my prison cards and other products, or visit my gallery at Zazzle.

I want to discuss how important communication is in prison, regardless of which side of the prison wall you are on. But since most folks are loved ones of inmates, I will try to focus it towards you.

The idea for this came from a story I heard while watching the Summer Olympics in China. They were talking about how China has a huge part in saving the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles. For those of you that might remember (because I barely do), the Soviet Union had decided to boycott the Olympics, since USA had done so in the 1980 Olympics. The problem with this was that USSR had also promised that as many as 100 countries were going to boycott too.

If this happened, this would have crippled the legacy of the Olympics. Imagine having a world wide event with only about 100 countries or so….kinda like those Good Will Games that Ted Turner had a hand in….

Anyway, the man in charge of the Olympics had to do something or it would be a very embarrassing event and equally embarrassing to the US. So he sent people out to as many of those countries as he could, to act as ambassadors to try to convince those countries to come to the Olympics. One of the key targets was China.

It was absolutely critical that China come, even though they clearly had sided with USSR, and were not coming to begin with. The Olympic committee sent a man to talk to the China government and persuade them to come to the LA Olympics, which was a near impossible feat. You really have to understand how times were back in the early 80’s and how opposite US and USSR were.

Things looked pretty bad, and our country would have been very embarrassed to host a world-wide event, but half the world not showing for. Even the legacy of the Olympics as we knew it was on the line here, with the possibility of being reduced to a simple collection of events, rather than the largest sporting event in the world. There was so much on the line, and the situation did not look promising.

But in the end…it got done. China accepted the invitation to the Olympics and came with a show of numbers…and were warmly greeted by Americans and all fans alike.

How did this happen…communication in the face of negative situations.

Lots of you are thinking this is a large stretch to tie into prison issues, but I disagree. Every facet of life is nothing more than an example of how communication is so important, even with prison issues.

Heck, isn’t that why Brett Farve is with the Jets instead of staying with the Packers? A breakdown of communication (and a hell of a lot of foolish pride).

In prison, communication is extremely critical to help in the rehabilitation of a person that is in prison. But I think is has been underused because we don’t really get a grip of what communications really means. For most people, we just assume that you wait for a call from your loved one, or send him a letter or go visit him. In the simplest of ideas, you are communication with them.

But if you REALLY want to get the most out of it, you have to peel back some layers and really look into what communication is, and how to get the most out of it. I mean, isn’t that what you want with your loved one in prison?

Let’s break this down into some sections. I can probably blog about prison communications in these areas:

1. Types of communication for inmates.

2. Temperature of communication to inmates.

3. Communication by inmates.

4. Communication on prison support sites.

Each one of these parts is essential to understanding what prison communication is about…now before I begin, let me make this perfectly clear…I am NOT saying this is the etched-in-stone-gospel. There may be 100 more things I may forget to cover or that may be more important than this, but since I got your attention to read my blog, this is what I believe and am trying to share.

Use this as a guide, not a gospel.

Let’s start with the basics. When dealing with inmates, there are basically 3 forms of communication. You can get a phonecall from your loved one, you can write/receive letters from your loved one, or you can visit your loved one.

Why is this important? Because prisons believe that it is important for human beings to retain that humanity by keeping in reasonable contact with people that care about them. This is human nature, we have to have contact with people in some manner, whether we are a sinner or saint. I am not saying to always be around folks, but to NEVER be around folks is not a good thing for a human being. Now don’t get me wrong, there are people that must be isolated from others. I mean, in the general sense that is what prison is about…isolating law breakers from those who respect the law.

But in most cases, communication is important because it gives that inmate a chance to remember that they are loved. Rehabilitation works best when there is love, rather than pure punishment. You’re likely to change if you know you are loved, rather than hated. You’re more likely to believe I care about what I communicate with you in my blogs if you believe I do care about you, rather than insulting you about how your loved one ought to be locked away from society forever.

As I said, there are basically 3 forms of communication. The most common is by letter or card. It is by far the cheapest way to communicate with a loved one. I mean, you can type out a letter and print it out, or you can hand-write it on regular paper and mail it for a couple of quarters. You can buy a card and send it for a couple of dollars….

(cheap plug…I DO have prison cards, email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com about that and other stuff…)

Anybody can send a letter or a card. No crazy phone charges or high rates for gas to send a letter. The big plus with this form of communication is that it is easy and by far the cheapest. Another big plus is that it does not require a time. You don’t have to wait for the right time or coordinate times to make it happen, you just do it. You can take your time and write what is in your heart, whether it takes 1 page or 6 pages. Or, you can find the right card to say what you want to say. Even if you are in a rush, it would not take much to buy a nice card, write in a nice sentence or two and mail it.

But what are the drawbacks?

One, most people just don’t like writing. I don’t mean that they don’t like writing at ALL, I am saying to creatively write. Lots of people just can’t express themselves on paper like they can in person. To me I have no problem, as you can probably tell. I can write my butt off, and have thousands of pages of writing to prove it.

But most people are not like that. This is especially true for inmates. When I was in prison, most guys just didn’t like writing. That was one reason I was asked by so many to write a letter for them, or a poem. I mentioned in my first “Grades of Honor” book about how one guy paid me to write letters for him. I was paid by snacks…and was GLAD to get since I was broke.

Another drawback is the fear that your private thoughts are being read by officers. Now, is this true? Are officers in prison actually reading your letters to your loved ones? I think I can answer that…

Yeah…and no.

“Clarify please”

Well, the answer is both. YES, it is possible that your letters or cards CAN be read by the prison officers that work in the mail room. But the chances of them being read is less than you think. Some people think that every letter sent to every prison is being read. That is impossible.

Do you realize how many letters and cards come in to any prison on a given day? Some people think there are like 50 mail clerks working in every prison…not true. Most prisons I have been in might have anywhere from 1-4. Do the math, it is impossible for mail clerks to read every letter that comes through. IMPOSSIBLE.

But some letters ARE read. Some are read because some inmates might be a security risk to the prison…others are read because the mail clerks are too damn nosy. I remember a kitchen officer telling us that she saw and knows that some of the clerks do read some of people’s mail.

With that in mind, it is important that you consider WHAT you say in your communication to your loved one in prison. If you don’t want someone to know your intimacy with your husband or boyfriend, don’t write it down.

Another small drawback to communicating by mail is that there IS a limit. Most prisons do have a number of cards or letters you are allowed to keep. This is something most people don’t know about. Some of the camps I have been on had in their rules that inmates are allowed to keep a certain number of cards or letters. Any more than that has to be sent to an address of the inmate’s choosing or thrown away.

How many of you knew THAT?

So some of you that feel like you have to send him a card or letter every other day need to think about that. Now I grant you, most prisons don’t get picky with that unless it really gets to be a problem, but I am just throwing that out there that they COULD.

But regardless of the drawbacks, this form of communication is highly desired. For many guys, mail call is the best time of the day because it is kinda a reminder of who is loved in prison. Think about it like Christmas if you can. How would you feel if you were expecting something on Christmas day, and when you looked at the Christmas Tree, you didn’t see anything with your name on it? (and don’t try to get all self-righteous about Christmas on me, just go with what I am sharing ok)

For inmates in prison, letters and cards are by far the most common, and are often the small bright lights that can make their day a little better. For some it might be a card or letter from their mom or girlfriend or wife. For some, it might be money to put in the inmate account. For others it could be a number of other things.

I often wrote to many people, most were people who didn’t really know me personally. I wrote to ministries, I wrote to the Inmate Grievance Resolution Board ( a TOTAL waste), I wrote to state officials, prison official, federal officials, prison organizations and even professional sports teams.

You’d be surprised in some of the letters I got…some I wish to share in future books….

But we’re talking about communication by correspondence. It is the simplest form when you have a loved one in prison, because you can’t talk to them as often as you may want, and you certainly can’t visit them as often as you want.

But understand the great value in letters and cards…they LAST. A phonecall can be forgotten in time, even an hour after you finish, visits can fade too, but an inmate can always go back and read that letter you sent, or that card you sent. The same goes for anything sent to you.

In fact, I was in the attic the other day looking around at some of our stuff, and came across a box of my old prison letters to my mom and family, as well as come prison cards that I sent her. I was surprised that she kept those, and I quickly separated them and put them somewhere…I want to take a look at what I wrote during some of my most difficult times of my life…and if I get the guts… (and some support) I may want to share those here.

The written word of communication is like time in a bottle. To guys in prison, these bottles become so important because it helps them to keep track of life…the life they are missing. Those of you with children really need to get a hold of this. The letter you write to him in January about the baby crawling, and the letter you write to him in April of him walking may not mean much to you…but imagine what it could mean to him?

He may not be there, but those letters allow him to at least be a part of that. There is just something about a letter or card that a guy in prison can almost drop his guard and just relax and read something from “that world out there”. It’s also a reminder that he is not forgotten, somebody still cares and took the time to write him, or send a card.

You may not know how much that means to a man or woman in prison. This is indeed a very critical part of the inmate’s rehabilitation, or his chance to find hope in himself. You can tell how a guy feels by whether he got mail or not. Not everybody breaks down when they don’t get mail, but a person expecting mail can get pretty discouraged when too many days go by without mail.

In a corny way, getting mail is like Valentine’s Day at school. When I was in the 3rd grade or so , the teacher would make a paper packet of every student in the class room, and put it on the big board. On the days leading to Valentine’s Day, we would put a Valentine or some candy in the person’s packet that we liked. Then on Valentine’s Day we would empty them out and collect the cards (and candy). Some people got a lot, some got some, some got a little bit…some got none.

As a kid that didn’t bother me so much since I got quite a bit of Valentines, but when you sit down and think about it, it can be a very sad thing to know someone who got nothing…it’s like nobody cared about him or her.

That’s what it can feel like in prison.

Now, I didn’t share that to make you feel guilty to send your loved one 74 letters in a week to make up for that. I am just saying that this is how an inmate could feel. Nevertheless this is just one form of communication with a person in prison. I think I saved everything I got while in prison, and still have those things with me now. The only things I left in prison were some of my faith magazines sent by ministries. I had accumulated so many that I had to leave some behind, so I donated a lot of them to the prison library.

There is much more to say on this, but I hope to cover this later. I didn’t think this subject was going to be this large, and I have barely gotten started…so if you tune in next time, we can continue this discussion about prison communication. Until then, email me at derf4000 (at) embarqmail (dot) com…

Oh, if you comment on some of my blogs…please use more than one sentence. Some spammers have figured out that they can push their crap on blogs by not even reading a person’s blog, and adding something super generic like “nice post”. There are lots of spammers out there that make cheap comments on blogs that are not based on what they read. It’s like a lot of members of prison support sites like Prison Talk that copy and paste the phrase “hi and welcome to PTO” or “I am so sorry to hear about your problem, you will find lots of support here at PTO”, and then paste it to hundreds of posts to rack up cheap numbers.

So if you make a comment, at least share a few words to let me know that you read it. Or, if you wish, email me, I am approachable, I won’t bite.